Contrite.

I don't have anything to give.
Nothing to offer. Nothing to show for.
But I try to prove I do.
I would love for you to believe I can make a difference in the world.
That I have the power to overcome my sin and depravity.
I wish I could.


Oh God, what gift can I bring that you haven't already given me?
I am so envious of what everyone else has, and its stopped You from getting to me.
I want what you've given them. The words, the people, the clothes, the hair, the personality. The likeability.
I want words of man. Ones that don't last.

Why does my heart want these things.

God. I'm so sorry.
I have no words to describe what my heart feels, but you know.
You know the pain within me. The wrestling. But its so much more than that.
Oh God, my spirit groans to be clothed with heaven's splendor and forget this world and its pains and blows.

I have nothing to bring You.

But a life battered and broken. Tattered and torn.
Ripped and shredded.

Oh God, when you found me, I was wallowing in my blood.
I was in imminent death. Life kept slowly bleeding out. More and more.

And when I heard your voice.
I didn't think it would've come with the power that it did.
But my life couldn't stay in this promise of destruction.
You had something else in mind.

Oh death, where is thy sting?
Jesus Christ has laid you to rest.
He has conquered the grave and forced sin to submit.
Freedom for those who have been so robbed of it.

If we all took a step back to see who we are without Christ, we would all melt with the fear of God and the anticipation of judgement.

Jesus, what did you really do for me 2000 years ago?
Because I just don't get it.
Not yet.
Because I know, if I really got it, I wouldn't be living like this.

I'm so jealous of the way other people have experienced You.
And I feel like I've only scratched the surface.
I'm obviously more spiritual than them. Doesn't that mean I should be encountering You more than them?

Or is that completely wrong?
And in fact, is that mentality the one that drives you further and further from me?

I mean, God, look at me.
I don't do things like the wordly.
I don't have one night stands. I don't take drugs. I don't get drunk. I don't kill. I don't rob. I don't. I don't. I don't...
Doesn't that make me worth something in your eyes?
Doesn't that give me value?
I mean, common. I'm doing a Discipleship TRAINING School. Which is only meant for the most spiritual of the spiritual.
And in a place surrounded by unholiness and needs for You, or me.

I think I'm still capable of these things.
I infact, am able.

But God, you know what?
I think I'm sick of being overwhelmed by the weight of my sin.
Its no longer my burden to carry.

Its time to repent, and move on. Having my fixed on You, Jesus, pressing on to make this faith my own.
'Cause Jesus, You made me Yours.

You are jealous for me in a way I can't understand.
If Jesus, being Your one and only real Son, couldn't do anything without You,
how can I, a product of adoption, expect to be able to put my pants on every morning without You?

I don't understand my sin.
Because it just doesn't make any freaking sense.

God, I've got so many questions.
And I know you've got the answers.
But, I want to lay these aside, because I know along the way, You'll answer these questions.
I will lack nothing I need.

I just can't really get over You right now.
I can't stop writing.

God, I don't want to be better than anyone anymore. I don't want to try for that.
I don't want to prove myself anymore.
I don't want to want what others have anymore.

I want to enjoy what I'm given.
You don't have favorites. You love your children all equal.
And I think for the first time, I'm ready to accept that.

This brings all new meaning to my life.
I'm pretty sure.

Friends.
This is my last writing for a couple months
Its something I needed to write.
Pray for us while we're in Mozambique and South Africa.
We need it.
And we are nothing great at all. Nothing.
But God has plans for His people.
And we are His people.
We'll see things happen because the Lord wills it.
Not because of something we are.
Africa will kill my envy. My pride. My sin.
Time to be refined.

I bid you all a pleasant two months.

things you don't wanna see.

I left the Springs three months ago, more excited about Berlin than about outreach.
Berlin was the only thing I could think about.
And now. My time left in Berlin is almost over. Less than two weeks left.
I cannot believe its here already. Its almost like us students are begging God for more time.
We don't feel like we've grown. We know we have, but we can't see it. yet.
I left home 12 weeks ago with a message from the Lord about outreach.

"Taylor, you're going to see things on outreach that you don't want to see. That no one wants to see. But no matter what, do not fear. Even when you want to be afraid. Do not fear."

Never in my life did I think this would be in Africa.
Or that I would be a missionary in such a place. A dark, hard, beautiful mesh of land.
We all hear about the troubles that Africa has experienced.

Orphans. AIDS. Widows. War. Child soldiers. and the like...

I've always heard that the "real" missionaries go to Africa. And personally, I never had the desire. I thought so many times, "I hate how everyone just goes to Africa and ignores the other places on earth." Which I still agree with, but my heart was hard because of all the suffering in Africa that had been exposed to me.
There is great need in this place.

So many people dying.
So many people sick.
So many people hurt.
So many people.

People who know brokenness.
People who know death.
People who know evil.
People who know injustice.

The least of these.
The scum of the earth.
The place that everyone all over the world looks upon, and expresses pity.

This is unreal. And I'm not only going to see this. I'm going to experience it. 12 weeks among a people who have the most incredible stories ever told, and many of them are only 1/3 of my age. They've lost it all. And its not like that had much to begin with. But they have nothing.


And what can I, a westerner with a simple desire to know God, do to help these people?

Nothing.
Just as Jesus could do nothing by Himself (John 5:30).

You see, when I found out we were going to Mozambique and South Africa, something in my heart changed.
An anticipation filled my heart. Excitement. Eagerness.
A readiness.

In 10 days, I fly out of Frankfurt, to Qatar, to Johannesburg. Then by bus to Maputo.

This is crazy, I am only an 18 year old punk who got of high school almost a year ago (its almost already been a year?!).
Why am I doing this? HOW am I doing this?
I can't describe the incredible awe of God's grace in this situation.

But I know I have purpose and mission there.
And by the grace of God, I am what I am.
I'm going to see things I don't want to see.

Movement II.

My own words judge me.
I just read my own blog. Movement.
And. I don't know to say it in any other way, than those words were a seed choked in my own heart.

God, in all His tenderness and affection, again, is telling me to slow down.
Praise God for His steadfast love. It endures forever. It overcomes our mistakes, and reaches us.

There is no condemnation for those who are in Christ.
And this includes self-condemnation.
It must end here.

"Today if you hear His voice, do not harden your' hearts, as you did in the rebellion."
Hebrews 3-4.
This is written three times in these two passages.
Unbelievable.
I hear that, in Hebrew (even though this was written in Greek), when something is written three times, it implies extreme emphasis.

Its time to hold fast to the word of the Lord.

We had a speaker this week, who was incredible. She talked about prayer, the Trinity, salvation and quite a few other things.
For me, specifically. She said, "Taylor. You need to stop looking down. You need to stop focussing on you. Look up. Look at Jesus."

During one of our sessions, she began to talk about how the move of God, is movement.
God moves at just the right time. But, the movement of the Spirit, is one that comes to us and returns back inside the Trinity. God. Meaning God is making us one with Him.

We talked about holiness a lot this week. Letting the fullness of God dwell in us, like Paul prays in Ephesians 3:19.
Christ had the fullness of God. Colossians 1:19 says it was pleased to be within Him.
Looks like that same fullness of God, is able to dwell in us.

What?

Yeah, I just said that.
God, in His FULLNESS, can dwell in us. We can be holy here and now.

But this blog isn't about holiness.

Its about slowing down.

Its about resting. Its about enjoying God. Enjoying your life with Him.

I'm guilty of making God a task, like cleaning a toilet.
I'm guilty of making relationship obligation.
I'm guilty of believing lies about the character of God.

God moves. He breathes. He brings rest. He does stuff.
But He also rests.

I see how people get burned out. And if I didn't have people in my life (even showing me more so, the importance of community), I would be headed there again.
But because I know people who care for me, and know me and know God. God is able to speak through them, when I don't pay attention to Him.
I'm also guilty of grieving the Holy Spirit.

Hebrews 3:7-4:13 is a passage that talks about the Israelites, and how they, in the place of testing, ignored God.
Do not harden your hearts.
As you once did.
This is another chance. Another test.
Do not harden your hearts, if you hear Him.
Don't believe you don't hear Him.
Don't ignore the smallest whisper which, in your mind, can barely be hard.
If you hear His voice, do not harden your hearts.

Its in hearing His voice, not listening to it through one's own hardness, and acting in disobedience that the writter of Hebrews describes. They couldn't enter the rest of God because of unbelief.
And if man could've given them rest, aka Joshua, God wouldn't have said to them "Today,..." implying another time.
He brings rest.

I'm not talking about being a work-a-holic.
I'm talking about life with God.

How many of us are guilty of saying,
"I'll read three chapters of this book of the Bible, pray for this long, and 'God-time' is over."
Many. But we all know, that isn't relationship.
Relationship says,
"I'll go hang out with this person at this time. And we'll hang out till we're done."
Sure, there are time limits. But that freedom we give our time with people, we need to give to God.

And God lives outside of those God-times.
He is living, breathing. We can't compartmentalize Him.

And you know what.
I'm done saying what we can do, and can't do. Those are destined to parish with use.

Its time to explore relationship with God in freedom. Free for freedom's sake.
It is time to fix our eyes on the founder and PERFECTER of our faith.
Steadfastly.

I'm done looking at what I'm doing wrong, because when I fix my eyes on Jesus, what I'm doing wrong has no power or authority. I'm attracted to that, which makes me who I really am.

Slowing down enough to hear the voice of God.
To recognize it. To grow familiar with it.

Today, if you hear His voice. Do not harden your hearts.
And encourage each other, holding one another accountable, as long as it is called "Today."
So that none of us may be hardened by the deceitfulness of sin.
We know Christ, if we hold fast to this, till the end.
Finish the race with me friends.

We can't do this alone.

Quench.

I know a lot of people complain about how we live in a consuming culture and how its time to change that. I'm sick of hearing it, as well as saying it. But I think I'm sick of hearing it because its true. The West is made to consume. To take in. To experience. To find satisfaction in anything and everything.

For awhile now, I've felt slightly distant from God. And when I say slightly, I mean slightly in the sense to sound like I'm still doing ok, when I'm not. I feel like my prayers are hindered. My worship is invalid. The scriptures I read are bland. Everythings becoming less enjoyable in my walk.

And yes, we could down the road that says, "Taylor, keep pushing regardless of how you feel. We don't pursue God because how it makes us feel."

I wish I could say thats true. But I'm kind of sick of living a lie.
Because lets face it folks. If God's presence did make us feel complete, why would we seek Him?

If something about God didn't satisfy every desire in us, why would we even try to find Him out?

We wouldn't.

I've heard the question, "If you never encountered God again for the rest of your life, and had to rely on your knowledge of the Bible and your previous encounters with Him in order to seek Him, would you still seek Him?"

Everyone jumps to that questions, shouting "Yes! Of course!"

However friends, I cannot say that.
If I never experienced God after today, and had to rely on myself, that isn't much of a relationship with God. My hope that I put in God cannot transfer to my knowledge. I would no longer pursue the Lord. Because in fact, if the presence of God isn't something that validates everything we believe, than what is it?

God knows every desire in us. He put them in us Himself.

I'm convinced many of us, including me, have fallen into the lie that God cannot satisfy those desires. Whether they be physical or relational or whatever.

I believed for so long that God could not meet my needs in that sense. Sure, God can provide the physical, but as far as emotional and relational needs? Nope. Because, I mean, if I really believed that, I think I would be seeking my satisfaction in Him more and more and harder and harder. But if He can't meet them, then that's ok. I still love God. I still worship Him. I just make idols to fill my needs in those aspects, but God can have the rest.

I'm starting to sound like Cain: giving whats left to God.

But dudes. Look. God is relationship. Trinity. HE is the definition of companionship. Friendship with Him is glorious. Its what we're made for.
God made us to glorify Him. That is our single purpose. And guess what.

We get satisfaction in it.

We have idols. Friends. Food. Future spouses. Churches. Jobs. Governments. HEALTH CARE SYSTEMS. Cars. Houses.
We're living blind, friends. God is calling us to through them down, and seek Him fully.
We've heard the idol talk so many times. But I'm convinced, that if we aren't searching for God like we would for silver and gold, if we are always feeling unsettled and look for satisfaction in other sources when we know we should be seeking God, and we feel guilt accordingly, we still have idols.

Ezekiel 16.
The faithless bride we are. I can't imagine how I break God's heart.
Deuteronomy 8.
We must remember to thank God for what He has given us, or we forget Him and make ourselves idols.
Proverbs 27:20.
We will find ourselves never satisfied with addictions and idols, because death and destruction are never quenched. The grave has a mighty appetite.

Deuteronomy 4:28-30.
"And there you will serve gods of wood and stone, the work of human hands, that neither see, nor hear, nor eat, nor smell. But from there you will seek the Lord your God, and you will find Him if you search after Him with all your heart and with all your soul."

Its time to give God all He deserves.
Time to stop robbing Him of us.
Because Jesus paid the price for us.
Stop consuming. Start being thankful regardless of what you have.
And if nothing material, you still have God. And He, my friends, is more than enough.

Genuine.

I could write about a lot of things right now.
A lot of things.

But I feel there is something I need to confess. And to say.

To the women. Not girls.
I know nothing has ceased me, accept what is common to everyone else. But in that, repentance must still be made. No excuses this time. I have to own up to my responsibility. And, to return to you the honor and dignity that has been stolen, I for one will decide to no longer keep in this rut. I’m under grace now, and the bar has been raised. Therefore I shall take hold off the self-control necessary, that Christ gave me, to keep my eyes on your eyes, and not on your body.
To my sisters in the Body. And those whom I may not be united with in Christ, but are still loved by the same Father. I have something very sincere I must say.

I am sorry. From the bottom, of my heart.

I have failed you. I have treated you like you are all object. Mere tools of pleasure. My heart has lusted after you. The God-given desire in me, for physical intimacy, I allowed to take over. My heart hasn’t waited.

Forgive me. I desire to clear this so I may worship the Lord. In purity.
I need your forgiveness.
I have not defended you like you deserve. Like royalty, willing to die to protect against all attacks physical, mental, emotional, verbal and spiritual. I have not acting in such love, of laying my life down. But the Lord says you are worthy of such honors. And I say, I shall no longer be on the opposite side, waiting for another opportunity to please the nature.

Rather, treating you, my sisters, with absolute purity. Encouraging you. Recognizing your potential in the Kingdom. You are beautiful. And not just physically. The Lord has opened my eyes to see the beauty on the inside that we say we all really want, but its lies. The Lord is the only one who can open the eyes of your heart to see such wonder.
For now on, madams, you are respected, dignified and honored in my eyes.

To the one whom the Lord has given me, if she, being the grace and that she is, exists.
Forgive me for not keeping completely pure. For not giving you all of myself. For letting my heart wander for other men’s wives. I am an adulterer in nature. I am unfaithful to you. I plead your forgiveness. Because, you mean everything to me, and I don’t even know you yet. But to know that the Lord has given you to me, reminds me of how good He is. You already reflect His defining characteristics. You are whom I desire to give the rest of me too. Only you. No one else. No other woman can become you. I desire you. Because He made us for each other. But. I’ve been unfaithful and don’t deserve you. And if you didn’t even forgive me, I would understand. But this is my apology.

Lord, thank you for your great grace. Bless these women, for undergoing so much misconduct. Restore them. Take them out of those avenues, and bring them home. Home to your loving arms. To where love is not earned, but freely given. Just like royalty.

To the guys.

Dudes. Brothers. We need to step things up.
We've let our views of woman be polluted by culture.
So many things in our culture telling us and showing us that women are merely here to please us.
Pornography says so. Masturbation says so. Cheap relationships say so. Media says so.
And we all struggle with these. We all do.
But men. We need to come to our senses. These girls, yes, even the ones that sell themselves on the streets or to a camera, are daughters of the King. They have enough men treating them like a sex object.

Now is our time.
A time to respect our sisters.
To love them with an unconditional love.
To serve them, like the princesses they are.
And maybe, by being Jesus in purity to them, we can change what the culture says they are, what the culture says we are.

We are men of dignity.
And we cannot be united with the adulteress any longer.
She has been on her corner waiting for us, and we've been naively going along with lust for far too long.
No longer. To throw off these things that hinder us. To have self-control.
I, myself have succumb to these things, and am all to familiar with them.
But because God is showing me who I am, and who He is, I will not tolerate my nature anymore.
No longer will I offer the parts of my body as slaves to sin. I am, a slave a righteousness. A slave of purity.


We were bought with a price. 1 Corinthians 6:18-20.

Now is the time.

We are the body. Together. Its time to love like brothers and sisters. Coheirs, together.
We are made for each other. For God.
We cannot keep the pollution any longer.

Bekannt.

There is something deep inside me. Something that wants someone to notice the littlest things about me. To pay full attention to me. To really understand me. Not just partially, but fully. Completely. Understand my intentions. My expectations. The slightest habits I have. How I drink my coffee, my sleeping patterns, my mourning routine.

I know that no one can fill that desire.
and its unfair for me to expect anyone too.

But I desire to be known.
Not in a famous sort of way.

In an intimate friendship where nothing is hidden sort of way.

No one, not even a spouse, can fill that desire.

Psalm 139.

O Lord, you have searched me and known me!

Jeremiah 1:5

Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, and before you were born I consecrated you; I appointed you a prophet to the nations.

Before anything. Before Adam, the garden, the fall, and even light, God knew what your favorite color would be. He knew what your favorite song would be. He knew how many showers you would take over the span of your life. The places you'd go. The car accidents you'd have. The friends who would influence you the most. The color of your first car (and for some odd cases, what you would spray pant on that car...). The moments in your life when you felt the most alive. The times where you felt completely alone and abandoned. Your favorite weather setting. Your style of clothes. The way you would come to Him. How the color of your eyes would change from blue to hazel. How you would break your arm when you were 8. What mentor would influence you the most. Your first job. Your first speeding ticket. How many pairs of socks you had at age 16. That your greatest fear is being forgotten. That you only wear Chucks. That you would play the guitar. That you hate wearing watches. That you would move to Germany in January of 2010.

He knew it all.
Everything. Everything.

Through Him knowing us, He must always be with us. Experience things with us.
David says in verse 7 of Ps 139, "Where shall I go from your Spirit? Or where shall I flee from your presence?" and in verse 9-10, "If I take the wings of the morning and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea, even there your hand shall lead me, and your right hand shall hold me."

Even in the depths of the storm. God is with us.
He knows our reaction to trial.

And He is with us, to calm us. To carry us.

Er ist immer mit uns. Für immer bleibt Er mit uns.
Nie zu weggehen.

Wir sind ganz bekannt.

Und das ist meine Gedanke für heute. Ich hoffe du hast es genossen.

Movement.

This has been a long time coming.

The last few weeks have been a whirlwind. Busy and packed and tiring. And in that process of being busy from waking up to going to bed, God really gets to you. God gets to show you, who you really are.

I had little time to process. A lot of the time, I felt like breaking down. So frustrated with myself. Not spending time with the Lord. Keep going and going and going.

One of my roommates said something to me one day that really through me for a loop.

"You're always, going. You never stop."

Yes, I know that. Life's busy. I have to go quickly. I have to do everything quickly. I haven't time to waste, after all, time is a gift from the Lord and I want to be a good steward. I don't have time to sit down and waste time looking at the trees and admiring how people walk, or to be appreciative...

And that is where I had to step back.

Thinking about patterns and habits and how I live. I try to hurry in everything. In the way I walk, the way I eat, the way I sleep even. Very American of me, but I think I have a special case.

I'll pick that theory back up in a second.

But I must add a story that adds in.

One day, we were having sports on one Thursday. I don't like sports. I have woundings from sports. I've never been 'good enough' for sports. So we were going for a run. And it was freezing outside. Its hard for me to run in the cold and I get sick really easily from running in the cold. So I end up walking after trying to run, and was so frustrated. I was telling God all this.

You see, I have many areas in my life where I've given up. Tried, failed, and given up. Sports was one of them. Music, another. Most recently, German. And sometimes, I even feel like that with God.

I was being the clay that asks the Potter, "Why have you made me like this? Why can't I get past this certain area? Why can't my ability in anything grow past amateur?"

I've questioned my salvation a lot these last 3 weeks. I'm not sure if thats good or bad. Maybe both. Regardless, when circumstances around you, make you evaluate how you live and who you are, I think its a great chance for improvement. Especially when it comes to how we look at God.

I was trying to take the fast track, everywhere. Especially with God. And He has continually said to me, "Be still. Wait on me. Wait on God." In scripture, through people, in mundane areas of life.

There isn't a fast way to wait on God.

God is in the heavens, and He does as He pleases.

That doesn't mean we'll all be waiting on God for 5 days before He speaks. I think people think God will talk to us only if we do extremes like that. Or if we go to places like China where its illegal to be a Christian. I think God wants to talk to all of us. Really talk. We can hear His voice. Moses talked with God like a friend, says Exodus 33:11. Why can't we? "God doesn't work like that anymore." I don't believe that. And even if I did, why not? God doesn't change.

I believe, if we slowed down for enough time to appreciate God, and not that simple "Thanks for the sun God!" as we're driving to work, but really reflect on what God has given us and see how He loves us in what He has given us, then we would realize how often God DOES talk to us like Moses.

"God, why have you made me like this?"

and because I said that to God, the Lord, because of His mercy, showed me why I had failed in these areas.

I am impatient.

I did not want to take the time and use the effort to really do what was necessary to increase my ability. In every area. Sports, music, German, God.

And I get wounded from these things. Because I expect them all to be something they can't be. Wisdom would say something around one cannot become an adult within one years life span.

We have to learn the lessons along the way of growing. Sounds like a lame Chinese proverb. But I think its the truth.

I don't appreciate things the way they should be appreciated. I hate that. I want to look at a scene scape, I want to see it the way the Lord does. If the whole earth is full of His glory, shouldn't we pause more often and look at it in depth?

In my speed, I've also seen that I don't really trust people. I'm controlling.

People wont get stuff done the way I want, when I want, so I have to do it myself or micromanage them. I do the same, in fact with God.

What a wicked person I am.

To try and manipulate and control God.

Pride. I think I can do things better than the definition of Creator. I can't be better than the Best. Sorry self.

Truth slap, after truth slap.

I had no clue how to change these areas. I felt stuck. Hopeless. And because there is a spirit of hopelessness that resides in Berlin, it was overwhelming at times.

This last weekend, we as the students here, decided we wanted to pray and fast continually for 24 hours. We aren't that spiritual, dudes. We just felt like we needed to do something together, the 9 of us.

We had shifts of 1 hour. From 10pm-6am we had two people at least to keep each other from falling asleep.

The Lord showed me something, like He always does.

Every time we walked in the room. We started praying. Every single time, that hour, felt like 5 minutes. Every time.

And the Lord took me to 2 Peter.

3:8-9

But do not forget this one thing, dear friends: With the Lord a day is like a thousand years, and a thousand years are like a day. The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise, as some understand slowness. He is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance.

God is patient with me. Through my transgressions, iniquities and sins. Forgiveness is constantly given to me.

Why shouldn't I be patient with God?

Why shouldn't I go wait before God for hours upon hours?

There is no reason.

Our flesh fights every time we go to God. Every time.

Something deep inside me hates it when I pray.

Thats the nature folks.

We still live here, in this fallen world.

And fallen are we.

I had to repent of my movement.

I'd encourage you, my friends. Give God time to speak. And repent for not appreciating everything He's given. He is a good, faithful, and forgiving God.

City.

God, really isn't difficult.

God, really isn't hard to understand in the concept of getting to know Him.

But we make it that way.

Things are getting settled here. We're having orientation week, having some basic courses on stuff like intimacy with God, intercession, and evangelism and the like. I've been reminded of a lot of things I've let slip from my mind. Thank you, Jesus, for reminding me off them.

I've missed home.

More than I should I think.

There have been times I've been dying just to speak with people back home.

I thought about pulling onto Briargate Pkwy from my house, and missed it. I wanted to do that.

I've missed singing in my car, driving with the windows down.

I've missed boba.

I've missed Starbucks, interacting with people and drinking coffee all the time (I still do that).

I've missed ice. How I long for really, REALLY cold mountain springs fresh water.

And do you know what keeps coming to mind?

Philippines 3:7-10.

I keep hearing God say, "count it loss."

"Count it loss compared to knowing me here. In this city. In Berlin, Germany. Count it loss. "

God, what about the people I love with all of my being? I miss them and I don't know if I can go on without them.

"Count it loss."

What else am I living for, I mean really.

Wife. Kids. Job? People?

This life is so, not worth it.

Count it loss.

This city. Where I'm at. Sooooo much has happened here.

More than just a wall being built to divide the city.

More than just hatred and angst towards people groups.

This city has known pain, far better than most other places all over the globe.

I heard it said today that, 7 out of 10 women in Berlin had been raped multiple times during WWII. Thats 70% of the population of females. In a city of probably around 2 million people.

Thats ridiculous.

Thats just one fact. I heard that 120,000 jews used to live in Berlin before WWII.

After. Maybe 5,000.

This city, is a mini-scale of Europe.

There are about 210 countries in the world.

Berlin has original peoples from around 160 of them.

160 nations represented, and so many haven't ever heard of Jesus.

Guys, this is going to be huge. The Lord wants to really pour out on this city, and as He does, these people will bring it back with them.

And.

Nation, by nation will see Jesus.

SO much potential to see so much change.

I've received vision for it, the staff here feels very very very very similar.

And I'm more concerned about missing people back home?

Staying on skype instead of staying in prayer?

Waring for internet connection instead of waring for souls?

Such sin.

And I kept running from my purposes here.

I once was praying for Berlin. And the words "Lord, let Berlin be a Nineveh that once her sin is shown her, she can't help but run too you and repent!" just came out of my mouth. I felt that was the Spirit talking.

I believe that, if Berlin is Nineveh, I must surely be Jonah.

I have many Tarshishs I've been running too.

Many areas where my time is taken from me.

And I'm not living up to my calling here.

And I tell you something.

Thats as scary as hell to me. That I would do that here.

Who am I to refuse God.

I think thats the thing about sin. Sin robs us of pleasure. God will still bless us, regardless of sin. But, instead of being able to really rejoice and thank God for what we've been given, we feel guilt and shame. Sin robs us of the pleasure of rejoicing with God.

I've been so worried about people around me, and impatient and hoping that I would be able to bond with them right away.

And in my impatient frustration, I've set my expectations too high.

I was praying last night, asking God for help and how can I do this.

I was reminded of 1 Chronicles 28:20-21

You should read the whole chapter.

Then David said to Solomon his son, "Be strong and courageous and do it. Do not be afraid and do not be dismayed, for the LORD God, even my God, is with you. He will not leave you or forsake you, until all the work for the service of the house of the Lord is finished. And behold the divisions of the priests and the Levites for all the service of the house of God; and with you in all the work will be every willing man who has skill for any kind of service; also the officers and all the people will be wholly at your command."

People skilled in any and everything will be with you.

God's provided just the right people for me.

I think there is a lot of pride in anxiety.

thinking that we could do it better and not trusting God to do it the right way.

But. I'm a prideful selfish man.

Thank God for His grace and mercy on me.

He is so beyond good to me.

We need your prayers over here folks.

Intercede for Berlin. For Germany.

For the people.

Pray Jesus revealed. Pray the pain would be met with comfort and gentleness.

I think we're all going to be part of this, in one form or another. Not just me.

God, really loves me.

And I want to wear Psalms 42.

Not searching for time to be on my computer.

Searching for time to fill up praying. Knowing God. Learning His heart.

Jesus is all we have, fellow children.

I will not pretend to have anything else that matters anymore.

Ich habe heute mich gefunden.

I remember.

I remember what I loved about this city.

I remember the burden the Lord laid on my heart.

I found myself today.

Ich vermisse jeder, aber muss ich weiter ohne sie.

Und ich weiß nicht warum bin ich hier, aber Gott weißt, und nur er.

Heute, erinnere ich mich.

Ich habe heute die Stadt besichtigen.

For your sake, that'll be the last of the German.

Some of the very famous touristy places. Places I had been before. Places normal people go.

Its funny, the closer and closer you get to these places, the more english you here. Well done, America.

I started the day off by buying a day ticket for all public trans, so I could get around easily enough. Trams, subways, and busses all awaited me.

It was cold today.

Not just cold, cold. Windy cold.

I took some Pictures. If my photographer friends were here, they'd probably freak out.

Before today, I'd been slightly discouraged. My German was terrible, I didn't get out to do anything, I got lost my first time out alone, I've been sick, etc...

Stupid things I let get to my head.

I decided to go to Alexanderplatz first. I heard it was awesome, and a lot of people go there, and it was easy to get too.

I get to a station called Ostkreuz, and am trying to figure out which train to take, because I can take 4 different ones that all lead me in the right direction.

After missing I'm sure, 3 trains, I find the exact one I want, and as I'm waiting, I hear the lady in the wheel chair behind me ask for me to help her onto the subway.

I say gladly.

And I proceed to talk to her in German. I tell her what I'm doing in Berlin, and ask her about her life.

Side note, most Germans would've helped her. But they wouldn't have talked to her. The people here don't talk to strangers without prompt. Not like us in America. Even if they're doing something for the other.

So as I apologize for my terrible German and such, she asks me,

"So you're really interested in us Germans?"

I say definitely.

And a tear rolls down her cheek.

I continue talking to her and we exit on the same station.

I find a Starbucks (creature of habit), and start to journal. Than I realize something.

I have exactly what I wanted. Ich habe genau was habe ich gewollt.

And I've been so blinded by sadness of leaving,

that I forgot the joy of coming.

I love this place.

I love the people (well, most).

I love the culture (well, most).

I wanted to move her six months ago.

I moved here six months later.

What love, has the Lord bestowed on me, that I receive my hearts desire.

And I don't eternally rejoice for it...

I'm guilty of great sin.

Forgive me, Father.

My loss is counted just to know you. What joy it is to know you.

I went to Potsdammer Platz which is a huge shopping place/theater and walked around.

Then to the Brandenburg Gate. To the Reichstag. To Tegel (and unfortunately the ice cream shop we often visited in June is closed to February). To back home.

I made friends with these two dudes who work at a 24 hour Döner Kebap shop in Tegel.

It'll be interesting to see how that goes.

Everybody here smokes. Everybody here drinks. Everybody here is silently in pain.

Everybody here looks cold, all the time. Regardless of seasons.

Joy is unusual.

Love is corrupt.

Peace is mistaken.

Patience is useless.

Kindness is rare.

Gentleness is impossible.

Faithfulness is unheard of.

Self-Control is unnecessary.

Hope is nonexistent.

And friends, thats not just Germany. Thats the nature we all carry with us.

But.

The Spirit, of the Sovereign Lord, is on me.

And I cannot keep silent anymore.

And I can't be all about my convenience anymore.

Germany needs healing.

So many hurt. So many wounded. So many dying.

They want the healing, they just do not know how to receive it.

And they wont believe in God, unless they see Him.

I believe, their desire to see Him, is not one of rebellion and disbelief.

Its one of wanting to know for certain what is what because they have been lied to, and deceived so many times.

And I believe the Father is going to honor that.

And reveal Himself.

Joel 2:28-32.

²⁸ "And afterward,
I will pour out my Spirit on all people.
Your sons and daughters will prophesy,
your old men will dream dreams,
your young men will see visions.

²⁹ Even on my servants, both men and women,
I will pour out my Spirit in those days.

³⁰ I will show wonders in the heavens
and on the earth,
blood and fire and billows of smoke.

³¹ The sun will be turned to darkness
and the moon to blood
before the coming of the great and dreadful day of the LORD.

³² And everyone who calls
on the name of the LORD will be saved;
for on Mount Zion and in Jerusalem
there will be deliverance,
as the LORD has said,
among the survivors
whom the LORD calls.

The Lord is calling Germany.

And they're beginning to call back.

Friends. I ask you to join with me in prayer for Berlin and overall Germany.

That their guilt and shame would ultimately make them seek the ultimate Healer.

And that they would be healed.

I found myself in all of this today. Not only me, but also the Lord.

And He is here, with me.

knowledgebuildings.

I'm here. In Berlin.

Am I excited?

Trying to be.

Am I scared?

Trying not to be.

This is hard, guys. A lot harder than I anticipated. My thoughts keep revolving around home. The people back there. How I miss them.

Cynicism sets in, and I think thoughts like, "Who am I?" "What am I doing here?" "What was I thinking?" and "I want to go home."

I'm in a completely different culture, and people speak a completely different language.

Its not like I moved to Texas, which would be frightening enough.

I moved to the capital of another COUNTRY. Berlin, Germany.

What.

And I still can't take credit for all of it. The way the Lord worked it out.

He has to have something in mind for all this, I keep reminded myself.

Rather, the Holy Spirit reminds me.

Talking with Helio and Michael and Fabi about the move of the Spirit here, and its already happening. I love that.

But not more than I love myself.

You see, I'm pretty selfish.

I would've been perfectly content in Colorado, working at 'Bucks, living in an apartment, hanging with people. And I would say I hate it, because many aspects of it, I hate.

But God wouldn't let me spend me on me.

He knew what would break me. He knew what would make me depend completely on Him.

I even had to give an early goodbye to my loved ones, because of plane switch arounds. Pissed me off. But I wonder if the Lord was in that, somehow.

Its funny, because as soon as I leave, my friends back home get convicted about friend-idolatry.

I read Audrey's blog, and get convicted myself. (Bee tee dub, read it. audreywilles.wordpress.com)

Its not a fun game.

I think I realize now, that life isn't about me.

And now that God is all I have to hold on to, especially this next week I have alone, I cry like David in the sense of, "Don't be far from me, my God! You alone can deliver me!"

Psalm 22. David feels completely forgotten by God. But He still yet chooses to praise Him.

His words in verse 3 are, "Yet you are holy, enthroned on the praises of Israel."

God is above all of this.

Above my fear.

Above my desire for my friends and family back home.

Above me.

On the praises of your people, O God, do you sit and look down upon me.

Outstretch your grace and mercy to me, for my eyes fail me.

Hearing "You Wont Relent" in German, just hit me.

...Mein Herz ist Dein.

I'm here. And God is here. Same God. Different people.

I got lost today. For a good 3 hours after Gemeinde Auf Dem Weg.

I didn't freak at first. And not until I just went the wrong direction on a train close to the end, did I start to freak out and worry.

I hate being human.

Especially one who can worry a lot.

Because God takes care of His people.

I'm fine, I made it back and all warm and stuff.

But I don't get it. Why do I do these things I hate?

God's words through Josh Thursday keep ringing in my ears.

Fear not, for I am with you.

Fear not, like the command. Not like a hey don't worry bout it.

No like, Taylor, DO NOT fear.

Isaiah 41:10

"...fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."

I keep looking at the buildings, the apartments and stores, for familiarity.

But mostly, they all look the same.

I keep looking at my emotions, sadness and joy, for God.

But my feelings for the moment, all feel the same.

Its the knowledge of the buildings that tell me where I am.

Its the knowledge of the Word and of God that tell me He is close.

And will never leave.

God, I need joy in this loss.

...I need strength to count this all as loss, just to know Christ.

Buildings are hollow, and so are my feelings.

But my God is strong and full.

Someone I barely know, sent me this on Facebook right after I left.

"I had no idea you were moving to Germany. None whatsoever.

But I had this dream about you last night.

You had cuts and bruises all over your body and it seemed as though your limbs were broken and everyone around you was telling you that you needed to get to a doctor and be taken care of but you kept refusing saying, "I need to be broken, I need to be broken all is well" over and over. And there was so much chaos around you. Everyone was running around and yelling and telling you that you could not remain in the state you were in but you were so calm and so at peace. It was all over your face... You knew...

And that's all you said over and over and over... "I need to be broken, I need to be broken all is well"

I woke up and sort of pushed the dream out of my head... But then I got a Twitter update from Josh Cuchiara about you leaving... And I was like... Huh?

So I uh, facebook stalked you and read your blog and was just amazed.

I really don't have anything else to say except... Godspeed to you.
God's blessings and provisions to you for your obedience...

Isaiah 66:14-16 (Message)
You'll see all this and burst with joy... you'll feel ten feet tall...
As it becomes apparent that God is on your side...

:)

All is well..."

No one said this would be easy.

Why the hell did I expect it to be.

Because.

My hope was in me.

And that wont even work this time around.

Lets face it folks, we all know I can't do anything.

Now, I'm forced to put all my hope in God.

And in that hope, there is the assurance that He WILL never let me go.

Faith sets in, and I think thoughts like, "God, who are you?" "God, what are you doing here?" "God, what are you thinking?"and "God, I want to go to you."

Now, to wait upon the Lord for these answers, and many others.

Warten.

Berlin

I have a story to tell.

A story of God's grace and faithfulness.

I thought it appropriate to write out what the Lord is doing, in me, and how me moving to Berlin actually came to be.

April.

In Revival Town one night, I was in the meeting with many others. It seemed like type a prayer meeting. Worsh, prayer, worsh, prayer. But. Towards the end. Fabian and Kathrin Heinze walked up on stage, preparing to pray for their nation, Deutschland. As Fabi gave background as to how to pray for Germany, for spiritual fathers, everyone's heart united and began to break for Germany. Launching into prayer in their native tongue, my heart exploded.

I cannot describe it.

It wasn't just cool to hear someone pray in another language.

It wasn't just powerful because the God they serve is the same one I serve (even though this is unquenchably powerful).

God was stirring my heart for the next step.

I heard tag was going to Germany at the end of June that night.

I felt strongly that I was supposed to go.

Since I felt like I wasn't made for "Missions" I didn't think a missions trip was in my alley.

The next day, Kayla, my best friend, signed up for the trip. I didn't even mention Germany to her. Now I didn't want to go because she was going and make it seem that was the reason I was going, but I felt the impression harder. GO. GO. GO.

I signed up. I went home that night telling my parents I was going.

Started learning German.

I signed up rather late, so a good chunk of the money was due in the next week. A good chunk being half of the $1500.

And I didn't even have my passport

I am terrible at saving money. Absolute wretched at it. But. Because I was planning a trip to Seattle that Summer, I was saving. I had a little bit over $900.

Just enough to get my passport, and pay half of the deposit.

I wrote support letters. I worked.

And the money kept flowing in.

The Lord used it for others.

It just kept coming in from random places.

The dollar sign means nothing to God.

Through the preparation of the team, and uniting together to pray for Berlin, and Gemeinde Auf Dem Weg, I just felt the Lord working on my character. Defining me.

One night, when we all had a spend the night deal at the prayer center, I felt like God told me He made me to be a reclaimer. Someone who calls back those who have wandered far.

By God's grace. Not my own ability.

God ordained so much. From scriptures being shared with others, to finance, to fellowship, all of it. By His hands.

Berlin finally came.

And.

My heart was broken right in front of me, for a people so desperate for hope.

Looking at every feasible corner for some antidote for their guilt that was not their own.

Alcoholism. Homosexuality. Pornography. Partying. Work. Study.

Vice. Bondage. Sin. Chains.

German people carry the great guilt of millions of lives.

And the current generation's grandparents paved the way for it.

They can do nothing to offer for retribution. They alone must sit in the guilt.

No grace. No mercy. Simple condemnation and shame.

But somehow in all of this.

I knew Berlin was home.

More than Colorado Springs had ever been to me.

I knew I would be moving there, from the moment my feet touched German concrete.

If I were to describe that trip by itself, it would be a whole other blog.

God moved and moves.

When I told people I was moving back, they told me I wasn't. They said it wouldn't happen. That it was just feeling of excitement of my first missions trip. It would go away eventually.

It never did. Still hasn't.

But through the tortuous longs for Germany, I made plans elsewhere. I had doubts, and followed them at first.

The Furnace looked appealing. And I felt like it had to offer what I wanted. Community.

"The counterfeit comes before the real."

One day before the Furnace application was due, New Life was showing the long term missionaries that they sponsor. Fabi and Kathrin came up.

And as soon as I saw them on the screen, the Spirit of God overwhelmed me.

And the clearest words I feel like God has said to me were spoken.

"You're going back."

Amazed, I didn't know what to think of it all. I figured fall of 2010 was when, after the Furnace and all.

Nope.

The next day, as I asked my parents for the check to pay the application fee for the Furn, they told me something that shocked me.

"We don't want you to do something with New Life. We want you out of your comfort zone..."

I didn't have the parental blessing. Huge deal.

People told me to apply anyways. My dad mentioned YWAM.

And when he did, my mind rushed to thoughts of others asking me if I was planning on doing YWAM in Berlin. In fact, I met someone in Berlin who was a Berliner, doing DTS in Berlin.

Confusion followed.

But the God ordainedness through it amazed me.

I didn't work the next few days, totally God.

I got to process with Kayla almost immediately. God.

Brent was sick the first time we tried to meet. So we rescheduled.

I wanted wisdom outside of my rents, and the other two men I would go to were living life with family and busy. But, God, knowing my needs and taking care of me, scheduled my meeting with Brent the day after all this. God.

God gave me new friends after Kayla and Lena left that were TRUE community. GOD.

Brent shared so much valuable wisdom with me. I am so grateful for what the Lord did in that conversation. It motivated me. I was challenged to step in faith.

Romans 4 in the message translation was a big passage of scripture through this for me.

Abraham walked, and trusted God to set him right. Not to be right on his own.

Abraham, the greatest example of faith, acted in faith.

And received promise because of it.

I'm not Abraham. But I have learned and am still learning a lot from him.

I emailed the YWAM base.

Got info. And just got excited.

I applied.

I got accepted, even though I worried beyond belief.

I started preparation.

I bought my one-way plane ticket for $500.

DIA to Charlotte to Frankfurt to Berlin.

Because my mindset is one of human nature, and not yet of God, money was my biggest concern.

$5000+ in less than 4 months. I couldn't do it.

There was no way.

On tag retreat, I felt the Lord specifically tell me not to send out support letters this time around.

I obeyed.

I freaked out constantly. Worrying about money and provision.

But through random people. God provided little by little.

$50 here, $20 there.

I was so thankful. But all of it still didn't measure to much.

Not nearly enough.

Through all of this. The Lord just began to break me.

Showing me all my dependance and hope and trust is in me, and those around me.

Not Him.

And for the last 3 months, God has been having His way with me.

Destroying all my realities of Him.

Wrecking my view of me. And more so of Him.

All Him. By His hands.

This finally bumps us up more to speed.

For DTS, I had to be insured inside of Germany.

The only way that could happen, was if my dad's work would cover me, and somehow consider YWAM higher education.

They consider it higher education. I'm insured.

HUGE deal. God is faithful.

I still around this point, only have $900 ish.

Not nearly the $2240 I need for the lecture phase, due Jan. 22.

Hey guys.

God is faithful.

God is faithful.

GOD is faithful.

God IS faithful.

God is FAITHFUL.

Since my dad's job is considering YWAM higher ed, they can dip into a fund for that education to help provide they way.

$2300.

We had no clue.

After Christmas, I had $3500.

Enough to cover the first section. Incredible.

God has provided for me in the small things.

From chap stick to coffee tumblers.

Clothes to $2300.

I still need more money.

But because I know He is faithful, I know it will come at just the right time.

So. In 13 days, the great return to Berlin will be made.

I am absolutely amazed by God.

Who He is.

How He is.

What He is.

Why He is.

He is.

Germany will be changed.

Not because of my going.

Because of God's jealousy for His people.

There is so much more to the story. Because its His.

There is so much more to be written. He already wrote it.

I am nothing without Jesus.

Mere dirt, without the Spirit.

And it is He who empowers.

I'm humbled and honored to make my way to such an incredible place.

That He, would choose me.

That He loves me.

That He intertwines the desires of my heart into His will for me.

Here I am, Lord.

A mere servant. Here for You. And the work of Your hands.

God is faithful.