The last few weeks have been a whirlwind. Busy and packed and tiring. And in that process of being busy from waking up to going to bed, God really gets to you. God gets to show you, who you really are.
I had little time to process. A lot of the time, I felt like breaking down. So frustrated with myself. Not spending time with the Lord. Keep going and going and going.
One of my roommates said something to me one day that really through me for a loop.
"You're always, going. You never stop."
Yes, I know that. Life's busy. I have to go quickly. I have to do everything quickly. I haven't time to waste, after all, time is a gift from the Lord and I want to be a good steward. I don't have time to sit down and waste time looking at the trees and admiring how people walk, or to be appreciative...
And that is where I had to step back.
Thinking about patterns and habits and how I live. I try to hurry in everything. In the way I walk, the way I eat, the way I sleep even. Very American of me, but I think I have a special case.
I'll pick that theory back up in a second.
But I must add a story that adds in.
One day, we were having sports on one Thursday. I don't like sports. I have woundings from sports. I've never been 'good enough' for sports. So we were going for a run. And it was freezing outside. Its hard for me to run in the cold and I get sick really easily from running in the cold. So I end up walking after trying to run, and was so frustrated. I was telling God all this.
You see, I have many areas in my life where I've given up. Tried, failed, and given up. Sports was one of them. Music, another. Most recently, German. And sometimes, I even feel like that with God.
I was being the clay that asks the Potter, "Why have you made me like this? Why can't I get past this certain area? Why can't my ability in anything grow past amateur?"
I've questioned my salvation a lot these last 3 weeks. I'm not sure if thats good or bad. Maybe both. Regardless, when circumstances around you, make you evaluate how you live and who you are, I think its a great chance for improvement. Especially when it comes to how we look at God.
I was trying to take the fast track, everywhere. Especially with God. And He has continually said to me, "Be still. Wait on me. Wait on God." In scripture, through people, in mundane areas of life.
There isn't a fast way to wait on God.
God is in the heavens, and He does as He pleases.
That doesn't mean we'll all be waiting on God for 5 days before He speaks. I think people think God will talk to us only if we do extremes like that. Or if we go to places like China where its illegal to be a Christian. I think God wants to talk to all of us. Really talk. We can hear His voice. Moses talked with God like a friend, says Exodus 33:11. Why can't we? "God doesn't work like that anymore." I don't believe that. And even if I did, why not? God doesn't change.
I believe, if we slowed down for enough time to appreciate God, and not that simple "Thanks for the sun God!" as we're driving to work, but really reflect on what God has given us and see how He loves us in what He has given us, then we would realize how often God DOES talk to us like Moses.
"God, why have you made me like this?"
and because I said that to God, the Lord, because of His mercy, showed me why I had failed in these areas.
I am impatient.
I did not want to take the time and use the effort to really do what was necessary to increase my ability. In every area. Sports, music, German, God.
And I get wounded from these things. Because I expect them all to be something they can't be. Wisdom would say something around one cannot become an adult within one years life span.
We have to learn the lessons along the way of growing. Sounds like a lame Chinese proverb. But I think its the truth.
I don't appreciate things the way they should be appreciated. I hate that. I want to look at a scene scape, I want to see it the way the Lord does. If the whole earth is full of His glory, shouldn't we pause more often and look at it in depth?
In my speed, I've also seen that I don't really trust people. I'm controlling.
People wont get stuff done the way I want, when I want, so I have to do it myself or micromanage them. I do the same, in fact with God.
What a wicked person I am.
To try and manipulate and control God.
Pride. I think I can do things better than the definition of Creator. I can't be better than the Best. Sorry self.
Truth slap, after truth slap.
I had no clue how to change these areas. I felt stuck. Hopeless. And because there is a spirit of hopelessness that resides in Berlin, it was overwhelming at times.
This last weekend, we as the students here, decided we wanted to pray and fast continually for 24 hours. We aren't that spiritual, dudes. We just felt like we needed to do something together, the 9 of us.
We had shifts of 1 hour. From 10pm-6am we had two people at least to keep each other from falling asleep.
The Lord showed me something, like He always does.
Every time we walked in the room. We started praying. Every single time, that hour, felt like 5 minutes. Every time.
And the Lord took me to 2 Peter.
But do not forget this one thing, dear friends: With the Lord a day is like a thousand years, and a thousand years are like a day. The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise, as some understand slowness. He is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance.
God is patient with me. Through my transgressions, iniquities and sins. Forgiveness is constantly given to me.
Why shouldn't I be patient with God?
Why shouldn't I go wait before God for hours upon hours?
There is no reason.
Our flesh fights every time we go to God. Every time.
Something deep inside me hates it when I pray.
Thats the nature folks.
We still live here, in this fallen world.
And fallen are we.
I had to repent of my movement.
I'd encourage you, my friends. Give God time to speak. And repent for not appreciating everything He's given. He is a good, faithful, and forgiving God.