tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-40775789587917285882024-03-13T23:13:43.979-07:00Verfolgung von Dir.An outlet of who I Am has made me.Unknownnoreply@blogger.comBlogger23125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4077578958791728588.post-49928019072263447102011-06-15T06:35:00.000-07:002011-06-15T07:39:02.907-07:00ExpectationsHere I am. <br />A week into a two year journey, in a place that I love, among a people my heart is broken for.<br /><br />And I'm frustrated. <br /><br />From the get go, things have not exactly gone according to plan. <br />And not necessarily in a bad way, but not in a good way. <br /><br />There is tons of isolation in this place. Inside of YWAM and outside of it. So much transition, so many people leaving and coming. So much change. As I child, I feared change and wanted everything to always stay the same. Now, it's a part of my everyday life. Berlin is different than I remember, and what I mean by that, is it seems like just as life changes in seasons, so does the atmosphere. At least here. Summer brings in many tourists, and here I am sitting at Starbucks in Hakescher Markt, appearing to be one of them. But I come with higher calling than to simply sight-see. <br /><br />We are waiting on more staff to come today. People I'll be spending a lot of time with, people that will become my closest friends. <br /><br />Currently, we are all just waiting to go to Austria on Sunday for a week long YWAM conference. It'll be a time to learn and grow together. And it sounds like I'll get to drive on the autobahn. Should be fun. I really do hope that it brings us all closer together and gets rid of any division that Satan would like to implement into our team. <br /><br />In fact, I know that's why the Lord has me here. To test me and try me; to get me out of my comfort zone. To build community here in a place where community is only a rumor that one hears of along the grapevine. <br />God is showing me how much I need Him, and how much we, as the body of Christ, need each other.<br /><br />The illustration of the body has never been more real to me. <br /><br />I see how so many times our churches are just piles of limbs with no ligaments or connection. And my friends, we all know that needs to change. A good friend once told me, as one who sees the need for change, I am now responsible to change it. I wholeheartedly agree with that now.<br /><br />Listening to some of the staff and former staff that have been here longer than me, and staffed my school last year, I feel like the the Lord has imparted some discernment and wisdom into me. I, however, am foolish and tend to easily forget that wisdom.<br /><br />I need God, like the trees need the rain. I need God, like a fire needs wood to burn.<br /><br />He is the only thing that is going to sustain me in this time. <br />So, if you all don't mind praying for me, please pray for wisdom. For intimacy. For willingness to be the difference that needs to happen, as well as to speak it. Pray for unity among us at YWAM, and only speaking the best about each other. We need each other, and I'm talking about you and I. We are the body, even though we are spread through out nations. We are the body.<br /><br />My expectations do not line up with what is here. But. I know I'm supposed to be here. And God has plans.<br /><br />On a more logistical side of things, I made a video for the next dts which I mostly shot (a guy from the states named Erik shot some as well) and I completely edited. <br /><br />here it is<br /><br /><iframe src="http://player.vimeo.com/video/25123457?title=0&byline=0&portrait=0&autoplay=1" width="398" height="224" frameborder="0"></iframe><br /><br />So. Vienna awaits on Sunday. You'll more after then. <br /><br />Bis bald.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4077578958791728588.post-56704296553896386342011-03-15T20:48:00.000-07:002011-03-15T21:20:14.410-07:00ExitWhen I talk to people about going places, I get really excited.<br />When I talk to people who have passion for places, I also get really excited.<br /><br />When I talk to people who are passionate about going somewhere that is foreign to them completely, for the sake of knowing Jesus, my heart leaps.<br /><br />By nature, I'm a passionate person. <br />I mean, come on. Those who know me will testify to that. Not just in the sense of talking about Germany or missions. <br />But by how my volume rises about ten fold when I start to get excited, which is code for saying I'm really loud. <br />Too loud, most of the time. That used to be something that bothered me, because I was concerned about being heard, so I increased my volume (or so I thought). But now, I just talk and realize it's part of me. It'll probably get me in trouble someday. It might have got me in trouble today. I digress. <br /><br />Anyways. When I share a conversation with someone over coffee, and they talk about a place that they love or that the Lord has weighed on their hearts, I freak out. Part of me once believed that not many people in my generation, in my town, wanted to leave the place they grew up. Lets confess, we all like to feel comfortable. I like comfort. I like comfort foods. I used to not like change, or new things. We all are that way. <br /><br />At some point though, comfort becomes mundane. And not many of us like mundane. No one likes eating pizza everyday. Even if it's your favorite food. If you ate pizza alone for a whole month, by day four you'd be craving a big piece of broccoli or a caesar salad, or something remotely good for you. And chance is you'd never want to look at pizza again.<br /><br />Something I have passion for, is seeing people go out from where they're from, and experience God in a culturally new way.<br /><br />I love this world. I want to go everywhere. When I meet people from abroad, I want to ask them a million questions a second like:<br /><br />What is your biggest city? What is your food like there? How long have you lived there? Why in the world would you come here if you're from there?! How do you say "I need to poop" in your native tongue? (I can say it in ten languages, and counting...)<br /><br />When one leaves what is familiar and what is normal, God moves. He transforms one's heart, opens it up and reveals Himself in an incredibly new way. And I LOVE that. <br /><br />I loved meeting who God has showed Himself to be to the Germans, Mozambicans, and South Africans. And I have many, many more countries to go to, and to learn from, and see God spread His wonder and His love.<br /><br />I've been rereading Blue Like Jazz by Donald Miller the last couple of days. <br />I sincerely enjoy the way the man writes. I identify with everything he writes about. Not just because it's about spirituality or is an alternative view on Christianity or anything of that sort. It's because he tells stories. Stories about real people, and real places, and real things. I identify with people. I think most of us do, unless you're from Tattooeine (nerd spell check please) or some other planet in a galaxy far, far away. <br /><br />When a person shares a story with me about their experience in the slums of India, the remaining bits of the cities of Haiti, street ministry in the epicenter of London, or loving on kids in Columbia, I glean from every word.<br /><br />We are all connected. <br />We are all part of one body. <br />We are all brothers and sisters. <br />We are all sons and daughters.<br /><br />And to hear how the Lord has moved in your life in the area of missions brings me so much inner joy that I have to crazy things, like write really long blog posts about it, or pray for you for hours, that God will send you back to where you feel called. I feel that way a lot of the time. <br /><br />Something I have on my heart, is how to make people feel like they are part of something bigger than themselves.<br />I'm in the process of translating that in my ahead adventure.<br /><br />How do I show people that this is all bigger than me going to Germany, or them supporting me?<br />How do I make them feel apart of something that is not simple missions work, but rather as if they were with me on the streets of Berlin, meeting new friends, and discipling them?<br /><br />I don't know if it is something I can do.<br />In fact, I'm pretty sure it isn't. <br />I'm pretty sure God has to make that happen. <br />He knows the desires of our heart, right? And this is for His Kingdom, right? So why worry about it, right?<br /><br />Right. Right. And Right.<br /><br />All I can do, is love God, love what He is calling me to do, and share it with whoever will listen. <br /><br />The question is, would you like to listen?Unknownnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4077578958791728588.post-12919892867370176682011-02-25T21:06:00.001-08:002011-02-25T21:52:53.568-08:00ConversingI had a conversation with one of my best friends the other night.<br /><br />We chit chatted about normal life stuff, drank some water and coffee and ate cheap food. <br />And in the midst of this, something was brewing. Truths from both of our ends came spilling out like those cups of water we were drinking were just poured out, and kept flowing. <br /><br />My friend talked about how she felt so stuck, and apathetic about it.<br />She explained how she had tried to change it, but nothing would move her out of it. Flat lined, and unable to get up and help herself. And, being where I've been spiritually the last couple of weeks, I know how she felt to well.<br /><br />The goodness of God is an unexplainable miracle. I am amazed that the Lord picked me up out of the waterless pit that I was in. <br />And this conversation reminded me of His goodness. You see, this friend of mine isn't by any means your run of the mill Colorado Springian. No, she is one of passion, of vision, of purpose, and potential. And listening to her, and how she opened up to me and told me how she was, and how she felt like she couldn't be real or honest with anyone around her, broke me. Nearly brought me to tears in fact. Not just because she felt like she had to be insincere or guarded around the people she's around, but because I've seen this woman grow from nothing into a God-fearing woman who cannot be stopped. And hearing that she feels trapped or unable to move, resonated to deeply with me and I feel like in that moment, the Lord gave me a glimpse of what that felt like, right then and there. I know what it feels like in context to me, but in context to her, it was a very different pain.<br /><br />Earlier that day, the Lord reminded me of Ezekiel 16. <br /><br />Guys, I forget where I've come from too easily. <br />I forget that I was wallowing in my own blood that was bleeding out at rapid pace. That I was unable to save myself, and with no one else to call out to.<br /><br />I have forgotten the Lord's call to me in that moment: "Live!"<br /><br />"I said to you in your blood, 'Live!' I said to you in your blood, 'Live!'"<br /><br />I forget that just as easily as I was saved, I played the whore. <br /><br />All have wandered from the path at some point, my friends.<br />But His goodness, and unlimited mercy come to us, and restore us, and make us righteous again. <br />If we don't remember that Jesus took us out of our own blood, and put us in His just so we could be with God, then what's the point of the gospel? If we can't remember ourselves, how to we expect to explain it in a tangible and interpersonal way? <br /><br />I've seen far to many people talk about Jesus with a stone wall for a face. He's not exciting to them anymore. He's not their source of life. He's not their joy, which in the end results in Him not being their strength. <br /><br />My friend says she misses being passionate. Being a new believer, in what some would call the "honey-moon phase." <br />But I kind of want to challenge that idea, because I'm not sure if I believe in a honey-moon phase anymore. Especially with the Lord. <br /><br />My early spiritual life was a roller coaster of emotional highs and lows. Every retreat/conference I would go to pumped me up to beat sin and tell everyone I knew about Jesus, and in that moment, oh, did I love God. I was passionate. I felt whole. I felt like this is what Christianity should be, and never wanted to leave.<br /><br />And now, as I feel the Lord pushing me into a dream and a vision I've had for the last two years, I begin to realize something about those moments of tearful worship experiences and pack-a-punch sermons.<br />Even though they pushed me toward the Lord in that moment, they did little to disciple me.<br />And quite honestly, they made my walk with the Lord more about me, than they did about Jesus.<br /><br />I'm realizing this whole thing, the whole world, the whole universe, all of time, and what ever else you could think of, IS NOT ABOUT ME.<br /><br />When I say not about me, I don't think I'm talking about being the center of attention, or an antagonist in a story. When I say it's not about me, I mean it's about Jesus. Even though I'm in the story and I live this life, I have to take myself completely out of the story to see the whole picture, to let it be about Jesus. <br /><br />At least, that's what Jesus portrayed. He constantly laid Himself down for those around Him. <br />Constantly giving, constant sacrifice, constant selflessness.<br /><br />When we make it primarily about our Father, and secondly about others, some kind of supernaturally birthed passion comes alive in us. Honey-moon phases, emotional highs and lows, and everything else that would prevent us from doing the Lord's will passes. <br /><br />We formally served ourselves. Let us throw that way of living out, and live to serve God and our brothers and sisters! Oh, how the world would see Christ if we only loved each other the way Christ loves us! They would see and know, and experience the Almighty.<br /><br />Psalm 40:5<br />"You have multiplied, O Lord my God, your wondrous deeds and your thoughts toward us; none can compare to you! I will proclaim and tell of them, yet they are more than can be told."<br /><br />I don't really know how to conclude this entry, cause I feel like it may be unfinished. But for now, I will leave it at that.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4077578958791728588.post-78145389633492499462011-02-20T18:45:00.001-08:002011-02-20T19:43:13.521-08:00Can these bones live?This week will go down as one of the most revolutionary in my life.<br />A week ago, I was not the same person I am today. Somewhere in the mix of life, my hope and my faith and my love were restored.<br /><br />A handful of people told me the spark that left my eyes eight months ago had returned. Still another noticed that "what ever you were struggling with was so dark and heavy, but you are you again, and you seem so much lighter." <br /><br />Was this all because of my decision to actively pursue Germany again?<br /><br />I think it was a big part of it. Because I don't think anyone, including me, understands how deeply my soul is tied to Berlin. As a dear friend explain this last week, "Your burden for Germany is something very, very special. Its not normal."<br />Not normal in the sense of the God-installed passion, vision, and faith. <br /><br />I went to see the movie Unknown today.<br />Most of the movie was filmed in Berlin, which is 100% the reason I saw it. <br />As it began, and seeing depictions of what I have seen with my own eyes, I said to myself, "I feel right at home right now."<br />Silly, I know. <br />But there was a day in June of 2009 that I began to tell people, "I'm going to move here."<br /><br />It wasn't some fleeting feeling that dissipated because of some sort of spiritual high that comes and goes with a missions trip or church retreat. No, it was an assurance that my soul had. It was if God spoke to my soul, and explained the end, but not the means or the justification that would later take place. And, as He is faithful to His word, six months later I climbed on a plane headed back.<br /><br />But during that time, I was sorrowful. Sure, there was gladness and joy in returning to what I very much so believe to be an incredibly huge part of my life. But I was torn two ways: One limb being pulled by my community back home, and one pulled by a future that awaited me in Berlin. I very much so believe I limited myself in Germany because of how badly I wanted to be around those that had carried me to where I was.<br /><br />I believed that at the time. <br />Now, I'm not so sure.<br />You see, I can't understand God's plan in the slightest. Only He knows. <br /><br />"Son of man, can these bones live?"<br />"You know, O Lord."<br /><br />And only He knows.<br />Only He can restore what we might've missed out on, or lost. And in this season, I feel like I've lost a lot of things.<br />Vision, passion, friends, consistency, innocence, just to name a few.<br />But my GOD, is the restorer of all things that He has made. And He has made me, and I am being restored by Him.<br />Do you know why? <br />I don't. But if I were to take a stab on an answer, I would believe that He knows the plans He has. Not necessarily for me, or anyone else, but for Himself. I whole heartedly believe that I am still alive right now, because God wants me to bring Him glory here on earth.<br /><br />I know not the shape, form, or application of this. But I know its precisely why I'm breathing. No other reason.<br />And I can get intimidated by that; that can frighten me and I could do my best on my own to give Him some kind of perception of glory. But. It wouldn't make any difference if it was by me, through me, and eventually it would be for me.<br /><br />No, it is by HIM, through HIM, and for HIM. <br />He has made me His own, now I must respond to that and make Him my own.<br /><br />And in His presence, and His love, I no longer want my vices. I throw them down at His feet in fact. <br />In His presence, I want Jesus, and I want Him to solely get every piece of me, and every piece of my ability to do anything!<br /><br />Why don't we live in His presence? Why do we only acknowledge Him in church, or in the time we set aside for Him?<br />He created time! He doesn't NEED us to set a place for Him in our schedule. <br /><br />My friends, we need the Lord. <br />We could all stop breathing and still have the Lord, and still be alive, because we need Him more than any substantial form of anything on this planet.<br /><br />God is showing me how much I need Him. And friends, I am overwhelmed by it.<br />From the beginning of this week, the Lord has ordained meetings, and conversations, and opportunities that I could've never imagined. I am so, so blessed. <br /><br />A theme for me this week, which I hope to make into a pattern for the rest of my existence: I have strength sufficient for NOTHING. There is no feet I can accomplish on my own. There is no wall I can scale on my own behalf.<br /><br />It is all Christ.<br /><br />This, is, all for You. Yes, this, is, all for You. <br />You're the King of the World.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4077578958791728588.post-54353824531004583352011-02-13T20:08:00.000-08:002011-02-14T17:58:16.519-08:00ChaptersTurning pages. Again. <br /><br />I was in church yesterday, consumed with thoughts of going back to Germany. <br />The "Whens, Hows, and Whys" flooded my mind. So many questions about support, about timing, about anything and everything.<br /><br />I question myself about putting my hope in something that is not God, and if my intentions are of my flesh, or of a divine desire downloaded into me about something beyond me own mind's eye.<br /><br />So this blog is announcement. This page turns, and I must communicate what I am choosing to walk in and move into.<br />Because I know for a fact that its something bigger than me. I know its more than a simple desire to travel across the pond to a distant land that makes my heart come alive. There is something bigger than me out there. <br /><br />And the nations, Oh the Nations! They are groaning for a Bringer of Life, which is not me, but like John the Baptist, I am preparing the road in the desert. I am called to make paths straight and new again.<br /><br />I could talk about Germany for hours. Days, even.<br />And being away from there, feels like I'm missing half of a vital organ, or a whole limb. My body and soul don't know how to operate when I'm not there, among the history that changed the world, among the trees and bridges, among the trains, among the heart break, among the culture, and among a people for which my heart wrought itself open. <br /><br />And now, the time has come to revisit the things the Lord has spoken. To relearn His love for a country, not my own. To rediscover His affections for me. To remember and to relive. <br /><br />With prayer and support from others, I am overjoyed to say that I am going to start the process to make a return to Berlin in July, to staff with YWAM and minister love to the people of Berlin. <br /><br />I will keep updating this blog. And keep everyone posted through here, facebook, twitter and email. <br />You all stir my affections for Christ, and I am so thankful for the support I've gathered from everyone around me.<br />Without you, these desires would only be desires, instead of movements and actions.<br /><br />To Christ, be all glory and honor, and praise. Forever, and ever.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4077578958791728588.post-1475457895959887652011-02-09T15:20:00.000-08:002011-02-09T15:44:31.234-08:00More thoughtlife.I had lunch today with a Clay Ross, pastor of Grassroots church that meets in the city auditorium downtown. <br />I honestly didn't know what to expect.<br /><br />I've never had a pastor ask to have coffee with me, especially since I've only been to Grassroots once. <br />It's usually me, asking the pastor to coffee, over some life situation like trying to decide if I should've done YWAM or not. You know, something big. <br />But this was more casual than that. This was more like, "hey, I want to get to know you." <br />And even though there was little on my end, at least I felt like, I really enjoyed listening to him talk about life and people he knows, and learn about all the areas of influence grassroots has its hands on.<br /><br />I really like that they're downtown.<br />I really like that their focus is downtown.<br />I really like they have a heart for trafficking, for the homeless, and in general, a heart for people.<br /><br />And I see that in Clay.<br /><br />Maybe that's why I enjoyed listening to him so much, cause from the sound of it, me and him might have more in common than I originally thought.<br /><br />People are on the mind. <br /><br />So we'll see what happens. I would love to get involved and just jump in, somewhere. Anywhere.<br /><br />I'm ready to move on. I'm ready to walk through the next door. At least I think I'm ready.<br />I am, at best, increasingly hasty. I live that way. <br />I like to make quick decisions, and then change my mind. <br />And with big decisions, I make them. And doubt, and doubt, and doubt. <br /><br />At this point, I'm ready to do something besides work, sleep, and play Call of Duty. Cause this life is dull.<br /><br />I'm ready for adventure again. For something new. Something involving pioneering. Something with Germany.<br />I think people at this point want me to get over it. <br />I've had people tell me to get over it. <br /><br />But I can't. <br />No matter how hard I try. <br />Maybe it's cause I know that I'm going back?<br /><br />Well. <br />Then.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4077578958791728588.post-20592080285794713612011-02-07T10:32:00.000-08:002011-02-07T11:53:40.136-08:00SilenceIt's been awhile.<br /><br />A long time since I've written anything publicly. I feel like I've been in hiding, trying to get away from my current state of being, and doing so through not communicating my thoughts to almost anyone.<br /><br />Living recluse is not something I quite enjoy, but I may have been an unintentional vessel of it. Slowly drifting away from the people around me, including the Almighty. And it really is a drift, not a quickened running pace. It's not something I wanted to happen, it's something I allowed to happen. I didn't hold on to what the Almighty had given me. I held it as loosely in my hand as a child holds a balloon. <br /><br />And when I let go of that string, I just watched. <br /><br />I just watched. <br /><br />I've been smoking for almost 6 months now. <br />I battle pornography everyday.<br /><br />And on my most wretched of days, I feel the Lord's grace the most. <br />No matter how hard I run, He always, always grabs me and pulls me back. <br /><br />And it's time for this soul to return home. <br />To throw down my vices that keep me from, and return to the embrace of the Almighty. <br /><br />If you're reading this, I probably owe you an apology. I've let many down. I've become things I said I would never become. <br />But know, I'm on the road back to where I started. <br /><br />Hear me, when I say that no vices is worth the price of pleasure that you have to pay.<br />I can say that now. I didn't know, and it was something I had to experience.<br />But now, I can say that I am wretched. I was born in the muck and mire.<br />And now, I can say that above all, this is all for Christ. There is no fulfillment elsewhere. <br /><br />He is the reason we exist. <br />For His name.<br /><br />I am battling on, and there is no over-night fix. <br />I haven't quit smoking yet. <br />But He is greater than my struggle. <br /><br />Pray for me brothers and sisters. <br />I need the grace of Christ, and your grace all the same right now.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4077578958791728588.post-52577876583457281662010-04-16T12:19:00.000-07:002010-04-16T13:22:35.636-07:00Contrite.I don't have anything to give.<br />Nothing to offer. Nothing to show for. <br />But I try to prove I do.<br />I would love for you to believe I can make a difference in the world. <br />That I have the power to overcome my sin and depravity.<br />I wish I could.<br /><br /><br />Oh God, what gift can I bring that you haven't already given me?<br />I am so envious of what everyone else has, and its stopped You from getting to me. <br />I want what you've given them. The words, the people, the clothes, the hair, the personality. The likeability. <br />I want words of man. Ones that don't last.<br /><br />Why does my heart want these things. <br /><br />God. I'm so sorry. <br />I have no words to describe what my heart feels, but you know.<br />You know the pain within me. The wrestling. But its so much more than that.<br />Oh God, my spirit groans to be clothed with heaven's splendor and forget this world and its pains and blows.<br /><br />I have nothing to bring You.<br /><br />But a life battered and broken. Tattered and torn. <br />Ripped and shredded.<br /><br />Oh God, when you found me, I was wallowing in my blood.<br />I was in imminent death. Life kept slowly bleeding out. More and more.<br /><br />And when I heard your voice. <br />I didn't think it would've come with the power that it did. <br />But my life couldn't stay in this promise of destruction.<br />You had something else in mind.<br /><br />Oh death, where is thy sting?<br />Jesus Christ has laid you to rest. <br />He has conquered the grave and forced sin to submit. <br />Freedom for those who have been so robbed of it.<br /><br />If we all took a step back to see who we are without Christ, we would all melt with the fear of God and the anticipation of judgement.<br /><br />Jesus, what did you really do for me 2000 years ago?<br />Because I just don't get it.<br />Not yet.<br />Because I know, if I really got it, I wouldn't be living like this.<br /><br />I'm so jealous of the way other people have experienced You. <br />And I feel like I've only scratched the surface. <br />I'm obviously more spiritual than them. Doesn't that mean I should be encountering You more than them?<br /><br />Or is that completely wrong?<br />And in fact, is that mentality the one that drives you further and further from me?<br /><br />I mean, God, look at me.<br />I don't do things like the wordly. <br />I don't have one night stands. I don't take drugs. I don't get drunk. I don't kill. I don't rob. I don't. I don't. I don't...<br />Doesn't that make me worth something in your eyes?<br />Doesn't that give me value?<br />I mean, common. I'm doing a Discipleship TRAINING School. Which is only meant for the most spiritual of the spiritual. <br />And in a place surrounded by unholiness and needs for You, or me.<br /><br />I think I'm still capable of these things. <br />I infact, am able.<br /><br />But God, you know what?<br />I think I'm sick of being overwhelmed by the weight of my sin.<br />Its no longer my burden to carry.<br /><br />Its time to repent, and move on. Having my fixed on You, Jesus, pressing on to make this faith my own. <br />'Cause Jesus, You made me Yours. <br /><br />You are jealous for me in a way I can't understand.<br />If Jesus, being Your one and only real Son, couldn't do anything without You,<br />how can I, a product of adoption, expect to be able to put my pants on every morning without You?<br /><br />I don't understand my sin.<br />Because it just doesn't make any freaking sense.<br /><br />God, I've got so many questions.<br />And I know you've got the answers.<br />But, I want to lay these aside, because I know along the way, You'll answer these questions.<br />I will lack nothing I need.<br /><br />I just can't really get over You right now.<br />I can't stop writing.<br /><br />God, I don't want to be better than anyone anymore. I don't want to try for that.<br />I don't want to prove myself anymore.<br />I don't want to want what others have anymore.<br /><br />I want to enjoy what I'm given.<br />You don't have favorites. You love your children all equal.<br />And I think for the first time, I'm ready to accept that.<br /><br />This brings all new meaning to my life.<br />I'm pretty sure.<br /><br />Friends.<br />This is my last writing for a couple months <br />Its something I needed to write. <br />Pray for us while we're in Mozambique and South Africa. <br />We need it.<br />And we are nothing great at all. Nothing.<br />But God has plans for His people.<br />And we are His people.<br />We'll see things happen because the Lord wills it. <br />Not because of something we are.<br />Africa will kill my envy. My pride. My sin.<br />Time to be refined.<br /><br />I bid you all a pleasant two months.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4077578958791728588.post-29945874231664838862010-04-06T06:00:00.000-07:002010-04-08T23:23:53.291-07:00things you don't wanna see.I left the Springs three months ago, more excited about Berlin than about outreach.<br />Berlin was the only thing I could think about.<br />And now. My time left in Berlin is almost over. Less than two weeks left.<br />I cannot believe its here already. Its almost like us students are begging God for more time. <br />We don't feel like we've grown. We know we have, but we can't see it. yet.<br />I left home 12 weeks ago with a message from the Lord about outreach.<br /><br />"Taylor, you're going to see things on outreach that you don't want to see. That no one wants to see. But no matter what, do not fear. Even when you want to be afraid. Do not fear."<br /><br />Never in my life did I think this would be in Africa. <br />Or that I would be a missionary in such a place. A dark, hard, beautiful mesh of land.<br />We all hear about the troubles that Africa has experienced. <br /><br />Orphans. AIDS. Widows. War. Child soldiers. and the like...<br /><br />I've always heard that the "real" missionaries go to Africa. And personally, I never had the desire. I thought so many times, "I hate how everyone just goes to Africa and ignores the other places on earth." Which I still agree with, but my heart was hard because of all the suffering in Africa that had been exposed to me. <br />There is great need in this place.<br /><br />So many people dying.<br />So many people sick.<br />So many people hurt.<br />So many people.<br /><br />People who know brokenness. <br />People who know death. <br />People who know evil. <br />People who know injustice.<br /><br />The least of these.<br />The scum of the earth. <br />The place that everyone all over the world looks upon, and expresses pity. <br /><br />This is unreal. And I'm not only going to see this. I'm going to experience it. 12 weeks among a people who have the most incredible stories ever told, and many of them are only 1/3 of my age. They've lost it all. And its not like that had much to begin with. But they have nothing. <br /><br /><br />And what can I, a westerner with a simple desire to know God, do to help these people?<br /><br />Nothing.<br />Just as Jesus could do nothing by Himself (John 5:30).<br /><br />You see, when I found out we were going to Mozambique and South Africa, something in my heart changed.<br />An anticipation filled my heart. Excitement. Eagerness. <br />A readiness. <br /><br />In 10 days, I fly out of Frankfurt, to Qatar, to Johannesburg. Then by bus to Maputo. <br /><br />This is crazy, I am only an 18 year old punk who got of high school almost a year ago (its almost already been a year?!). <br />Why am I doing this? HOW am I doing this?<br />I can't describe the incredible awe of God's grace in this situation.<br /><br />But I know I have purpose and mission there. <br />And by the grace of God, I am what I am.<br />I'm going to see things I don't want to see.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4077578958791728588.post-55047359953655499662010-04-05T07:37:00.000-07:002010-04-05T08:42:57.165-07:00Movement II.My own words judge me. <br />I just read my own blog. Movement.<br />And. I don't know to say it in any other way, than those words were a seed choked in my own heart.<br /><br />God, in all His tenderness and affection, again, is telling me to slow down. <br />Praise God for His steadfast love. It endures forever. It overcomes our mistakes, and reaches us.<br /><br />There is no condemnation for those who are in Christ. <br />And this includes self-condemnation. <br />It must end here. <br /><br />"Today if you hear His voice, do not harden your' hearts, as you did in the rebellion."<br />Hebrews 3-4. <br />This is written three times in these two passages.<br />Unbelievable. <br />I hear that, in Hebrew (even though this was written in Greek), when something is written three times, it implies extreme emphasis. <br /><br />Its time to hold fast to the word of the Lord. <br /><br />We had a speaker this week, who was incredible. She talked about prayer, the Trinity, salvation and quite a few other things. <br />For me, specifically. She said, "Taylor. You need to stop looking down. You need to stop focussing on you. Look up. Look at Jesus." <br /><br />During one of our sessions, she began to talk about how the move of God, is movement.<br />God moves at just the right time. But, the movement of the Spirit, is one that comes to us and returns back inside the Trinity. God. Meaning God is making us one with Him. <br /><br />We talked about holiness a lot this week. Letting the fullness of God dwell in us, like Paul prays in Ephesians 3:19. <br />Christ had the fullness of God. Colossians 1:19 says it was pleased to be within Him.<br />Looks like that same fullness of God, is able to dwell in us. <br /><br />What?<br /><br />Yeah, I just said that. <br />God, in His FULLNESS, can dwell in us. We can be holy here and now.<br /><br />But this blog isn't about holiness. <br /><br />Its about slowing down. <br /><br />Its about resting. Its about enjoying God. Enjoying your life with Him.<br /><br />I'm guilty of making God a task, like cleaning a toilet. <br />I'm guilty of making relationship obligation.<br />I'm guilty of believing lies about the character of God.<br /><br />God moves. He breathes. He brings rest. He does stuff.<br />But He also rests. <br /><br />I see how people get burned out. And if I didn't have people in my life (even showing me more so, the importance of community), I would be headed there again. <br />But because I know people who care for me, and know me and know God. God is able to speak through them, when I don't pay attention to Him.<br />I'm also guilty of grieving the Holy Spirit. <br /><br />Hebrews 3:7-4:13 is a passage that talks about the Israelites, and how they, in the place of testing, ignored God. <br />Do not harden your hearts.<br />As you once did. <br />This is another chance. Another test.<br />Do not harden your hearts, if you hear Him.<br />Don't believe you don't hear Him. <br />Don't ignore the smallest whisper which, in your mind, can barely be hard.<br />If you hear His voice, do not harden your hearts. <br /><br />Its in hearing His voice, not listening to it through one's own hardness, and acting in disobedience that the writter of Hebrews describes. They couldn't enter the rest of God because of unbelief.<br />And if man could've given them rest, aka Joshua, God wouldn't have said to them "Today,..." implying another time. <br />He brings rest. <br /><br />I'm not talking about being a work-a-holic. <br />I'm talking about life with God.<br /><br />How many of us are guilty of saying,<br />"I'll read three chapters of this book of the Bible, pray for this long, and 'God-time' is over." <br />Many. But we all know, that isn't relationship.<br />Relationship says, <br />"I'll go hang out with this person at this time. And we'll hang out till we're done."<br />Sure, there are time limits. But that freedom we give our time with people, we need to give to God.<br /><br />And God lives outside of those God-times. <br />He is living, breathing. We can't compartmentalize Him. <br /><br />And you know what. <br />I'm done saying what we can do, and can't do. Those are destined to parish with use. <br /><br />Its time to explore relationship with God in freedom. Free for freedom's sake. <br />It is time to fix our eyes on the founder and PERFECTER of our faith. <br />Steadfastly. <br /><br />I'm done looking at what I'm doing wrong, because when I fix my eyes on Jesus, what I'm doing wrong has no power or authority. I'm attracted to that, which makes me who I really am.<br /><br />Slowing down enough to hear the voice of God.<br />To recognize it. To grow familiar with it.<br /><br />Today, if you hear His voice. Do not harden your hearts. <br />And encourage each other, holding one another accountable, as long as it is called "Today." <br />So that none of us may be hardened by the deceitfulness of sin. <br />We know Christ, if we hold fast to this, till the end.<br />Finish the race with me friends.<br /><br />We can't do this alone.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4077578958791728588.post-7334820267086913422010-03-24T23:51:00.000-07:002010-03-25T00:21:10.840-07:00Quench.I know a lot of people complain about how we live in a consuming culture and how its time to change that. I'm sick of hearing it, as well as saying it. But I think I'm sick of hearing it because its true. The West is made to consume. To take in. To experience. To find satisfaction in anything and everything.<br /><br />For awhile now, I've felt slightly distant from God. And when I say slightly, I mean slightly in the sense to sound like I'm still doing ok, when I'm not. I feel like my prayers are hindered. My worship is invalid. The scriptures I read are bland. Everythings becoming less enjoyable in my walk.<br /><br />And yes, we could down the road that says, "Taylor, keep pushing regardless of how you feel. We don't pursue God because how it makes us feel."<br /><br />I wish I could say thats true. But I'm kind of sick of living a lie. <br />Because lets face it folks. If God's presence did make us feel complete, why would we seek Him? <br /><br />If something about God didn't satisfy every desire in us, why would we even try to find Him out?<br /><br />We wouldn't.<br /><br />I've heard the question, "If you never encountered God again for the rest of your life, and had to rely on your knowledge of the Bible and your previous encounters with Him in order to seek Him, would you still seek Him?"<br /><br />Everyone jumps to that questions, shouting "Yes! Of course!"<br /><br />However friends, I cannot say that. <br />If I never experienced God after today, and had to rely on myself, that isn't much of a relationship with God. My hope that I put in God cannot transfer to my knowledge. I would no longer pursue the Lord. Because in fact, if the presence of God isn't something that validates everything we believe, than what is it? <br /><br />God knows every desire in us. He put them in us Himself. <br /><br />I'm convinced many of us, including me, have fallen into the lie that God cannot satisfy those desires. Whether they be physical or relational or whatever.<br /><br />I believed for so long that God could not meet my needs in that sense. Sure, God can provide the physical, but as far as emotional and relational needs? Nope. Because, I mean, if I really believed that, I think I would be seeking my satisfaction in Him more and more and harder and harder. But if He can't meet them, then that's ok. I still love God. I still worship Him. I just make idols to fill my needs in those aspects, but God can have the rest. <br /><br />I'm starting to sound like Cain: giving whats left to God.<br /><br />But dudes. Look. God is relationship. Trinity. HE is the definition of companionship. Friendship with Him is glorious. Its what we're made for. <br />God made us to glorify Him. That is our single purpose. And guess what.<br /><br />We get satisfaction in it. <br /><br />We have idols. Friends. Food. Future spouses. Churches. Jobs. Governments. HEALTH CARE SYSTEMS. Cars. Houses.<br />We're living blind, friends. God is calling us to through them down, and seek Him fully. <br />We've heard the idol talk so many times. But I'm convinced, that if we aren't searching for God like we would for silver and gold, if we are always feeling unsettled and look for satisfaction in other sources when we know we should be seeking God, and we feel guilt accordingly, we still have idols. <br /><br />Ezekiel 16. <br />The faithless bride we are. I can't imagine how I break God's heart. <br />Deuteronomy 8. <br />We must remember to thank God for what He has given us, or we forget Him and make ourselves idols.<br />Proverbs 27:20. <br />We will find ourselves never satisfied with addictions and idols, because death and destruction are never quenched. The grave has a mighty appetite. <br /><br />Deuteronomy 4:28-30. <br />"And there you will serve gods of wood and stone, the work of human hands, that neither see, nor hear, nor eat, nor smell. But from there you will seek the Lord your God, and you will find Him if you search after Him with all your heart and with all your soul." <br /><br />Its time to give God all He deserves. <br />Time to stop robbing Him of us.<br />Because Jesus paid the price for us. <br />Stop consuming. Start being thankful regardless of what you have.<br />And if nothing material, you still have God. And He, my friends, is more than enough.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4077578958791728588.post-64996790826944393042010-03-17T11:50:00.000-07:002010-03-17T12:13:00.960-07:00Genuine.I could write about a lot of things right now.<br />A lot of things. <br /><br />But I feel there is something I need to confess. And to say.<br /><br />To the women. Not girls.<br />I know nothing has ceased me, accept what is common to everyone else. But in that, repentance must still be made. No excuses this time. I have to own up to my responsibility. And, to return to you the honor and dignity that has been stolen, I for one will decide to no longer keep in this rut. I’m under grace now, and the bar has been raised. Therefore I shall take hold off the self-control necessary, that Christ gave me, to keep my eyes on your eyes, and not on your body. <br />To my sisters in the Body. And those whom I may not be united with in Christ, but are still loved by the same Father. I have something very sincere I must say.<br /><br />I am sorry. From the bottom, of my heart. <br /><br />I have failed you. I have treated you like you are all object. Mere tools of pleasure. My heart has lusted after you. The God-given desire in me, for physical intimacy, I allowed to take over. My heart hasn’t waited. <br /><br />Forgive me. I desire to clear this so I may worship the Lord. In purity.<br />I need your forgiveness. <br />I have not defended you like you deserve. Like royalty, willing to die to protect against all attacks physical, mental, emotional, verbal and spiritual. I have not acting in such love, of laying my life down. But the Lord says you are worthy of such honors. And I say, I shall no longer be on the opposite side, waiting for another opportunity to please the nature. <br /><br />Rather, treating you, my sisters, with absolute purity. Encouraging you. Recognizing your potential in the Kingdom. You are beautiful. And not just physically. The Lord has opened my eyes to see the beauty on the inside that we say we all really want, but its lies. The Lord is the only one who can open the eyes of your heart to see such wonder. <br />For now on, madams, you are respected, dignified and honored in my eyes.<br /><br />To the one whom the Lord has given me, if she, being the grace and that she is, exists.<br />Forgive me for not keeping completely pure. For not giving you all of myself. For letting my heart wander for other men’s wives. I am an adulterer in nature. I am unfaithful to you. I plead your forgiveness. Because, you mean everything to me, and I don’t even know you yet. But to know that the Lord has given you to me, reminds me of how good He is. You already reflect His defining characteristics. You are whom I desire to give the rest of me too. Only you. No one else. No other woman can become you. I desire you. Because He made us for each other. But. I’ve been unfaithful and don’t deserve you. And if you didn’t even forgive me, I would understand. But this is my apology. <br /><br />Lord, thank you for your great grace. Bless these women, for undergoing so much misconduct. Restore them. Take them out of those avenues, and bring them home. Home to your loving arms. To where love is not earned, but freely given. Just like royalty. <br /><br />To the guys. <br /><br />Dudes. Brothers. We need to step things up.<br />We've let our views of woman be polluted by culture.<br />So many things in our culture telling us and showing us that women are merely here to please us.<br />Pornography says so. Masturbation says so. Cheap relationships say so. Media says so.<br />And we all struggle with these. We all do.<br />But men. We need to come to our senses. These girls, yes, even the ones that sell themselves on the streets or to a camera, are daughters of the King. They have enough men treating them like a sex object.<br /><br />Now is our time.<br />A time to respect our sisters. <br />To love them with an unconditional love.<br />To serve them, like the princesses they are. <br />And maybe, by being Jesus in purity to them, we can change what the culture says they are, what the culture says we are.<br /><br />We are men of dignity. <br />And we cannot be united with the adulteress any longer.<br />She has been on her corner waiting for us, and we've been naively going along with lust for far too long.<br />No longer. To throw off these things that hinder us. To have self-control. <br />I, myself have succumb to these things, and am all to familiar with them. <br />But because God is showing me who I am, and who He is, I will not tolerate my nature anymore. <br />No longer will I offer the parts of my body as slaves to sin. I am, a slave a righteousness. A slave of purity. <br /><br /><br />We were bought with a price. 1 Corinthians 6:18-20.<br /><br />Now is the time. <br /><br />We are the body. Together. Its time to love like brothers and sisters. Coheirs, together. <br />We are made for each other. For God.<br />We cannot keep the pollution any longer.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4077578958791728588.post-46982481706311516532010-03-05T01:42:00.000-08:002010-03-05T02:49:21.425-08:00Bekannt.There is something deep inside me. Something that wants someone to notice the littlest things about me. To pay full attention to me. To really understand me. Not just partially, but fully. Completely. Understand my intentions. My expectations. The slightest habits I have. How I drink my coffee, my sleeping patterns, my mourning routine.<br /><br />I know that no one can fill that desire.<br />and its unfair for me to expect anyone too.<br /><br />But I desire to be known. <br />Not in a famous sort of way. <br /><br />In an intimate friendship where nothing is hidden sort of way. <br /><br />No one, not even a spouse, can fill that desire. <br /><br />Psalm 139.<br /><br />O Lord, you have searched me and known me!<br /><br />Jeremiah 1:5<br /><br />Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, and before you were born I consecrated you; I appointed you a prophet to the nations.<br /><br />Before anything. Before Adam, the garden, the fall, and even light, God knew what your favorite color would be. He knew what your favorite song would be. He knew how many showers you would take over the span of your life. The places you'd go. The car accidents you'd have. The friends who would influence you the most. The color of your first car (and for some odd cases, what you would spray pant on that car...). The moments in your life when you felt the most alive. The times where you felt completely alone and abandoned. Your favorite weather setting. Your style of clothes. The way you would come to Him. How the color of your eyes would change from blue to hazel. How you would break your arm when you were 8. What mentor would influence you the most. Your first job. Your first speeding ticket. How many pairs of socks you had at age 16. That your greatest fear is being forgotten. That you only wear Chucks. That you would play the guitar. That you hate wearing watches. That you would move to Germany in January of 2010. <br /><br />He knew it all. <br />Everything. Everything. <br /><br />Through Him knowing us, He must always be with us. Experience things with us. <br />David says in verse 7 of Ps 139, "Where shall I go from your Spirit? Or where shall I flee from your presence?" and in verse 9-10, "If I take the wings of the morning and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea, even there your hand shall lead me, and your right hand shall hold me." <br /><br />Even in the depths of the storm. God is with us.<br />He knows our reaction to trial.<br /><br />And He is with us, to calm us. To carry us.<br /><br />Er ist immer mit uns. Für immer bleibt Er mit uns. <br />Nie zu weggehen. <br /><br />Wir sind ganz bekannt. <br /><br />Und das ist meine Gedanke für heute. Ich hoffe du hast es genossen.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4077578958791728588.post-47535517775749814312010-02-22T05:08:00.000-08:002010-02-22T06:08:57.683-08:00Movement.This has been a long time coming. <div><br /></div><div>The last few weeks have been a whirlwind. Busy and packed and tiring. And in that process of being busy from waking up to going to bed, God really gets to you. God gets to show you, who you really are. </div><div><br /></div><div>I had little time to process. A lot of the time, I felt like breaking down. So frustrated with myself. Not spending time with the Lord. Keep going and going and going. </div><div><br /></div><div>One of my roommates said something to me one day that really through me for a loop. </div><div>"You're always, going. You never stop." </div><div><br /></div><div>Yes, I know that. Life's busy. I have to go quickly. I have to do everything quickly. I haven't time to waste, after all, time is a gift from the Lord and I want to be a good steward. I don't have time to sit down and waste time looking at the trees and admiring how people walk, or to be appreciative...</div><div><br /></div><div>And that is where I had to step back. </div><div><br /></div><div>Thinking about patterns and habits and how I live. I try to hurry in everything. In the way I walk, the way I eat, the way I sleep even. Very American of me, but I think I have a special case.</div><div><br /></div><div>I'll pick that theory back up in a second. </div><div><br /></div><div>But I must add a story that adds in.</div><div><br /></div><div>One day, we were having sports on one Thursday. I don't like sports. I have woundings from sports. I've never been 'good enough' for sports. So we were going for a run. And it was freezing outside. Its hard for me to run in the cold and I get sick really easily from running in the cold. So I end up walking after trying to run, and was so frustrated. I was telling God all this.</div><div><br /></div><div>You see, I have many areas in my life where I've given up. Tried, failed, and given up. Sports was one of them. Music, another. Most recently, German. And sometimes, I even feel like that with God. </div><div><br /></div><div>I was being the clay that asks the Potter, "Why have you made me like this? Why can't I get past this certain area? Why can't my ability in anything grow past amateur?"</div><div><br /></div><div>I've questioned my salvation a lot these last 3 weeks. I'm not sure if thats good or bad. Maybe both. Regardless, when circumstances around you, make you evaluate how you live and who you are, I think its a great chance for improvement. Especially when it comes to how we look at God. </div><div><br /></div><div>I was trying to take the fast track, everywhere. Especially with God. And He has continually said to me, "Be still. Wait on me. Wait on God." In scripture, through people, in mundane areas of life. </div><div><br /></div><div>There isn't a fast way to wait on God. </div><div><br /></div><div>God is in the heavens, and He does as He pleases. </div><div>That doesn't mean we'll all be waiting on God for 5 days before He speaks. I think people think God will talk to us only if we do extremes like that. Or if we go to places like China where its illegal to be a Christian. I think God wants to talk to all of us. Really talk. We can hear His voice. Moses talked with God like a friend, says Exodus 33:11. Why can't we? "God doesn't work like that anymore." I don't believe that. And even if I did, why not? God doesn't change. </div><div><br /></div><div>I believe, if we slowed down for enough time to appreciate God, and not that simple "Thanks for the sun God!" as we're driving to work, but really reflect on what God has given us and see how He loves us in what He has given us, then we would realize how often God DOES talk to us like Moses. </div><div><br /></div><div>"God, why have you made me like this?"</div><div>and because I said that to God, the Lord, because of His mercy, showed me why I had failed in these areas.</div><div><br /></div><div>I am impatient. </div><div>I did not want to take the time and use the effort to really do what was necessary to increase my ability. In every area. Sports, music, German, God. </div><div>And I get wounded from these things. Because I expect them all to be something they can't be. Wisdom would say something around one cannot become an adult within one years life span. </div><div>We have to learn the lessons along the way of growing. Sounds like a lame Chinese proverb. But I think its the truth.</div><div><br /></div><div>I don't appreciate things the way they should be appreciated. I hate that. I want to look at a scene scape, I want to see it the way the Lord does. If the whole earth is full of His glory, shouldn't we pause more often and look at it in depth? </div><div><br /></div><div>In my speed, I've also seen that I don't really trust people. I'm controlling. </div><div>People wont get stuff done the way I want, when I want, so I have to do it myself or micromanage them. I do the same, in fact with God.</div><div><br /></div><div>What a wicked person I am.</div><div>To try and manipulate and control God.</div><div>Pride. I think I can do things better than the definition of Creator. I can't be better than the Best. Sorry self. </div><div><br /></div><div>Truth slap, after truth slap. </div><div><br /></div><div>I had no clue how to change these areas. I felt stuck. Hopeless. And because there is a spirit of hopelessness that resides in Berlin, it was overwhelming at times. </div><div><br /></div><div>This last weekend, we as the students here, decided we wanted to pray and fast continually for 24 hours. We aren't that spiritual, dudes. We just felt like we needed to do something together, the 9 of us. </div><div><br /></div><div>We had shifts of 1 hour. From 10pm-6am we had two people at least to keep each other from falling asleep. </div><div><br /></div><div>The Lord showed me something, like He always does. </div><div>Every time we walked in the room. We started praying. Every single time, that hour, felt like 5 minutes. Every time. </div><div><br /></div><div>And the Lord took me to 2 Peter. </div><div>3:8-9</div><div>But do not forget this one thing, dear friends: With the Lord a day is like a thousand years, and a thousand years are like a day. The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise, as some understand slowness. He is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance.</div><div><br /></div><div>God is patient with me. Through my transgressions, iniquities and sins. Forgiveness is constantly given to me. </div><div><br /></div><div>Why shouldn't I be patient with God? </div><div>Why shouldn't I go wait before God for hours upon hours?</div><div><br /></div><div>There is no reason.</div><div>Our flesh fights every time we go to God. Every time. </div><div>Something deep inside me hates it when I pray. </div><div>Thats the nature folks. </div><div>We still live here, in this fallen world.</div><div><br /></div><div>And fallen are we. </div><div><br /></div><div>I had to repent of my movement.</div><div><br /></div><div>I'd encourage you, my friends. Give God time to speak. And repent for not appreciating everything He's given. He is a good, faithful, and forgiving God. </div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4077578958791728588.post-72660093526746641382010-01-28T05:28:00.000-08:002010-01-28T06:13:32.766-08:00City.God, really isn't difficult.<div>God, really isn't hard to understand in the concept of getting to know Him.</div><div><br /></div><div>But we make it that way.</div><div><br /></div><div>Things are getting settled here. We're having orientation week, having some basic courses on stuff like intimacy with God, intercession, and evangelism and the like. I've been reminded of a lot of things I've let slip from my mind. Thank you, Jesus, for reminding me off them. </div><div><br /></div><div>I've missed home.</div><div>More than I should I think. </div><div>There have been times I've been dying just to speak with people back home.</div><div>I thought about pulling onto Briargate Pkwy from my house, and missed it. I wanted to do that.</div><div>I've missed singing in my car, driving with the windows down. </div><div>I've missed boba. </div><div>I've missed Starbucks, interacting with people and drinking coffee all the time (I still do that). </div><div>I've missed ice. How I long for really, REALLY cold mountain springs fresh water.</div><div><br /></div><div>And do you know what keeps coming to mind?</div><div>Philippines 3:7-10.</div><div><br /></div><div>I keep hearing God say, "count it loss."</div><div>"Count it loss compared to knowing me here. In this city. In Berlin, Germany. Count it loss. " </div><div><br /></div><div>God, what about the people I love with all of my being? I miss them and I don't know if I can go on without them.</div><div><br /></div><div>"Count it loss."</div><div><br /></div><div>What else am I living for, I mean really.</div><div>Wife. Kids. Job? People? </div><div>This life is so, not worth it. </div><div><br /></div><div>Count it loss. </div><div><br /></div><div>This city. Where I'm at. Sooooo much has happened here.</div><div>More than just a wall being built to divide the city.</div><div>More than just hatred and angst towards people groups.</div><div><br /></div><div>This city has known pain, far better than most other places all over the globe.</div><div>I heard it said today that, 7 out of 10 women in Berlin had been raped multiple times during WWII. Thats 70% of the population of females. In a city of probably around 2 million people. </div><div>Thats ridiculous. </div><div><br /></div><div>Thats just one fact. I heard that 120,000 jews used to live in Berlin before WWII.</div><div>After. Maybe 5,000.</div><div><br /></div><div>This city, is a mini-scale of Europe. </div><div>There are about 210 countries in the world. </div><div>Berlin has original peoples from around 160 of them.</div><div>160 nations represented, and so many haven't ever heard of Jesus.</div><div><br /></div><div>Guys, this is going to be huge. The Lord wants to really pour out on this city, and as He does, these people will bring it back with them. </div><div>And.</div><div>Nation, by nation will see Jesus.</div><div><br /></div><div>SO much potential to see so much change. </div><div>I've received vision for it, the staff here feels very very very very similar.</div><div>And I'm more concerned about missing people back home?</div><div>Staying on skype instead of staying in prayer?</div><div>Waring for internet connection instead of waring for souls?</div><div><br /></div><div>Such sin.</div><div>And I kept running from my purposes here. </div><div><br /></div><div>I once was praying for Berlin. And the words "Lord, let Berlin be a Nineveh that once her sin is shown her, she can't help but run too you and repent!" just came out of my mouth. I felt that was the Spirit talking. </div><div><br /></div><div>I believe that, if Berlin is Nineveh, I must surely be Jonah.</div><div>I have many Tarshishs I've been running too.</div><div>Many areas where my time is taken from me. </div><div>And I'm not living up to my calling here.</div><div><br /></div><div>And I tell you something.</div><div>Thats as scary as hell to me. That I would do that here. </div><div>Who am I to refuse God.</div><div><br /></div><div>I think thats the thing about sin. Sin robs us of pleasure. God will still bless us, regardless of sin. But, instead of being able to really rejoice and thank God for what we've been given, we feel guilt and shame. Sin robs us of the pleasure of rejoicing with God. </div><div><br /></div><div>I've been so worried about people around me, and impatient and hoping that I would be able to bond with them right away. </div><div>And in my impatient frustration, I've set my expectations too high. </div><div><br /></div><div>I was praying last night, asking God for help and how can I do this. </div><div>I was reminded of 1 Chronicles 28:20-21</div><div>You should read the whole chapter.</div><div><br /></div><div>Then David said to Solomon his son, "Be strong and courageous and do it. Do not be afraid and do not be dismayed, for the LORD God, even my God, is with you. He will not leave you or forsake you, until all the work for the service of the house of the Lord is finished. And behold the divisions of the priests and the Levites for all the service of the house of God; and with you in all the work will be every willing man who has skill for any kind of service; also the officers and all the people will be wholly at your command."</div><div><br /></div><div>People skilled in any and everything will be with you.</div><div>God's provided just the right people for me.</div><div><br /></div><div>I think there is a lot of pride in anxiety. </div><div>thinking that we could do it better and not trusting God to do it the right way.</div><div>But. I'm a prideful selfish man. </div><div><br /></div><div>Thank God for His grace and mercy on me. </div><div>He is so beyond good to me. </div><div><br /></div><div>We need your prayers over here folks.</div><div>Intercede for Berlin. For Germany.</div><div>For the people.</div><div>Pray Jesus revealed. Pray the pain would be met with comfort and gentleness.</div><div><br /></div><div>I think we're all going to be part of this, in one form or another. Not just me. </div><div><br /></div><div>God, really loves me. </div><div>And I want to wear Psalms 42. </div><div>Not searching for time to be on my computer. </div><div>Searching for time to fill up praying. Knowing God. Learning His heart.</div><div><br /></div><div>Jesus is all we have, fellow children.</div><div>I will not pretend to have anything else that matters anymore. </div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4077578958791728588.post-76880865475366261752010-01-20T06:05:00.000-08:002010-01-20T07:16:33.150-08:00Ich habe heute mich gefunden.I remember.<div>I remember what I loved about this city.</div><div>I remember the burden the Lord laid on my heart.</div><div><br /></div><div>I found myself today. </div><div><br /></div><div>Ich vermisse jeder, aber muss ich weiter ohne sie. </div><div>Und ich weiß nicht warum bin ich hier, aber Gott weißt, und nur er. </div><div><br /></div><div>Heute, erinnere ich mich. </div><div><br /></div><div>Ich habe heute die Stadt besichtigen. </div><div>For your sake, that'll be the last of the German. </div><div>Some of the very famous touristy places. Places I had been before. Places normal people go.</div><div>Its funny, the closer and closer you get to these places, the more english you here. Well done, America. </div><div><br /></div><div>I started the day off by buying a day ticket for all public trans, so I could get around easily enough. Trams, subways, and busses all awaited me. </div><div>It was cold today.</div><div>Not just cold, cold. Windy cold. </div><div>I took some <a href="http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=194880&id=797997626">Pictures. </a> If my photographer friends were here, they'd probably freak out. </div><div><br /></div><div>Before today, I'd been slightly discouraged. My German was terrible, I didn't get out to do anything, I got lost my first time out alone, I've been sick, etc...</div><div>Stupid things I let get to my head.</div><div><br /></div><div>I decided to go to Alexanderplatz first. I heard it was awesome, and a lot of people go there, and it was easy to get too. </div><div>I get to a station called Ostkreuz, and am trying to figure out which train to take, because I can take 4 different ones that all lead me in the right direction.</div><div>After missing I'm sure, 3 trains, I find the exact one I want, and as I'm waiting, I hear the lady in the wheel chair behind me ask for me to help her onto the subway. </div><div>I say gladly. </div><div>And I proceed to talk to her in German. I tell her what I'm doing in Berlin, and ask her about her life.</div><div>Side note, most Germans would've helped her. But they wouldn't have talked to her. The people here don't talk to strangers without prompt. Not like us in America. Even if they're doing something for the other.</div><div><br /></div><div>So as I apologize for my terrible German and such, she asks me,</div><div>"So you're really interested in us Germans?"</div><div>I say definitely.</div><div><br /></div><div>And a tear rolls down her cheek. </div><div><br /></div><div>I continue talking to her and we exit on the same station. </div><div>I find a Starbucks (creature of habit), and start to journal. Than I realize something.</div><div>I have exactly what I wanted. Ich habe genau was habe ich gewollt. </div><div>And I've been so blinded by sadness of leaving, </div><div>that I forgot the joy of coming.</div><div><br /></div><div>I love this place. </div><div>I love the people (well, most).</div><div>I love the culture (well, most).</div><div>I wanted to move her six months ago.</div><div>I moved here six months later. </div><div>What love, has the Lord bestowed on me, that I receive my hearts desire.</div><div>And I don't eternally rejoice for it...</div><div>I'm guilty of great sin. </div><div>Forgive me, Father.</div><div>My loss is counted just to know you. What joy it is to know you. </div><div><br /></div><div>I went to Potsdammer Platz which is a huge shopping place/theater and walked around. </div><div>Then to the Brandenburg Gate. To the Reichstag. To Tegel (and unfortunately the ice cream shop we often visited in June is closed to February). To back home. </div><div> </div><div>I made friends with these two dudes who work at a 24 hour Döner Kebap shop in Tegel. </div><div>It'll be interesting to see how that goes. </div><div><br /></div><div>Everybody here smokes. Everybody here drinks. Everybody here is silently in pain. </div><div>Everybody here looks cold, all the time. Regardless of seasons.</div><div>Joy is unusual.</div><div>Love is corrupt.</div><div>Peace is mistaken.</div><div>Patience is useless. </div><div>Kindness is rare.</div><div>Gentleness is impossible. </div><div>Faithfulness is unheard of.</div><div>Self-Control is unnecessary. </div><div><br /></div><div>Hope is nonexistent.</div><div><br /></div><div>And friends, thats not just Germany. Thats the nature we all carry with us. </div><div><br /></div><div>But.</div><div>The Spirit, of the Sovereign Lord, is on me. </div><div>And I cannot keep silent anymore. </div><div>And I can't be all about my convenience anymore.</div><div>Germany needs healing. </div><div>So many hurt. So many wounded. So many dying.</div><div>They want the healing, they just do not know how to receive it.</div><div><br /></div><div>And they wont believe in God, unless they see Him. </div><div>I believe, their desire to see Him, is not one of rebellion and disbelief. </div><div>Its one of wanting to know for certain what is what because they have been lied to, and deceived so many times. </div><div><br /></div><div>And I believe the Father is going to honor that. </div><div>And reveal Himself. </div><div> </div><div>Joel 2:28-32.</div><div><br /></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Charis SIL', charis, Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; "><sup class="versenum" id="en-NIV-22340" style="font-size: 0.65em; line-height: normal; font-weight: bold; vertical-align: text-top; ">28</sup> "And afterward,<br /> I will pour out my Spirit on all people.<br /> Your sons and daughters will prophesy,<br /> your old men will dream dreams,<br /> your young men will see visions.<p> <sup class="versenum" id="en-NIV-22341" style="font-size: 0.65em; line-height: normal; font-weight: bold; vertical-align: text-top; ">29</sup> Even on my servants, both men and women,<br /> I will pour out my Spirit in those days.</p><p> <sup class="versenum" id="en-NIV-22342" style="font-size: 0.65em; line-height: normal; font-weight: bold; vertical-align: text-top; ">30</sup> I will show wonders in the heavens<br /> and on the earth,<br /> blood and fire and billows of smoke.</p><p> <sup class="versenum" id="en-NIV-22343" style="font-size: 0.65em; line-height: normal; font-weight: bold; vertical-align: text-top; ">31</sup> The sun will be turned to darkness<br /> and the moon to blood<br /> before the coming of the great and dreadful day of the LORD.</p><p> <sup class="versenum" id="en-NIV-22344" style="font-size: 0.65em; line-height: normal; font-weight: bold; vertical-align: text-top; ">32</sup> And everyone who calls<br /> on the name of the LORD will be saved;<br /> for on Mount Zion and in Jerusalem<br /> there will be deliverance,<br /> as the LORD has said,<br /> among the survivors<br /> whom the LORD calls.</p></span></div><div>The Lord is calling Germany. </div><div>And they're beginning to call back. </div><div><br /></div><div>Friends. I ask you to join with me in prayer for Berlin and overall Germany.</div><div>That their guilt and shame would ultimately make them seek the ultimate Healer.</div><div>And that they would be healed.</div><div><br /></div><div>I found myself in all of this today. Not only me, but also the Lord.</div><div>And He is here, with me.</div><div><br /></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4077578958791728588.post-7895890923874799742010-01-17T07:25:00.000-08:002010-01-17T08:16:16.778-08:00knowledgebuildings.I'm here. In Berlin.<div><br /></div><div>Am I excited?</div><div>Trying to be.</div><div>Am I scared? </div><div>Trying not to be.</div><div><br /></div><div>This is hard, guys. A lot harder than I anticipated. My thoughts keep revolving around home. The people back there. How I miss them. </div><div><br /></div><div>Cynicism sets in, and I think thoughts like, "Who am I?" "What am I doing here?" "What was I thinking?" and "I want to go home."</div><div><br /></div><div>I'm in a completely different culture, and people speak a completely different language. </div><div>Its not like I moved to Texas, which would be frightening enough.</div><div>I moved to the capital of another COUNTRY. Berlin, Germany.</div><div><br /></div><div>What.</div><div><br /></div><div>And I still can't take credit for all of it. The way the Lord worked it out.</div><div>He has to have something in mind for all this, I keep reminded myself.</div><div>Rather, the Holy Spirit reminds me. </div><div><br /></div><div>Talking with Helio and Michael and Fabi about the move of the Spirit here, and its already happening. I love that.</div><div><br /></div><div>But not more than I love myself.</div><div>You see, I'm pretty selfish.</div><div>I would've been perfectly content in Colorado, working at 'Bucks, living in an apartment, hanging with people. And I would say I hate it, because many aspects of it, I hate.</div><div><br /></div><div>But God wouldn't let me spend me on me. </div><div>He knew what would break me. He knew what would make me depend completely on Him.</div><div>I even had to give an early goodbye to my loved ones, because of plane switch arounds. Pissed me off. But I wonder if the Lord was in that, somehow. </div><div>Its funny, because as soon as I leave, my friends back home get convicted about friend-idolatry.</div><div>I read Audrey's blog, and get convicted myself. (Bee tee dub, read it. audreywilles.wordpress.com)</div><div><br /></div><div>Its not a fun game. </div><div>I think I realize now, that life isn't about me. </div><div>And now that God is all I have to hold on to, especially this next week I have alone, I cry like David in the sense of, "Don't be far from me, my God! You alone can deliver me!"</div><div><br /></div><div>Psalm 22. David feels completely forgotten by God. But He still yet chooses to praise Him.</div><div>His words in verse 3 are, "Yet you are holy, enthroned on the praises of Israel."</div><div><br /></div><div>God is above all of this.</div><div>Above my fear. </div><div>Above my desire for my friends and family back home.</div><div>Above me.</div><div><br /></div><div>On the praises of your people, O God, do you sit and look down upon me. </div><div>Outstretch your grace and mercy to me, for my eyes fail me. </div><div><br /></div><div>Hearing "You Wont Relent" in German, just hit me. </div><div>...Mein Herz ist Dein. </div><div>I'm here. And God is here. Same God. Different people. </div><div><br /></div><div>I got lost today. For a good 3 hours after Gemeinde Auf Dem Weg.</div><div><br /></div><div>I didn't freak at first. And not until I just went the wrong direction on a train close to the end, did I start to freak out and worry.</div><div>I hate being human.</div><div>Especially one who can worry a lot.</div><div>Because God takes care of His people.</div><div>I'm fine, I made it back and all warm and stuff.</div><div>But I don't get it. Why do I do these things I hate? </div><div><br /></div><div>God's words through Josh Thursday keep ringing in my ears.</div><div>Fear not, for I am with you. </div><div>Fear not, like the command. Not like a hey don't worry bout it.</div><div>No like, Taylor, DO NOT fear.</div><div><br /></div><div>Isaiah 41:10</div><div>"...fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."</div><div> </div><div>I keep looking at the buildings, the apartments and stores, for familiarity. </div><div>But mostly, they all look the same.</div><div>I keep looking at my emotions, sadness and joy, for God.</div><div>But my feelings for the moment, all feel the same.</div><div><br /></div><div>Its the knowledge of the buildings that tell me where I am. </div><div>Its the knowledge of the Word and of God that tell me He is close. </div><div>And will never leave.</div><div><br /></div><div>God, I need joy in this loss. </div><div>...I need strength to count this all as loss, just to know Christ.</div><div><br /></div><div>Buildings are hollow, and so are my feelings.</div><div>But my God is strong and full. </div><div><br /></div><div>Someone I barely know, sent me this on Facebook right after I left.</div><div><br /></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#FF0000;">"I had no idea you were moving to Germany. None whatsoever.<br /><br />But I had this dream about you last night.<br /><br />You had cuts and bruises all over your body and it seemed as though your limbs were broken and everyone around you was telling you that you needed to get to a doctor and be taken care of but you kept refusing saying, "I need to be broken, I need to be broken all is well" over and over. And there was so much chaos around you. Everyone was running around and yelling and telling you that you could not remain in the state you were in but you were so calm and so at peace. It was all over your face... You knew...<br /><br />And that's all you said over and over and over... "I need to be broken, I need to be broken all is well"<br /><br />I woke up and sort of pushed the dream out of my head... But then I got a Twitter update from Josh Cuchiara about you leaving... And I was like... Huh?<br /><br />So I uh, facebook stalked you and read your blog and was just amazed.<br /><br />I really don't have anything else to say except... Godspeed to you.<br />God's blessings and provisions to you for your obedience...<br /><br />Isaiah 66:14-16 (Message)<br />You'll see all this and burst with joy... you'll feel ten feet tall...<br />As it becomes apparent that God is on your side...<br /><br />:)<br /><br />All is well..."</span></span></span></span></div><div><br /></div><div>No one said this would be easy.</div><div>Why the hell did I expect it to be.</div><div>Because.</div><div>My hope was in me.</div><div>And that wont even work this time around.</div><div>Lets face it folks, we all know I can't do anything.</div><div><br /></div><div>Now, I'm forced to put all my hope in God.</div><div>And in that hope, there is the assurance that He WILL never let me go.</div><div><br /></div><div>Faith sets in, and I think thoughts like, "God, who are you?" "God, what are you doing here?" "God, what are you thinking?"and "God, I want to go to you."</div><div><br /></div><div>Now, to wait upon the Lord for these answers, and many others.</div><div>Warten.</div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4077578958791728588.post-75364269801075393852010-01-02T21:24:00.000-08:002010-01-02T22:57:25.523-08:00BerlinI have a story to tell.<div>A story of God's grace and faithfulness. </div><div>I thought it appropriate to write out what the Lord is doing, in me, and how me moving to Berlin actually came to be.</div><div><br /></div><div>April. </div><div>In Revival Town one night, I was in the meeting with many others. It seemed like type a prayer meeting. Worsh, prayer, worsh, prayer. But. Towards the end. Fabian and Kathrin Heinze walked up on stage, preparing to pray for their nation, Deutschland. As Fabi gave background as to how to pray for Germany, for spiritual fathers, everyone's heart united and began to break for Germany. Launching into prayer in their native tongue, my heart exploded. </div><div>I cannot describe it.</div><div>It wasn't just cool to hear someone pray in another language.</div><div>It wasn't just powerful because the God they serve is the same one I serve (even though this is unquenchably powerful).</div><div><br /></div><div>God was stirring my heart for the next step. </div><div><br /></div><div>I heard tag was going to Germany at the end of June that night.</div><div>I felt strongly that I was supposed to go. </div><div>Since I felt like I wasn't made for "Missions" I didn't think a missions trip was in my alley. </div><div><br /></div><div>The next day, Kayla, my best friend, signed up for the trip. I didn't even mention Germany to her. Now I didn't want to go because she was going and make it seem that was the reason I was going, but I felt the impression harder. GO. GO. GO.</div><div><br /></div><div>I signed up. I went home that night telling my parents I was going.</div><div>Started learning German.</div><div><br /></div><div>I signed up rather late, so a good chunk of the money was due in the next week. A good chunk being half of the $1500. </div><div>And I didn't even have my passport </div><div><br /></div><div>I am terrible at saving money. Absolute wretched at it. But. Because I was planning a trip to Seattle that Summer, I was saving. I had a little bit over $900. </div><div>Just enough to get my passport, and pay half of the deposit. </div><div><br /></div><div>I wrote support letters. I worked. </div><div>And the money kept flowing in. </div><div>The Lord used it for others.</div><div>It just kept coming in from random places.</div><div>The dollar sign means nothing to God.</div><div><br /></div><div>Through the preparation of the team, and uniting together to pray for Berlin, and Gemeinde Auf Dem Weg, I just felt the Lord working on my character. Defining me.</div><div><br /></div><div>One night, when we all had a spend the night deal at the prayer center, I felt like God told me He made me to be a reclaimer. Someone who calls back those who have wandered far. </div><div><br /></div><div>By God's grace. Not my own ability.</div><div><br /></div><div>God ordained so much. From scriptures being shared with others, to finance, to fellowship, all of it. By His hands.</div><div><br /></div><div>Berlin finally came.</div><div>And.</div><div><br /></div><div>My heart was broken right in front of me, for a people so desperate for hope.</div><div>Looking at every feasible corner for some antidote for their guilt that was not their own. </div><div>Alcoholism. Homosexuality. Pornography. Partying. Work. Study. </div><div>Vice. Bondage. Sin. Chains.</div><div>German people carry the great guilt of millions of lives. </div><div>And the current generation's grandparents paved the way for it.</div><div>They can do nothing to offer for retribution. They alone must sit in the guilt. </div><div>No grace. No mercy. Simple condemnation and shame. </div><div><br /></div><div>But somehow in all of this.</div><div>I knew Berlin was home.</div><div>More than Colorado Springs had ever been to me.</div><div><br /></div><div>I knew I would be moving there, from the moment my feet touched German concrete. </div><div><br /></div><div>If I were to describe that trip by itself, it would be a whole other blog. </div><div>God moved and moves.</div><div><br /></div><div>When I told people I was moving back, they told me I wasn't. They said it wouldn't happen. That it was just feeling of excitement of my first missions trip. It would go away eventually.</div><div><br /></div><div>It never did. Still hasn't.</div><div><br /></div><div>But through the tortuous longs for Germany, I made plans elsewhere. I had doubts, and followed them at first.</div><div>The Furnace looked appealing. And I felt like it had to offer what I wanted. Community. </div><div><br /></div><div>"The counterfeit comes before the real."</div><div><br /></div><div>One day before the Furnace application was due, New Life was showing the long term missionaries that they sponsor. Fabi and Kathrin came up.</div><div>And as soon as I saw them on the screen, the Spirit of God overwhelmed me.</div><div>And the clearest words I feel like God has said to me were spoken.</div><div>"You're going back." </div><div><br /></div><div>Amazed, I didn't know what to think of it all. I figured fall of 2010 was when, after the Furnace and all.</div><div><br /></div><div>Nope.</div><div><br /></div><div>The next day, as I asked my parents for the check to pay the application fee for the Furn, they told me something that shocked me. </div><div><br /></div><div>"We don't want you to do something with New Life. We want you out of your comfort zone..."</div><div>I didn't have the parental blessing. Huge deal.</div><div><br /></div><div>People told me to apply anyways. My dad mentioned YWAM. </div><div>And when he did, my mind rushed to thoughts of others asking me if I was planning on doing YWAM in Berlin. In fact, I met someone in Berlin who was a Berliner, doing DTS in Berlin.</div><div><br /></div><div>Confusion followed. </div><div>But the God ordainedness through it amazed me.</div><div>I didn't work the next few days, totally God.</div><div>I got to process with Kayla almost immediately. God. </div><div>Brent was sick the first time we tried to meet. So we rescheduled.</div><div>I wanted wisdom outside of my rents, and the other two men I would go to were living life with family and busy. But, God, knowing my needs and taking care of me, scheduled my meeting with Brent the day after all this. God.</div><div>God gave me new friends after Kayla and Lena left that were TRUE community. GOD.</div><div><br /></div><div>Brent shared so much valuable wisdom with me. I am so grateful for what the Lord did in that conversation. It motivated me. I was challenged to step in faith.</div><div>Romans 4 in the message translation was a big passage of scripture through this for me. </div><div>Abraham walked, and trusted God to set him right. Not to be right on his own. </div><div>Abraham, the greatest example of faith, acted in faith. </div><div>And received promise because of it.</div><div><br /></div><div>I'm not Abraham. But I have learned and am still learning a lot from him.</div><div><br /></div><div>I emailed the YWAM base. </div><div>Got info. And just got excited.</div><div><br /></div><div>I applied.</div><div>I got accepted, even though I worried beyond belief. </div><div><br /></div><div>I started preparation. </div><div>I bought my one-way plane ticket for $500.</div><div>DIA to Charlotte to Frankfurt to Berlin. </div><div><br /></div><div>Because my mindset is one of human nature, and not yet of God, money was my biggest concern.</div><div>$5000+ in less than 4 months. I couldn't do it.</div><div>There was no way.</div><div><br /></div><div>On tag retreat, I felt the Lord specifically tell me not to send out support letters this time around. </div><div>I obeyed. </div><div><br /></div><div>I freaked out constantly. Worrying about money and provision.</div><div>But through random people. God provided little by little. </div><div>$50 here, $20 there.</div><div>I was so thankful. But all of it still didn't measure to much. </div><div>Not nearly enough.</div><div><br /></div><div>Through all of this. The Lord just began to break me. </div><div>Showing me all my dependance and hope and trust is in me, and those around me.</div><div>Not Him. </div><div>And for the last 3 months, God has been having His way with me.</div><div>Destroying all my realities of Him. </div><div>Wrecking my view of me. And more so of Him.</div><div><br /></div><div>All Him. By His hands.</div><div><br /></div><div>This finally bumps us up more to speed.</div><div>For DTS, I had to be insured inside of Germany.</div><div>The only way that could happen, was if my dad's work would cover me, and somehow consider YWAM higher education.</div><div>They consider it higher education. I'm insured.</div><div>HUGE deal. God is faithful.</div><div><br /></div><div>I still around this point, only have $900 ish. </div><div>Not nearly the $2240 I need for the lecture phase, due Jan. 22. </div><div><br /></div><div>Hey guys. </div><div>God is faithful.</div><div>God is faithful. </div><div>GOD is faithful. </div><div>God IS faithful.</div><div>God is FAITHFUL.</div><div><br /></div><div>Since my dad's job is considering YWAM higher ed, they can dip into a fund for that education to help provide they way.</div><div><br /></div><div>$2300. </div><div><br /></div><div>We had no clue. </div><div>After Christmas, I had $3500.</div><div>Enough to cover the first section. Incredible.</div><div><br /></div><div>God has provided for me in the small things. </div><div>From chap stick to coffee tumblers. </div><div>Clothes to $2300. </div><div><br /></div><div>I still need more money.</div><div>But because I know He is faithful, I know it will come at just the right time.</div><div><br /></div><div>So. In 13 days, the great return to Berlin will be made. </div><div>I am absolutely amazed by God.</div><div>Who He is.</div><div>How He is.</div><div>What He is.</div><div>Why He is.</div><div>He is. </div><div><br /></div><div>Germany will be changed.</div><div>Not because of my going.</div><div>Because of God's jealousy for His people. </div><div><br /></div><div>There is so much more to the story. Because its His.</div><div>There is so much more to be written. He already wrote it. </div><div><br /></div><div>I am nothing without Jesus. </div><div>Mere dirt, without the Spirit.</div><div>And it is He who empowers.</div><div>I'm humbled and honored to make my way to such an incredible place.</div><div>That He, would choose me. </div><div>That He loves me.</div><div>That He intertwines the desires of my heart into His will for me.</div><div><br /></div><div>Here I am, Lord.</div><div>A mere servant. Here for You. And the work of Your hands. </div><div><br /></div><div>God is faithful. </div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4077578958791728588.post-88913767764702376092009-12-25T09:02:00.000-08:002009-12-25T13:53:01.636-08:00Pride.Today, I can boast about me. <div>Even today. Of all days. In remembrance of what the Lord Jesus has done for me.</div><div>That this. All of this. Around me, surrounding me. The evil. The hurt. The pain. The death. The sin. The depravity. Christ saved me, from all of the above.</div><div>And that isn't even mentioning any description of hell...</div><div><br /></div><div>Deine Gnade ist alles um mich herum.</div><div>Ohne Dich bin Ich nichts. </div><div>Du, Herr. Nur Du. </div><div>Du hast mir retten. </div><div><br /></div><div>Subconscious Decompression:</div><div>I credit my salvation to me. </div><div>My faith is in me. My trust is in me. My hope is in me. My confidence is in my own hands. I bring goodness to God. </div><div>Christ died for me, and that was nice and all, but I was good enough without Him.</div><div>I worked hard enough. My labor was long and hard. </div><div>I earned my redemption. </div><div>God had better save me, if He is a just God.</div><div>I'm a pretty big deal.</div><div><br /></div><div>And just like that. My entitlement, and my cancerous pride that keeps me so blind to reality, kept me from seeing me, begun to be destroyed.</div><div><br /></div><div>Lord, humble me. Lord, break me.</div><div>Little did I know this would happen. </div><div>Little did I know, that when this random lady told me the Lord was going to break me even more to prepare me for Germany, would it happen. </div><div><br /></div><div>Wow, God stands by what He says and answers prayers. I would've never known by the way I treated Him.</div><div><br /></div><div>I forgot the height from which I fell. That we all, are the same. That I have the same nature as the murder, the rapist, the child molester, the corrupt politician, the anything. We are the same.</div><div>How dare I think myself better. </div><div>How dare I call my salvation an obligation.</div><div><br /></div><div>I did not work and could not work hard enough to earn it.</div><div>My boasting was in vain. </div><div><br /></div><div>I am no good.</div><div>I am disposable to the Lord.</div><div>He doesn't need me.</div><div>He could send someone else to Berlin.</div><div>He has 6 billion people to choose from.</div><div><br /></div><div>In my self exaltation, I failed to see Jesus. The precious blood. God who died for me. </div><div>I still fail to see Him the way I should.</div><div><br /></div><div>My walk is merely an outward proclamation for all of you too see how much holier I am than you. Aloneness with God is unheard of. I want you to see and talk about how devoted I am. </div><div><br /></div><div>I am a pharisee. </div><div>If Jesus were to come to me, I would've been among those who eventually crucified Him.</div><div><br /></div><div>In fact, I did. My sins. My trespasses. My faults. My flaws. </div><div><br /></div><div>Jesus looked at me. </div><div>Saw me as I am. </div><div>God of everything. </div><div>Who formed me, who knows my every thought and the whispers of my heart.</div><div>Who loved me more than I will every grasp or imagine. </div><div>Who is worthy of all the adoration human kind has to offer, before He even sent Jesus. </div><div><br /></div><div>God humbled Himself. </div><div>He could've came as a tree. He could've came as a goat. A mountain even. </div><div>He came as a human. And not even as a person of great splendor, in the way our eyes measure splendor. Born in the ghetto practically. With animals around. </div><div><br /></div><div>Anything but glamorous.</div><div><br /></div><div>God did that. </div><div><br /></div><div>...what? </div><div>I'm never going to get the full weight of it all.</div><div><br /></div><div>What credit do I have to claim before God.</div><div>LORD, forgive me for trying to be anything before You by my owns means.</div><div><br /></div><div>EVERYTHING I have is a gift. </div><div>My life. My body. My family. My friends. My money. My job. My car. My ___.</div><div><br /></div><div>All of it. </div><div>I wasn't only the servant who buried the talent given to him. I spent on the petty, and the material. I wasn't even the worst! I am worst than the worst! My stewardship is mockery of God.</div><div><br /></div><div>I can't even believe how I must've grieved the heart of God. </div><div>Missing the point. To arrogant to care, because I figured God out, as if He has a limit.</div><div><br /></div><div>When the Lord started to show me all this, I began to freak out. Fear, anxiety, helplessness.</div><div><br /></div><div>Why?</div><div>Because all my foundation was on me. Sand. </div><div>Not on the Rock, with Christ as the chief corner stone. </div><div><br /></div><div>I couldn't do anything, to fix, anything.</div><div>Time was out of my hands. Control. Also out of my hands.</div><div>Helpless. And I was so frustrated and felt so alone and desperate. </div><div>In a sense, drowning in my own blood. </div><div>Oh, my God's love for me and how it reveals itself in miraculous ways.</div><div><br /></div><div>The Lord continues to destroy the self pretense I've created.</div><div>I can't be god in my life anymore. And He knows it.</div><div>HE loves me to much to let it go on.</div><div><br /></div><div>For that, I love Him. </div><div>That good in His eyes, the true good, is not my idea of good.</div><div>Thank God. Because we prideful people. We all hope we aren't right deep down. Because we don't want to be end all. The top person. The smartest, strongest, or any kind of word that ends in -est. </div><div><br /></div><div>The Lord is God.</div><div><br /></div><div>Isaiah 43.</div><div><br /></div><div>A year ago. I was so desperately alone and without God. I was abandoned, so I abandoned. </div><div><br /></div><div>One day, as I was reading the Word, in doubt of His love I asked God to reveal to me where He says He loves me. God actually saying it. Not Paul. Not John. Not Luke. God.</div><div><br /></div><div>God answers prayers doods. </div><div><br /></div><div>"Because I love you...'</div><div><br /></div><div>Recently. The Lord has brought me back to it. </div><div><br /></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Charis SIL', charis, Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; "><h4>Isaiah 43</h4><h5>Israel's Only Savior</h5> <sup class="versenum" id="en-NIV-18507" style="font-size: 0.65em; line-height: normal; font-weight: bold; vertical-align: text-top; ">1</sup> But now, this is what the LORD says—<br /> he who created you, O Jacob,<br /> he who formed you, O Israel:<br /> "Fear not, for I have redeemed you;<br /> I have summoned you by name; you are mine.<p> <sup class="versenum" id="en-NIV-18508" style="font-size: 0.65em; line-height: normal; font-weight: bold; vertical-align: text-top; ">2</sup> When you pass through the waters,<br /> I will be with you;<br /> and when you pass through the rivers,<br /> they will not sweep over you.<br /> When you walk through the fire,<br /> you will not be burned;<br /> the flames will not set you ablaze.</p><p> <sup class="versenum" id="en-NIV-18509" style="font-size: 0.65em; line-height: normal; font-weight: bold; vertical-align: text-top; ">3</sup> For I am the LORD, your God,<br /> the Holy One of Israel, your Savior;<br /> I give Egypt for your ransom,<br /> Cush and Seba in your stead.</p><p> <sup class="versenum" id="en-NIV-18510" style="font-size: 0.65em; line-height: normal; font-weight: bold; vertical-align: text-top; ">4</sup> Since you are precious and honored in my sight,<br /> and because I love you,<br /> I will give men in exchange for you,<br /> and people in exchange for your life.</p><p> <sup class="versenum" id="en-NIV-18511" style="font-size: 0.65em; line-height: normal; font-weight: bold; vertical-align: text-top; ">5</sup> Do not be afraid, for I am with you;<br /> I will bring your children from the east<br /> and gather you from the west.</p><p> <sup class="versenum" id="en-NIV-18512" style="font-size: 0.65em; line-height: normal; font-weight: bold; vertical-align: text-top; ">6</sup> I will say to the north, 'Give them up!'<br /> and to the south, 'Do not hold them back.'<br /> Bring my sons from afar<br /> and my daughters from the ends of the earth-</p><p> <sup class="versenum" id="en-NIV-18513" style="font-size: 0.65em; line-height: normal; font-weight: bold; vertical-align: text-top; ">7</sup> everyone who is called by my name,<br /> whom I created for my glory,<br /> whom I formed and made."</p><p> <sup class="versenum" id="en-NIV-18514" style="font-size: 0.65em; line-height: normal; font-weight: bold; vertical-align: text-top; ">8</sup> Lead out those who have eyes but are blind,<br /> who have ears but are deaf.</p><p> <sup class="versenum" id="en-NIV-18515" style="font-size: 0.65em; line-height: normal; font-weight: bold; vertical-align: text-top; ">9</sup> All the nations gather together<br /> and the peoples assemble.<br /> Which of them foretold this<br /> and proclaimed to us the former things?<br /> Let them bring in their witnesses to prove they were right,<br /> so that others may hear and say, "It is true."</p><p> <sup class="versenum" id="en-NIV-18516" style="font-size: 0.65em; line-height: normal; font-weight: bold; vertical-align: text-top; ">10</sup> "You are my witnesses," declares the LORD,<br /> "and my servant whom I have chosen,<br /> so that you may know and believe me<br /> and understand that I am he.<br /> Before me no god was formed,<br /> nor will there be one after me.</p><p> <sup class="versenum" id="en-NIV-18517" style="font-size: 0.65em; line-height: normal; font-weight: bold; vertical-align: text-top; ">11</sup> I, even I, am the LORD,<br /> and apart from me there is no savior.</p><p> <sup class="versenum" id="en-NIV-18518" style="font-size: 0.65em; line-height: normal; font-weight: bold; vertical-align: text-top; ">12</sup> I have revealed and saved and proclaimed—<br /> I, and not some foreign god among you.<br /> You are my witnesses," declares the LORD, "that I am God.</p><p> <sup class="versenum" id="en-NIV-18519" style="font-size: 0.65em; line-height: normal; font-weight: bold; vertical-align: text-top; ">13</sup> Yes, and from ancient days I am he.<br /> No one can deliver out of my hand.<br /> When I act, who can reverse it?"</p><h5>God's Mercy and Israel's Unfaithfulness</h5> <sup class="versenum" id="en-NIV-18520" style="font-size: 0.65em; line-height: normal; font-weight: bold; vertical-align: text-top; ">14</sup> This is what the LORD says—<br /> your Redeemer, the Holy One of Israel:<br /> "For your sake I will send to Babylon<br /> and bring down as fugitives all the Babylonians,<br /> in the ships in which they took pride.<p> <sup class="versenum" id="en-NIV-18521" style="font-size: 0.65em; line-height: normal; font-weight: bold; vertical-align: text-top; ">15</sup> I am the LORD, your Holy One,<br /> Israel's Creator, your King."</p><p> <sup class="versenum" id="en-NIV-18522" style="font-size: 0.65em; line-height: normal; font-weight: bold; vertical-align: text-top; ">16</sup> This is what the LORD says—<br /> he who made a way through the sea,<br /> a path through the mighty waters,</p><p> <sup class="versenum" id="en-NIV-18523" style="font-size: 0.65em; line-height: normal; font-weight: bold; vertical-align: text-top; ">17</sup> who drew out the chariots and horses,<br /> the army and reinforcements together,<br /> and they lay there, never to rise again,<br /> extinguished, snuffed out like a wick:</p><p> <sup class="versenum" id="en-NIV-18524" style="font-size: 0.65em; line-height: normal; font-weight: bold; vertical-align: text-top; ">18</sup> "Forget the former things;<br /> do not dwell on the past.</p><p> <sup class="versenum" id="en-NIV-18525" style="font-size: 0.65em; line-height: normal; font-weight: bold; vertical-align: text-top; ">19</sup> See, I am doing a new thing!<br /> Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?<br /> I am making a way in the desert<br /> and streams in the wasteland.</p><p> <sup class="versenum" id="en-NIV-18526" style="font-size: 0.65em; line-height: normal; font-weight: bold; vertical-align: text-top; ">20</sup> The wild animals honor me,<br /> the jackals and the owls,<br /> because I provide water in the desert<br /> and streams in the wasteland,<br /> to give drink to my people, my chosen,</p><p> <sup class="versenum" id="en-NIV-18527" style="font-size: 0.65em; line-height: normal; font-weight: bold; vertical-align: text-top; ">21</sup> the people I formed for myself<br /> that they may proclaim my praise.</p><p> <sup class="versenum" id="en-NIV-18528" style="font-size: 0.65em; line-height: normal; font-weight: bold; vertical-align: text-top; ">22</sup> "Yet you have not called upon me, O Jacob,<br /> you have not wearied yourselves for me, O Israel.</p><p> <sup class="versenum" id="en-NIV-18529" style="font-size: 0.65em; line-height: normal; font-weight: bold; vertical-align: text-top; ">23</sup> You have not brought me sheep for burnt offerings,<br /> nor honored me with your sacrifices.<br /> I have not burdened you with grain offerings<br /> nor wearied you with demands for incense.</p><p> <sup class="versenum" id="en-NIV-18530" style="font-size: 0.65em; line-height: normal; font-weight: bold; vertical-align: text-top; ">24</sup> You have not bought any fragrant calamus for me,<br /> or lavished on me the fat of your sacrifices.<br /> But you have burdened me with your sins<br /> and wearied me with your offenses.</p><p> <sup class="versenum" id="en-NIV-18531" style="font-size: 0.65em; line-height: normal; font-weight: bold; vertical-align: text-top; ">25</sup> "I, even I, am he who blots out<br /> your transgressions, for my own sake,<br /> and remembers your sins no more.</p><p> <sup class="versenum" id="en-NIV-18532" style="font-size: 0.65em; line-height: normal; font-weight: bold; vertical-align: text-top; ">26</sup> Review the past for me,<br /> let us argue the matter together;<br /> state the case for your innocence.</p><p> <sup class="versenum" id="en-NIV-18533" style="font-size: 0.65em; line-height: normal; font-weight: bold; vertical-align: text-top; ">27</sup> Your first father sinned;<br /> your spokesmen rebelled against me.</p><p> <sup class="versenum" id="en-NIV-18534" style="font-size: 0.65em; line-height: normal; font-weight: bold; vertical-align: text-top; ">28</sup> So I will disgrace the dignitaries of your temple,<br /> and I will consign Jacob to destruction<br /> and Israel to scorn.</p></span></div><div>I walk through water and fire. </div><div>I am safe. Not by my own protection. It is the hand of God. </div><div>God is my only savior. He loves me.</div><div>He is with me. Fear is defeated. </div><div>I am CREATED for HIS GLORY.</div><div>I am His witness. </div><div>I lead out the deaf. the blind. the mute. </div><div>All for the glory of JESUS. </div><div>I am a witness, a testimony, of how He saved, healed, proclaimed. </div><div><br /></div><div>God is doing a new thing. Making me forget the past. </div><div><br /></div><div>When I read that.</div><div>All I can say, is I can't save myself.</div><div>Thank you, Jesus, that I don't have to try. </div><div><br /></div><div>"How could I expect to walk when every move that Jesus made was in surrender."</div><div><br /></div><div>So. Jesus in me continues to fight this cancerous known as pride. </div><div>And He will remain victorious in me. I cannot wait to see the outcome of His power in me.</div><div>Not because it has even anything to do with me.</div><div>Because it begins, and ends, with the Lord, God of Israel who is mighty to save.</div><div><br /></div><div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div>"How could I expect to walk when every move that Jesus made was in surrender."</div><div><br /></div></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4077578958791728588.post-82420479366375119682009-10-15T09:40:00.000-07:002009-10-15T10:33:52.033-07:00Authority.<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial; font-weight: bold;">Have you ever noticed how half hearted we tend to be when we pray? </span><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial; font-weight: bold;">Our conversations with God are more like vague portraits of something we don't even know how to express. "God, help me," "God, turn me upside down," "God, break me." </span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial; font-weight: bold;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial; font-weight: bold;">Those are fantastic things to pray, but I barely know what they mean in some regard. </span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial; font-weight: bold;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial; font-weight: bold;">I know that when I pray for things like understanding and wisdom, I ask in anticipated unbelief. I expect God not to answer me. </span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial; font-weight: bold;">James 1:6-8 is a wake up for these kind of prayers. </span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial; font-weight: bold;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana; font-weight: normal; "><div class="result-text-style-normal" style="font-family: 'Charis SIL', charis, Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; "><p><sup class="versenum" id="en-NIV-30257" style="font-size: 0.65em; font-weight: bold; vertical-align: text-top; line-height: normal; ">6</sup>But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. <sup class="versenum" id="en-NIV-30258" style="font-size: 0.65em; font-weight: bold; vertical-align: text-top; line-height: normal; ">7</sup>That man should not think he will receive anything from the Lord; <sup class="versenum" id="en-NIV-30259" style="font-size: 0.65em; font-weight: bold; vertical-align: text-top; line-height: normal; ">8</sup>he is a double-minded man, unstable in all he does.</p><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial; font-weight: bold;">God wont answer me when I really do doubt His power. </span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial; font-weight: bold;">Why do we ask with such a half heart?</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial; font-weight: bold;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial; font-weight: bold;">Because we don't understand the authority we've been given through Christ.</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial; font-weight: bold;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial; font-weight: bold;">I am petrified by how many Christians let the enemy kick down their door. Again and again. And all they have to say is, "Satan is attacking me."</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial; font-weight: bold;">Given, yes he is. But do you realize the strength you've been given by being a coheir with Christ? We do not have to suffer the effects of satan's attacks. </span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial; font-weight: bold;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial; font-weight: bold;">When Jesus was on trial before Pilate, He remained silent. Absolutely stunningly silent. </span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial; font-weight: bold;">I think that we all should be absolutely scared out of our minds when God is silent.</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial; font-weight: bold;">Pilate reminds Jesus that he has the authority to save Jesus' life, or crucify Him.</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial; font-weight: bold;">Jesus replies, "You would have no power over me if it were not given to you from above."</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial; font-weight: bold;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial; font-weight: bold;">All power and authority comes from God. </span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial; font-weight: bold;">If you look at Matthew 28:18-20, the Great Commission, Jesus says that "All authority in Heaven and on earth has been given to me." But he also says "And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age."</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial; font-weight: bold;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial; font-weight: bold;">We have that authority. He is always with us. </span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial; font-weight: bold;">Romans 8:37-39 declares that we are more than conquerors and nothing can separate us from His love. </span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial; font-weight: bold;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial; font-weight: bold;">We need to walk into the authority we've been given. If we don't, we are in willful disobedience. We let ourselves be overcome by temptation, we suffer through physical sickness, we don't walk in it. </span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial; font-weight: bold;">We don't always pray for those who are sick, we don't rebuke satan that he will flee, we let these things slide so easily. </span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial; font-weight: bold;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial; font-weight: bold;">We're way to timid in how we approach God. Not to say we shouldn't fear Him, because He is definitely worthy of that fear, and awe and reverence. Hebrews 4:16 says "Let us approach the throne of grace with confidence." </span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial; font-weight: bold;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial; font-weight: bold;">We are allowed to ask God for stuff. </span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial; font-weight: bold;">And we're allowed to expect that He'll deliver.</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial; font-weight: bold;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial; font-weight: bold;">Psalm 65:5 says "You answer us with awesome deeds of righteousness..."</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial; font-weight: bold;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial; font-weight: bold;">the Lord has been showing me the effects of walking in the authority. Its who we are.</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial; font-weight: bold;">If we don't know who we are, and identify with Christ in this matter, we're worse off than any of us thought. Even worse, if we don't know ourselves, we definitely don't know God, and we shouldn't pretend too.</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial; font-weight: bold;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial; font-weight: bold;">He is something we'll never grasp. I think that kills our minds knowing that we'll never fully know Him, at least till Heaven, but we barely even think about that. We try to know as much of God as we can. We seek, and seek, and seek, and seek this God and we don't know what we're seeking. </span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial; font-weight: bold;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial; font-weight: bold;">I have a lot of thoughts that correlate to other ideas and other epiphanies, but I won't go into them now.</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial; font-weight: bold;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial; font-weight: bold;">However, if this authority is a precious gift I've been given, how much more do I desire to walk in it. How much more do I desire to explore it. How much more will I stand in it. </span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial; font-weight: bold;"><br /></span></div><p></p></div></span></span></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4077578958791728588.post-25608159303562402032009-10-10T10:06:00.000-07:002009-10-10T10:45:01.102-07:00Doubt.<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold; font-family: arial;">I never realized what a wounded and broken human being I am. </span><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial; font-weight: bold;">I second guess myself, I question the motives of others, I look for signs of annoyance in people, etc...</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial; font-weight: bold;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial; font-weight: bold;">As the Lord has been putting me in this incredible wonder of healing, I'm having to go over all of these old wounds, that I thought I had dealt with. Moreover, they are a literal gushing stab wound, and my resolve was to put a band-aid over it. Meanwhile, blood and life continues to flow out of me. </span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial; font-weight: bold;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial; font-weight: bold;">Something I was absolutely shocked by in myself was the amount of doubt I had let in.</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial; font-weight: bold;">Doubt in myself, doubt in people, doubt in God. </span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial; font-weight: bold;">Not doubt in God's existence, I know He exists. Psalm 53:1 says "The fool denies God in his heart." I'm past that foolishness; I still have many more foolishnesses to overcome. </span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial; font-weight: bold;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial; font-weight: bold;">When I looked in my heart, and saw all of these wounds that made me doubt people, I started to analyze how I treated and reacted to individuals when they expressed their care for me. </span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial; font-weight: bold;">When parents expressed how much they loved me, my ears fell deaf.</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial; font-weight: bold;">When my friends told me how much I mean to them, I laughed and couldn't comprehend it.</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial; font-weight: bold;">When I read the Word and found passages like Isaiah 43:4, where God expresses how He would give other peoples up, just because He loves me, </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial; font-weight: bold;"> I skimmed over those words.</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial; font-weight: bold;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial; font-weight: bold;">What made me so calloused to love? What made me so hard toward those I trust and love mutually? </span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial; font-weight: bold;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial; font-weight: bold;">Doubt.</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial; font-weight: bold;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial; font-weight: bold;">At some point, because of my previous situations with people and the verbally abuse I received from people (not my parents, they have only spoken loving, kind and encouraging words to me all my life), I doubted good intentions. </span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial; font-weight: bold;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial; font-weight: bold;">Doubt seems to be more crafty than any of us really understand. It just doesn't come at us in full temptation mode like lust, or pride.</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial; font-weight: bold;">It's far more subtle, and easier to kindle. </span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial; font-weight: bold;">It's quiet. It doesn't voice itself very vocally, at first.</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial; font-weight: bold;">It is birthed with the slightest hint of unbelief. </span></div><div><br /></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial; font-weight: bold;">We all want to believe people mean well. </span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial; font-weight: bold;">Tipping good at restaurants, picking up trash, helping old ladies across the street. </span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial; font-weight: bold;">What ever kindness we see, we believe its done with good intentions. </span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial; font-weight: bold;">However. When those beliefs are betrayed, something bitter begins in a person.</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial; font-weight: bold;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial; font-weight: bold;">Bitterness, like doubt, is a slow growing cancer, that takes over before one can even recognize any symptoms. This is why it is so crucial to kill the weeds before they grow into trees. You can still cut down the trees, but you still have that stump to deal with for the rest of your life.</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial; font-weight: bold;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial; font-weight: bold;">God is a father. He provides like a father, He loves like a father, He honors like a father.</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial; font-weight: bold;">He wants to give good gifts like any dad wants to toward their child, especially when it is in accordance to His will. However, something about us wants to doubt the good nature of God; we put God in the person box, which yes, He is a being, but He is so much more faithful than any human I've ever come in contact with. He cannot deny Himself, so for me to think of God in human standards is folly anyways, but I'll humor myself in thinking of God this way. </span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial; font-weight: bold;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial; font-weight: bold;">I'll ask God for wisdom, and part of me doubts I'll grow wiser.</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial; font-weight: bold;">I tossed back and forth by the waves. </span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial; font-weight: bold;">James 1:6-7 talks about doubting the goodness of God, in accordance to asking Him for things. What I find interesting is how when we doubt God, that doubt almost seems to overcome His desire to give. So simple-minded people like you and me will get mad at God and say, "Lord, if you would just give me this, even though I doubt, it would increase my faith."</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial; font-weight: bold;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial; font-weight: bold;">That is 100% sin. Who are we to question God. He loves us too much to give us anything when we doubt. Instead of increasing of faith, it would poison our view of God, increase our own selfishness, and grow our ego far more than any of us would like.</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial; font-weight: bold;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial; font-weight: bold;">We are legitimate children.</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial; font-weight: bold;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial; font-weight: bold;">What troubles me more, is that I know my earthly father wants to help me, and provide for me. He wants to give me good things. When I ask for food, he's not going to give me rocks. </span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial; font-weight: bold;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial; font-weight: bold;">Why don't I believe that about the One who created everything, OUT OF LOVE.</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial; font-weight: bold;">Why do I believe that when I ask God for something, He wont respond?</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial; font-weight: bold;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial; font-weight: bold;">Because He wont. </span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial; font-weight: bold;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial; font-weight: bold;">I've doubted His power. And He loves me too much and His name is too holy to let that doubt corrupt my view of Him. He is truth. There are no lies in Him.</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial; font-weight: bold;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial; font-weight: bold;">So, yes. </span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial; font-weight: bold;">God wont give when I doubt, but what even started that doubt? </span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial; font-weight: bold;">I'm still trying to dig this up in myself.</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial; font-weight: bold;">But, I know the characteristics of God, and the biggest one in all of the Word is love.</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial; font-weight: bold;">I know He loves me.</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial; font-weight: bold;">I know He has a purpose and a future for me.</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial; font-weight: bold;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial; font-weight: bold;">Honestly, I'm sick of cutting short the promises of God in my life because of my unbelief. </span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial; font-weight: bold;">I want to live with absolute faith in the Almighty.</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial; font-weight: bold;">That power destroyed death, I will not hold onto what has already been destroyed for me.</span></div><div><br /></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4077578958791728588.post-30409385962545323042009-10-06T19:42:00.000-07:002009-10-06T20:13:18.167-07:00Confidence.<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial; font-weight: bold;">The Lord has been showing me something that is contagious among all peoples. Something that will make people follow and will make people walk of verbal and literally cliffs if someone appears to possess it. </span><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial; font-weight: bold;">
<br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial; font-weight: bold;">Confidence. </span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial; font-weight: bold;">
<br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial; font-weight: bold;">Look at every leader. Obama, Hitler, Mother Teresa, Billy Graham, anyone.</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial; font-weight: bold;">Everyone follows them because of their confident nature and manner. Rarely will anyone follow someone who isn't very assured of what they believe or wont believe in their cause if they do not stand on it firmly. Even if they're completely wrong in every sense of the word, People are sucked into confidence. </span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial; font-weight: bold;">
<br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial; font-weight: bold;">How does this apply to our relationship to the Father?</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial; font-weight: bold; ">Do we know who we are in Christ?</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial; font-weight: bold; ">Do we know our purpose and mission?</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial; font-weight: bold; ">If so, are we standing on it like a solid rock that the Word says Jesus is, or do we treat it more like quick sand?</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial; font-weight: bold;">
<br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial; font-weight: bold; ">The writer of Hebrews had something to say about confidence.</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial; font-weight: bold; ">3:13-15-<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Charis SIL'; font-weight: normal; "><sup class="versenum" id="en-NIV-29993" style="font-size: 0.65em; font-weight: bold; vertical-align: text-top; line-height: normal; ">13</sup>But encourage one another daily, as long as it is called Today, so that none of you may be hardened by sin's deceitfulness. <sup class="versenum" id="en-NIV-29994" style="font-size: 0.65em; font-weight: bold; vertical-align: text-top; line-height: normal; ">14</sup>We have come to share in Christ if we hold firmly till the end the confidence we had at first. <sup class="versenum" id="en-NIV-29995" style="font-size: 0.65em; font-weight: bold; vertical-align: text-top; line-height: normal; ">15</sup>As has just been said: </span></span></div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Charis SIL'; "> "Today, if you hear his voice,
<br /> do not harden your hearts
<br /></span><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial; font-weight: bold; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Charis SIL'; font-weight: normal; "> as you did in the rebellion."<sup class="footnote" value="" href=""#fen-NIV-29995a"" title=""See">a</a>]" style="font-size: 0.75em; line-height: 0.5em; ">[</sup></span> </span>
<br /></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial; font-weight: bold;">
<br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial; font-weight: bold;">4:15-16-<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Charis SIL'; font-weight: normal; "><sup class="versenum" id="en-NIV-30014" style="font-size: 0.65em; font-weight: bold; vertical-align: text-top; line-height: normal; ">15</sup>For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet was without sin. <sup class="versenum" id="en-NIV-30015" style="font-size: 0.65em; font-weight: bold; vertical-align: text-top; line-height: normal; ">16</sup>Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.</span></span></div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana; "><div class="result-text-style-normal" style="font-family: 'Charis SIL', charis, Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; "><p></p></div></span><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial; font-weight: bold;">10:18-20-<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Charis SIL'; font-weight: normal; "><sup class="versenum" id="en-NIV-30136" style="font-size: 0.65em; font-weight: bold; vertical-align: text-top; line-height: normal; ">18</sup>And where these have been forgiven, there is no longer any sacrifice for sin. <sup class="versenum" id="en-NIV-30137" style="font-size: 0.65em; font-weight: bold; vertical-align: text-top; line-height: normal; ">19</sup>Therefore, brothers, since we have confidence to enter the Most Holy Place by the blood of Jesus, <sup class="versenum" id="en-NIV-30138" style="font-size: 0.65em; font-weight: bold; vertical-align: text-top; line-height: normal; ">20</sup>by a new and living way opened for us through the curtain, that is, his body,</span></span></div><div>
<br /></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial; font-weight: bold;">10:35-36-<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Charis SIL'; font-weight: normal; "> <sup class="versenum" id="en-NIV-30153" style="font-size: 0.65em; font-weight: bold; vertical-align: text-top; line-height: normal; ">35</sup>So do not throw away your confidence; it will be richly rewarded. <sup class="versenum" id="en-NIV-30154" style="font-size: 0.65em; font-weight: bold; vertical-align: text-top; line-height: normal; ">36</sup>You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised.</span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Charis SIL';">
<br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;">13:5-7-<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Charis SIL'; font-weight: normal; "><sup class="versenum" id="en-NIV-30231" style="font-size: 0.65em; font-weight: bold; vertical-align: text-top; line-height: normal; ">5</sup>Keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with what you have, because God has said, </span></span></span></div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Charis SIL'; "> "Never will I leave you;
<br /> never will I forsake you." <sup class="versenum" id="en-NIV-30232" style="font-size: 0.65em; font-weight: bold; vertical-align: text-top; line-height: normal; ">6</sup>So we say with confidence,
<br /> "The Lord is my helper; I will not be afraid.
<br /> What can man do to me?"</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana; "><div class="result-text-style-normal" style="font-family: 'Charis SIL', charis, Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; "><p></p></div></span><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Charis SIL';"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial; font-weight: bold;">God has given me so much confidence as of late.</span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial; font-weight: bold;">Not to say I'm one you should follow because my confidence is clearly overwhelming. </span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial; font-weight: bold;">But through trial after trial, revelation after revelation, prayer after prayer, God has come to me, defined me, and made me firm through it. I stand not on who I am, rather the Rock that Christ is. That is a promise of God for me: that I can live firmly and confidently through the Cross. Oh Lord, thank you for picking me out at an early age, so I didn't lose my identity further. </span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial; font-weight: bold;">
<br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial; font-weight: bold;">Where is our confidence in the church...</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial; font-weight: bold;">I know for me, I am often terrified to bring up God in front of certain people, for I want my own image to be glorified rather than Christ. That is sin. </span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial; font-weight: bold;">My image means nothing, compared to the glory that Christ is going to receive on His day. </span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial; font-weight: bold;">
<br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial; font-weight: bold;">I think we, as Christians, are afraid to branch out, to interact with someone who doesn't necessarily agree, and if they don't agree, they might know more about their "beliefs" than us, and the truth is, they probably do. I know if I was to get into an argument with an Atheist, they would probably beat me to a pulp; I wouldn't be able to "prove" the existence of God. But. I could love that person, and serve that person, more than anyone in their life ever has. And as cliche as that sounds, it would invoke a sense of worship, in me and in them. Even though they do not know Him, their souls cry out for Him. </span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial; font-weight: bold;">My point here is, do we have the confidence in our faith to be "proven" "wrong" and it not be defeat? </span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial; font-weight: bold;">
<br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial; font-weight: bold;">I'm not out to argue whether or not my God exists. </span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial; font-weight: bold;">I know He does.</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial; font-weight: bold;">I am a product of His existence. </span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial; font-weight: bold;">
<br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial; font-weight: bold;">I'm out there rather to love. To serve. To be with people. To fulfill my call be there for people and through this, the very character of Christ, who Himself confidently did this, won souls. </span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial; font-weight: bold;">
<br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial; font-weight: bold;">They are not projects. They are people. With emotions and feelings just as you and I.</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial; font-weight: bold;">
<br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial; font-weight: bold;">I have the confidence in who my God is, to know who I am.</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial; font-weight: bold;">If he doesn't exist, then who I know I am doesn't either. </span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial; font-weight: bold;">
<br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial; font-weight: bold;">Friends, like the writer of Hebrews, I urge you not to through this precious gift of confidence away. It will be rewarded. Rather, cultivate it. Use it. Live it in. We have been given EVERYTHING we need for life and godliness. That includes confidence in God, and in ourselves. </span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial; font-weight: bold;">
<br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial; font-weight: bold;">1 John 4:17 </span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial; font-weight: bold;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana; font-weight: normal; ">In this way, love is made complete among us so that we will have <b>confidence</b> on the day of judgment, because in this world we are like him.</span></span></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4077578958791728588.post-1351410190668269392009-10-04T22:56:00.001-07:002009-10-04T22:56:44.784-07:00Jetzt...We begin.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0