Contrite.

I don't have anything to give.
Nothing to offer. Nothing to show for.
But I try to prove I do.
I would love for you to believe I can make a difference in the world.
That I have the power to overcome my sin and depravity.
I wish I could.


Oh God, what gift can I bring that you haven't already given me?
I am so envious of what everyone else has, and its stopped You from getting to me.
I want what you've given them. The words, the people, the clothes, the hair, the personality. The likeability.
I want words of man. Ones that don't last.

Why does my heart want these things.

God. I'm so sorry.
I have no words to describe what my heart feels, but you know.
You know the pain within me. The wrestling. But its so much more than that.
Oh God, my spirit groans to be clothed with heaven's splendor and forget this world and its pains and blows.

I have nothing to bring You.

But a life battered and broken. Tattered and torn.
Ripped and shredded.

Oh God, when you found me, I was wallowing in my blood.
I was in imminent death. Life kept slowly bleeding out. More and more.

And when I heard your voice.
I didn't think it would've come with the power that it did.
But my life couldn't stay in this promise of destruction.
You had something else in mind.

Oh death, where is thy sting?
Jesus Christ has laid you to rest.
He has conquered the grave and forced sin to submit.
Freedom for those who have been so robbed of it.

If we all took a step back to see who we are without Christ, we would all melt with the fear of God and the anticipation of judgement.

Jesus, what did you really do for me 2000 years ago?
Because I just don't get it.
Not yet.
Because I know, if I really got it, I wouldn't be living like this.

I'm so jealous of the way other people have experienced You.
And I feel like I've only scratched the surface.
I'm obviously more spiritual than them. Doesn't that mean I should be encountering You more than them?

Or is that completely wrong?
And in fact, is that mentality the one that drives you further and further from me?

I mean, God, look at me.
I don't do things like the wordly.
I don't have one night stands. I don't take drugs. I don't get drunk. I don't kill. I don't rob. I don't. I don't. I don't...
Doesn't that make me worth something in your eyes?
Doesn't that give me value?
I mean, common. I'm doing a Discipleship TRAINING School. Which is only meant for the most spiritual of the spiritual.
And in a place surrounded by unholiness and needs for You, or me.

I think I'm still capable of these things.
I infact, am able.

But God, you know what?
I think I'm sick of being overwhelmed by the weight of my sin.
Its no longer my burden to carry.

Its time to repent, and move on. Having my fixed on You, Jesus, pressing on to make this faith my own.
'Cause Jesus, You made me Yours.

You are jealous for me in a way I can't understand.
If Jesus, being Your one and only real Son, couldn't do anything without You,
how can I, a product of adoption, expect to be able to put my pants on every morning without You?

I don't understand my sin.
Because it just doesn't make any freaking sense.

God, I've got so many questions.
And I know you've got the answers.
But, I want to lay these aside, because I know along the way, You'll answer these questions.
I will lack nothing I need.

I just can't really get over You right now.
I can't stop writing.

God, I don't want to be better than anyone anymore. I don't want to try for that.
I don't want to prove myself anymore.
I don't want to want what others have anymore.

I want to enjoy what I'm given.
You don't have favorites. You love your children all equal.
And I think for the first time, I'm ready to accept that.

This brings all new meaning to my life.
I'm pretty sure.

Friends.
This is my last writing for a couple months
Its something I needed to write.
Pray for us while we're in Mozambique and South Africa.
We need it.
And we are nothing great at all. Nothing.
But God has plans for His people.
And we are His people.
We'll see things happen because the Lord wills it.
Not because of something we are.
Africa will kill my envy. My pride. My sin.
Time to be refined.

I bid you all a pleasant two months.

things you don't wanna see.

I left the Springs three months ago, more excited about Berlin than about outreach.
Berlin was the only thing I could think about.
And now. My time left in Berlin is almost over. Less than two weeks left.
I cannot believe its here already. Its almost like us students are begging God for more time.
We don't feel like we've grown. We know we have, but we can't see it. yet.
I left home 12 weeks ago with a message from the Lord about outreach.

"Taylor, you're going to see things on outreach that you don't want to see. That no one wants to see. But no matter what, do not fear. Even when you want to be afraid. Do not fear."

Never in my life did I think this would be in Africa.
Or that I would be a missionary in such a place. A dark, hard, beautiful mesh of land.
We all hear about the troubles that Africa has experienced.

Orphans. AIDS. Widows. War. Child soldiers. and the like...

I've always heard that the "real" missionaries go to Africa. And personally, I never had the desire. I thought so many times, "I hate how everyone just goes to Africa and ignores the other places on earth." Which I still agree with, but my heart was hard because of all the suffering in Africa that had been exposed to me.
There is great need in this place.

So many people dying.
So many people sick.
So many people hurt.
So many people.

People who know brokenness.
People who know death.
People who know evil.
People who know injustice.

The least of these.
The scum of the earth.
The place that everyone all over the world looks upon, and expresses pity.

This is unreal. And I'm not only going to see this. I'm going to experience it. 12 weeks among a people who have the most incredible stories ever told, and many of them are only 1/3 of my age. They've lost it all. And its not like that had much to begin with. But they have nothing.


And what can I, a westerner with a simple desire to know God, do to help these people?

Nothing.
Just as Jesus could do nothing by Himself (John 5:30).

You see, when I found out we were going to Mozambique and South Africa, something in my heart changed.
An anticipation filled my heart. Excitement. Eagerness.
A readiness.

In 10 days, I fly out of Frankfurt, to Qatar, to Johannesburg. Then by bus to Maputo.

This is crazy, I am only an 18 year old punk who got of high school almost a year ago (its almost already been a year?!).
Why am I doing this? HOW am I doing this?
I can't describe the incredible awe of God's grace in this situation.

But I know I have purpose and mission there.
And by the grace of God, I am what I am.
I'm going to see things I don't want to see.

Movement II.

My own words judge me.
I just read my own blog. Movement.
And. I don't know to say it in any other way, than those words were a seed choked in my own heart.

God, in all His tenderness and affection, again, is telling me to slow down.
Praise God for His steadfast love. It endures forever. It overcomes our mistakes, and reaches us.

There is no condemnation for those who are in Christ.
And this includes self-condemnation.
It must end here.

"Today if you hear His voice, do not harden your' hearts, as you did in the rebellion."
Hebrews 3-4.
This is written three times in these two passages.
Unbelievable.
I hear that, in Hebrew (even though this was written in Greek), when something is written three times, it implies extreme emphasis.

Its time to hold fast to the word of the Lord.

We had a speaker this week, who was incredible. She talked about prayer, the Trinity, salvation and quite a few other things.
For me, specifically. She said, "Taylor. You need to stop looking down. You need to stop focussing on you. Look up. Look at Jesus."

During one of our sessions, she began to talk about how the move of God, is movement.
God moves at just the right time. But, the movement of the Spirit, is one that comes to us and returns back inside the Trinity. God. Meaning God is making us one with Him.

We talked about holiness a lot this week. Letting the fullness of God dwell in us, like Paul prays in Ephesians 3:19.
Christ had the fullness of God. Colossians 1:19 says it was pleased to be within Him.
Looks like that same fullness of God, is able to dwell in us.

What?

Yeah, I just said that.
God, in His FULLNESS, can dwell in us. We can be holy here and now.

But this blog isn't about holiness.

Its about slowing down.

Its about resting. Its about enjoying God. Enjoying your life with Him.

I'm guilty of making God a task, like cleaning a toilet.
I'm guilty of making relationship obligation.
I'm guilty of believing lies about the character of God.

God moves. He breathes. He brings rest. He does stuff.
But He also rests.

I see how people get burned out. And if I didn't have people in my life (even showing me more so, the importance of community), I would be headed there again.
But because I know people who care for me, and know me and know God. God is able to speak through them, when I don't pay attention to Him.
I'm also guilty of grieving the Holy Spirit.

Hebrews 3:7-4:13 is a passage that talks about the Israelites, and how they, in the place of testing, ignored God.
Do not harden your hearts.
As you once did.
This is another chance. Another test.
Do not harden your hearts, if you hear Him.
Don't believe you don't hear Him.
Don't ignore the smallest whisper which, in your mind, can barely be hard.
If you hear His voice, do not harden your hearts.

Its in hearing His voice, not listening to it through one's own hardness, and acting in disobedience that the writter of Hebrews describes. They couldn't enter the rest of God because of unbelief.
And if man could've given them rest, aka Joshua, God wouldn't have said to them "Today,..." implying another time.
He brings rest.

I'm not talking about being a work-a-holic.
I'm talking about life with God.

How many of us are guilty of saying,
"I'll read three chapters of this book of the Bible, pray for this long, and 'God-time' is over."
Many. But we all know, that isn't relationship.
Relationship says,
"I'll go hang out with this person at this time. And we'll hang out till we're done."
Sure, there are time limits. But that freedom we give our time with people, we need to give to God.

And God lives outside of those God-times.
He is living, breathing. We can't compartmentalize Him.

And you know what.
I'm done saying what we can do, and can't do. Those are destined to parish with use.

Its time to explore relationship with God in freedom. Free for freedom's sake.
It is time to fix our eyes on the founder and PERFECTER of our faith.
Steadfastly.

I'm done looking at what I'm doing wrong, because when I fix my eyes on Jesus, what I'm doing wrong has no power or authority. I'm attracted to that, which makes me who I really am.

Slowing down enough to hear the voice of God.
To recognize it. To grow familiar with it.

Today, if you hear His voice. Do not harden your hearts.
And encourage each other, holding one another accountable, as long as it is called "Today."
So that none of us may be hardened by the deceitfulness of sin.
We know Christ, if we hold fast to this, till the end.
Finish the race with me friends.

We can't do this alone.