I had a conversation with one of my best friends the other night.
We chit chatted about normal life stuff, drank some water and coffee and ate cheap food.
And in the midst of this, something was brewing. Truths from both of our ends came spilling out like those cups of water we were drinking were just poured out, and kept flowing.
My friend talked about how she felt so stuck, and apathetic about it.
She explained how she had tried to change it, but nothing would move her out of it. Flat lined, and unable to get up and help herself. And, being where I've been spiritually the last couple of weeks, I know how she felt to well.
The goodness of God is an unexplainable miracle. I am amazed that the Lord picked me up out of the waterless pit that I was in.
And this conversation reminded me of His goodness. You see, this friend of mine isn't by any means your run of the mill Colorado Springian. No, she is one of passion, of vision, of purpose, and potential. And listening to her, and how she opened up to me and told me how she was, and how she felt like she couldn't be real or honest with anyone around her, broke me. Nearly brought me to tears in fact. Not just because she felt like she had to be insincere or guarded around the people she's around, but because I've seen this woman grow from nothing into a God-fearing woman who cannot be stopped. And hearing that she feels trapped or unable to move, resonated to deeply with me and I feel like in that moment, the Lord gave me a glimpse of what that felt like, right then and there. I know what it feels like in context to me, but in context to her, it was a very different pain.
Earlier that day, the Lord reminded me of Ezekiel 16.
Guys, I forget where I've come from too easily.
I forget that I was wallowing in my own blood that was bleeding out at rapid pace. That I was unable to save myself, and with no one else to call out to.
I have forgotten the Lord's call to me in that moment: "Live!"
"I said to you in your blood, 'Live!' I said to you in your blood, 'Live!'"
I forget that just as easily as I was saved, I played the whore.
All have wandered from the path at some point, my friends.
But His goodness, and unlimited mercy come to us, and restore us, and make us righteous again.
If we don't remember that Jesus took us out of our own blood, and put us in His just so we could be with God, then what's the point of the gospel? If we can't remember ourselves, how to we expect to explain it in a tangible and interpersonal way?
I've seen far to many people talk about Jesus with a stone wall for a face. He's not exciting to them anymore. He's not their source of life. He's not their joy, which in the end results in Him not being their strength.
My friend says she misses being passionate. Being a new believer, in what some would call the "honey-moon phase."
But I kind of want to challenge that idea, because I'm not sure if I believe in a honey-moon phase anymore. Especially with the Lord.
My early spiritual life was a roller coaster of emotional highs and lows. Every retreat/conference I would go to pumped me up to beat sin and tell everyone I knew about Jesus, and in that moment, oh, did I love God. I was passionate. I felt whole. I felt like this is what Christianity should be, and never wanted to leave.
And now, as I feel the Lord pushing me into a dream and a vision I've had for the last two years, I begin to realize something about those moments of tearful worship experiences and pack-a-punch sermons.
Even though they pushed me toward the Lord in that moment, they did little to disciple me.
And quite honestly, they made my walk with the Lord more about me, than they did about Jesus.
I'm realizing this whole thing, the whole world, the whole universe, all of time, and what ever else you could think of, IS NOT ABOUT ME.
When I say not about me, I don't think I'm talking about being the center of attention, or an antagonist in a story. When I say it's not about me, I mean it's about Jesus. Even though I'm in the story and I live this life, I have to take myself completely out of the story to see the whole picture, to let it be about Jesus.
At least, that's what Jesus portrayed. He constantly laid Himself down for those around Him.
Constantly giving, constant sacrifice, constant selflessness.
When we make it primarily about our Father, and secondly about others, some kind of supernaturally birthed passion comes alive in us. Honey-moon phases, emotional highs and lows, and everything else that would prevent us from doing the Lord's will passes.
We formally served ourselves. Let us throw that way of living out, and live to serve God and our brothers and sisters! Oh, how the world would see Christ if we only loved each other the way Christ loves us! They would see and know, and experience the Almighty.
"You have multiplied, O Lord my God, your wondrous deeds and your thoughts toward us; none can compare to you! I will proclaim and tell of them, yet they are more than can be told."
I don't really know how to conclude this entry, cause I feel like it may be unfinished. But for now, I will leave it at that.