Thursday, January 28, 2010


God, really isn't difficult.
God, really isn't hard to understand in the concept of getting to know Him.

But we make it that way.

Things are getting settled here. We're having orientation week, having some basic courses on stuff like intimacy with God, intercession, and evangelism and the like. I've been reminded of a lot of things I've let slip from my mind. Thank you, Jesus, for reminding me off them.

I've missed home.
More than I should I think.
There have been times I've been dying just to speak with people back home.
I thought about pulling onto Briargate Pkwy from my house, and missed it. I wanted to do that.
I've missed singing in my car, driving with the windows down.
I've missed boba.
I've missed Starbucks, interacting with people and drinking coffee all the time (I still do that).
I've missed ice. How I long for really, REALLY cold mountain springs fresh water.

And do you know what keeps coming to mind?
Philippines 3:7-10.

I keep hearing God say, "count it loss."
"Count it loss compared to knowing me here. In this city. In Berlin, Germany. Count it loss. "

God, what about the people I love with all of my being? I miss them and I don't know if I can go on without them.

"Count it loss."

What else am I living for, I mean really.
Wife. Kids. Job? People?
This life is so, not worth it.

Count it loss.

This city. Where I'm at. Sooooo much has happened here.
More than just a wall being built to divide the city.
More than just hatred and angst towards people groups.

This city has known pain, far better than most other places all over the globe.
I heard it said today that, 7 out of 10 women in Berlin had been raped multiple times during WWII. Thats 70% of the population of females. In a city of probably around 2 million people.
Thats ridiculous.

Thats just one fact. I heard that 120,000 jews used to live in Berlin before WWII.
After. Maybe 5,000.

This city, is a mini-scale of Europe.
There are about 210 countries in the world.
Berlin has original peoples from around 160 of them.
160 nations represented, and so many haven't ever heard of Jesus.

Guys, this is going to be huge. The Lord wants to really pour out on this city, and as He does, these people will bring it back with them.
Nation, by nation will see Jesus.

SO much potential to see so much change.
I've received vision for it, the staff here feels very very very very similar.
And I'm more concerned about missing people back home?
Staying on skype instead of staying in prayer?
Waring for internet connection instead of waring for souls?

Such sin.
And I kept running from my purposes here.

I once was praying for Berlin. And the words "Lord, let Berlin be a Nineveh that once her sin is shown her, she can't help but run too you and repent!" just came out of my mouth. I felt that was the Spirit talking.

I believe that, if Berlin is Nineveh, I must surely be Jonah.
I have many Tarshishs I've been running too.
Many areas where my time is taken from me.
And I'm not living up to my calling here.

And I tell you something.
Thats as scary as hell to me. That I would do that here.
Who am I to refuse God.

I think thats the thing about sin. Sin robs us of pleasure. God will still bless us, regardless of sin. But, instead of being able to really rejoice and thank God for what we've been given, we feel guilt and shame. Sin robs us of the pleasure of rejoicing with God.

I've been so worried about people around me, and impatient and hoping that I would be able to bond with them right away.
And in my impatient frustration, I've set my expectations too high.

I was praying last night, asking God for help and how can I do this.
I was reminded of 1 Chronicles 28:20-21
You should read the whole chapter.

Then David said to Solomon his son, "Be strong and courageous and do it. Do not be afraid and do not be dismayed, for the LORD God, even my God, is with you. He will not leave you or forsake you, until all the work for the service of the house of the Lord is finished. And behold the divisions of the priests and the Levites for all the service of the house of God; and with you in all the work will be every willing man who has skill for any kind of service; also the officers and all the people will be wholly at your command."

People skilled in any and everything will be with you.
God's provided just the right people for me.

I think there is a lot of pride in anxiety.
thinking that we could do it better and not trusting God to do it the right way.
But. I'm a prideful selfish man.

Thank God for His grace and mercy on me.
He is so beyond good to me.

We need your prayers over here folks.
Intercede for Berlin. For Germany.
For the people.
Pray Jesus revealed. Pray the pain would be met with comfort and gentleness.

I think we're all going to be part of this, in one form or another. Not just me.

God, really loves me.
And I want to wear Psalms 42.
Not searching for time to be on my computer.
Searching for time to fill up praying. Knowing God. Learning His heart.

Jesus is all we have, fellow children.
I will not pretend to have anything else that matters anymore.

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Ich habe heute mich gefunden.

I remember.
I remember what I loved about this city.
I remember the burden the Lord laid on my heart.

I found myself today.

Ich vermisse jeder, aber muss ich weiter ohne sie.
Und ich weiß nicht warum bin ich hier, aber Gott weißt, und nur er.

Heute, erinnere ich mich.

Ich habe heute die Stadt besichtigen.
For your sake, that'll be the last of the German.
Some of the very famous touristy places. Places I had been before. Places normal people go.
Its funny, the closer and closer you get to these places, the more english you here. Well done, America.

I started the day off by buying a day ticket for all public trans, so I could get around easily enough. Trams, subways, and busses all awaited me.
It was cold today.
Not just cold, cold. Windy cold.
I took some Pictures. If my photographer friends were here, they'd probably freak out.

Before today, I'd been slightly discouraged. My German was terrible, I didn't get out to do anything, I got lost my first time out alone, I've been sick, etc...
Stupid things I let get to my head.

I decided to go to Alexanderplatz first. I heard it was awesome, and a lot of people go there, and it was easy to get too.
I get to a station called Ostkreuz, and am trying to figure out which train to take, because I can take 4 different ones that all lead me in the right direction.
After missing I'm sure, 3 trains, I find the exact one I want, and as I'm waiting, I hear the lady in the wheel chair behind me ask for me to help her onto the subway.
I say gladly.
And I proceed to talk to her in German. I tell her what I'm doing in Berlin, and ask her about her life.
Side note, most Germans would've helped her. But they wouldn't have talked to her. The people here don't talk to strangers without prompt. Not like us in America. Even if they're doing something for the other.

So as I apologize for my terrible German and such, she asks me,
"So you're really interested in us Germans?"
I say definitely.

And a tear rolls down her cheek.

I continue talking to her and we exit on the same station.
I find a Starbucks (creature of habit), and start to journal. Than I realize something.
I have exactly what I wanted. Ich habe genau was habe ich gewollt.
And I've been so blinded by sadness of leaving,
that I forgot the joy of coming.

I love this place.
I love the people (well, most).
I love the culture (well, most).
I wanted to move her six months ago.
I moved here six months later.
What love, has the Lord bestowed on me, that I receive my hearts desire.
And I don't eternally rejoice for it...
I'm guilty of great sin.
Forgive me, Father.
My loss is counted just to know you. What joy it is to know you.

I went to Potsdammer Platz which is a huge shopping place/theater and walked around.
Then to the Brandenburg Gate. To the Reichstag. To Tegel (and unfortunately the ice cream shop we often visited in June is closed to February). To back home.
I made friends with these two dudes who work at a 24 hour Döner Kebap shop in Tegel.
It'll be interesting to see how that goes.

Everybody here smokes. Everybody here drinks. Everybody here is silently in pain.
Everybody here looks cold, all the time. Regardless of seasons.
Joy is unusual.
Love is corrupt.
Peace is mistaken.
Patience is useless.
Kindness is rare.
Gentleness is impossible.
Faithfulness is unheard of.
Self-Control is unnecessary.

Hope is nonexistent.

And friends, thats not just Germany. Thats the nature we all carry with us.

The Spirit, of the Sovereign Lord, is on me.
And I cannot keep silent anymore.
And I can't be all about my convenience anymore.
Germany needs healing.
So many hurt. So many wounded. So many dying.
They want the healing, they just do not know how to receive it.

And they wont believe in God, unless they see Him.
I believe, their desire to see Him, is not one of rebellion and disbelief.
Its one of wanting to know for certain what is what because they have been lied to, and deceived so many times.

And I believe the Father is going to honor that.
And reveal Himself.
Joel 2:28-32.

28 "And afterward,
I will pour out my Spirit on all people.
Your sons and daughters will prophesy,
your old men will dream dreams,
your young men will see visions.

29 Even on my servants, both men and women,
I will pour out my Spirit in those days.

30 I will show wonders in the heavens
and on the earth,
blood and fire and billows of smoke.

31 The sun will be turned to darkness
and the moon to blood
before the coming of the great and dreadful day of the LORD.

32 And everyone who calls
on the name of the LORD will be saved;
for on Mount Zion and in Jerusalem
there will be deliverance,
as the LORD has said,
among the survivors
whom the LORD calls.

The Lord is calling Germany.
And they're beginning to call back.

Friends. I ask you to join with me in prayer for Berlin and overall Germany.
That their guilt and shame would ultimately make them seek the ultimate Healer.
And that they would be healed.

I found myself in all of this today. Not only me, but also the Lord.
And He is here, with me.

Sunday, January 17, 2010


I'm here. In Berlin.

Am I excited?
Trying to be.
Am I scared?
Trying not to be.

This is hard, guys. A lot harder than I anticipated. My thoughts keep revolving around home. The people back there. How I miss them.

Cynicism sets in, and I think thoughts like, "Who am I?" "What am I doing here?" "What was I thinking?" and "I want to go home."

I'm in a completely different culture, and people speak a completely different language.
Its not like I moved to Texas, which would be frightening enough.
I moved to the capital of another COUNTRY. Berlin, Germany.


And I still can't take credit for all of it. The way the Lord worked it out.
He has to have something in mind for all this, I keep reminded myself.
Rather, the Holy Spirit reminds me.

Talking with Helio and Michael and Fabi about the move of the Spirit here, and its already happening. I love that.

But not more than I love myself.
You see, I'm pretty selfish.
I would've been perfectly content in Colorado, working at 'Bucks, living in an apartment, hanging with people. And I would say I hate it, because many aspects of it, I hate.

But God wouldn't let me spend me on me.
He knew what would break me. He knew what would make me depend completely on Him.
I even had to give an early goodbye to my loved ones, because of plane switch arounds. Pissed me off. But I wonder if the Lord was in that, somehow.
Its funny, because as soon as I leave, my friends back home get convicted about friend-idolatry.
I read Audrey's blog, and get convicted myself. (Bee tee dub, read it.

Its not a fun game.
I think I realize now, that life isn't about me.
And now that God is all I have to hold on to, especially this next week I have alone, I cry like David in the sense of, "Don't be far from me, my God! You alone can deliver me!"

Psalm 22. David feels completely forgotten by God. But He still yet chooses to praise Him.
His words in verse 3 are, "Yet you are holy, enthroned on the praises of Israel."

God is above all of this.
Above my fear.
Above my desire for my friends and family back home.
Above me.

On the praises of your people, O God, do you sit and look down upon me.
Outstretch your grace and mercy to me, for my eyes fail me.

Hearing "You Wont Relent" in German, just hit me.
...Mein Herz ist Dein.
I'm here. And God is here. Same God. Different people.

I got lost today. For a good 3 hours after Gemeinde Auf Dem Weg.

I didn't freak at first. And not until I just went the wrong direction on a train close to the end, did I start to freak out and worry.
I hate being human.
Especially one who can worry a lot.
Because God takes care of His people.
I'm fine, I made it back and all warm and stuff.
But I don't get it. Why do I do these things I hate?

God's words through Josh Thursday keep ringing in my ears.
Fear not, for I am with you.
Fear not, like the command. Not like a hey don't worry bout it.
No like, Taylor, DO NOT fear.

Isaiah 41:10
"...fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."
I keep looking at the buildings, the apartments and stores, for familiarity.
But mostly, they all look the same.
I keep looking at my emotions, sadness and joy, for God.
But my feelings for the moment, all feel the same.

Its the knowledge of the buildings that tell me where I am.
Its the knowledge of the Word and of God that tell me He is close.
And will never leave.

God, I need joy in this loss.
...I need strength to count this all as loss, just to know Christ.

Buildings are hollow, and so are my feelings.
But my God is strong and full.

Someone I barely know, sent me this on Facebook right after I left.

"I had no idea you were moving to Germany. None whatsoever.

But I had this dream about you last night.

You had cuts and bruises all over your body and it seemed as though your limbs were broken and everyone around you was telling you that you needed to get to a doctor and be taken care of but you kept refusing saying, "I need to be broken, I need to be broken all is well" over and over. And there was so much chaos around you. Everyone was running around and yelling and telling you that you could not remain in the state you were in but you were so calm and so at peace. It was all over your face... You knew...

And that's all you said over and over and over... "I need to be broken, I need to be broken all is well"

I woke up and sort of pushed the dream out of my head... But then I got a Twitter update from Josh Cuchiara about you leaving... And I was like... Huh?

So I uh, facebook stalked you and read your blog and was just amazed.

I really don't have anything else to say except... Godspeed to you.
God's blessings and provisions to you for your obedience...

Isaiah 66:14-16 (Message)
You'll see all this and burst with joy... you'll feel ten feet tall...
As it becomes apparent that God is on your side...


All is well..."

No one said this would be easy.
Why the hell did I expect it to be.
My hope was in me.
And that wont even work this time around.
Lets face it folks, we all know I can't do anything.

Now, I'm forced to put all my hope in God.
And in that hope, there is the assurance that He WILL never let me go.

Faith sets in, and I think thoughts like, "God, who are you?" "God, what are you doing here?" "God, what are you thinking?"and "God, I want to go to you."

Now, to wait upon the Lord for these answers, and many others.

Saturday, January 2, 2010


I have a story to tell.
A story of God's grace and faithfulness.
I thought it appropriate to write out what the Lord is doing, in me, and how me moving to Berlin actually came to be.

In Revival Town one night, I was in the meeting with many others. It seemed like type a prayer meeting. Worsh, prayer, worsh, prayer. But. Towards the end. Fabian and Kathrin Heinze walked up on stage, preparing to pray for their nation, Deutschland. As Fabi gave background as to how to pray for Germany, for spiritual fathers, everyone's heart united and began to break for Germany. Launching into prayer in their native tongue, my heart exploded.
I cannot describe it.
It wasn't just cool to hear someone pray in another language.
It wasn't just powerful because the God they serve is the same one I serve (even though this is unquenchably powerful).

God was stirring my heart for the next step.

I heard tag was going to Germany at the end of June that night.
I felt strongly that I was supposed to go.
Since I felt like I wasn't made for "Missions" I didn't think a missions trip was in my alley.

The next day, Kayla, my best friend, signed up for the trip. I didn't even mention Germany to her. Now I didn't want to go because she was going and make it seem that was the reason I was going, but I felt the impression harder. GO. GO. GO.

I signed up. I went home that night telling my parents I was going.
Started learning German.

I signed up rather late, so a good chunk of the money was due in the next week. A good chunk being half of the $1500.
And I didn't even have my passport

I am terrible at saving money. Absolute wretched at it. But. Because I was planning a trip to Seattle that Summer, I was saving. I had a little bit over $900.
Just enough to get my passport, and pay half of the deposit.

I wrote support letters. I worked.
And the money kept flowing in.
The Lord used it for others.
It just kept coming in from random places.
The dollar sign means nothing to God.

Through the preparation of the team, and uniting together to pray for Berlin, and Gemeinde Auf Dem Weg, I just felt the Lord working on my character. Defining me.

One night, when we all had a spend the night deal at the prayer center, I felt like God told me He made me to be a reclaimer. Someone who calls back those who have wandered far.

By God's grace. Not my own ability.

God ordained so much. From scriptures being shared with others, to finance, to fellowship, all of it. By His hands.

Berlin finally came.

My heart was broken right in front of me, for a people so desperate for hope.
Looking at every feasible corner for some antidote for their guilt that was not their own.
Alcoholism. Homosexuality. Pornography. Partying. Work. Study.
Vice. Bondage. Sin. Chains.
German people carry the great guilt of millions of lives.
And the current generation's grandparents paved the way for it.
They can do nothing to offer for retribution. They alone must sit in the guilt.
No grace. No mercy. Simple condemnation and shame.

But somehow in all of this.
I knew Berlin was home.
More than Colorado Springs had ever been to me.

I knew I would be moving there, from the moment my feet touched German concrete.

If I were to describe that trip by itself, it would be a whole other blog.
God moved and moves.

When I told people I was moving back, they told me I wasn't. They said it wouldn't happen. That it was just feeling of excitement of my first missions trip. It would go away eventually.

It never did. Still hasn't.

But through the tortuous longs for Germany, I made plans elsewhere. I had doubts, and followed them at first.
The Furnace looked appealing. And I felt like it had to offer what I wanted. Community.

"The counterfeit comes before the real."

One day before the Furnace application was due, New Life was showing the long term missionaries that they sponsor. Fabi and Kathrin came up.
And as soon as I saw them on the screen, the Spirit of God overwhelmed me.
And the clearest words I feel like God has said to me were spoken.
"You're going back."

Amazed, I didn't know what to think of it all. I figured fall of 2010 was when, after the Furnace and all.


The next day, as I asked my parents for the check to pay the application fee for the Furn, they told me something that shocked me.

"We don't want you to do something with New Life. We want you out of your comfort zone..."
I didn't have the parental blessing. Huge deal.

People told me to apply anyways. My dad mentioned YWAM.
And when he did, my mind rushed to thoughts of others asking me if I was planning on doing YWAM in Berlin. In fact, I met someone in Berlin who was a Berliner, doing DTS in Berlin.

Confusion followed.
But the God ordainedness through it amazed me.
I didn't work the next few days, totally God.
I got to process with Kayla almost immediately. God.
Brent was sick the first time we tried to meet. So we rescheduled.
I wanted wisdom outside of my rents, and the other two men I would go to were living life with family and busy. But, God, knowing my needs and taking care of me, scheduled my meeting with Brent the day after all this. God.
God gave me new friends after Kayla and Lena left that were TRUE community. GOD.

Brent shared so much valuable wisdom with me. I am so grateful for what the Lord did in that conversation. It motivated me. I was challenged to step in faith.
Romans 4 in the message translation was a big passage of scripture through this for me.
Abraham walked, and trusted God to set him right. Not to be right on his own.
Abraham, the greatest example of faith, acted in faith.
And received promise because of it.

I'm not Abraham. But I have learned and am still learning a lot from him.

I emailed the YWAM base.
Got info. And just got excited.

I applied.
I got accepted, even though I worried beyond belief.

I started preparation.
I bought my one-way plane ticket for $500.
DIA to Charlotte to Frankfurt to Berlin.

Because my mindset is one of human nature, and not yet of God, money was my biggest concern.
$5000+ in less than 4 months. I couldn't do it.
There was no way.

On tag retreat, I felt the Lord specifically tell me not to send out support letters this time around.
I obeyed.

I freaked out constantly. Worrying about money and provision.
But through random people. God provided little by little.
$50 here, $20 there.
I was so thankful. But all of it still didn't measure to much.
Not nearly enough.

Through all of this. The Lord just began to break me.
Showing me all my dependance and hope and trust is in me, and those around me.
Not Him.
And for the last 3 months, God has been having His way with me.
Destroying all my realities of Him.
Wrecking my view of me. And more so of Him.

All Him. By His hands.

This finally bumps us up more to speed.
For DTS, I had to be insured inside of Germany.
The only way that could happen, was if my dad's work would cover me, and somehow consider YWAM higher education.
They consider it higher education. I'm insured.
HUGE deal. God is faithful.

I still around this point, only have $900 ish.
Not nearly the $2240 I need for the lecture phase, due Jan. 22.

Hey guys.
God is faithful.
God is faithful.
GOD is faithful.
God IS faithful.

Since my dad's job is considering YWAM higher ed, they can dip into a fund for that education to help provide they way.


We had no clue.
After Christmas, I had $3500.
Enough to cover the first section. Incredible.

God has provided for me in the small things.
From chap stick to coffee tumblers.
Clothes to $2300.

I still need more money.
But because I know He is faithful, I know it will come at just the right time.

So. In 13 days, the great return to Berlin will be made.
I am absolutely amazed by God.
Who He is.
How He is.
What He is.
Why He is.
He is.

Germany will be changed.
Not because of my going.
Because of God's jealousy for His people.

There is so much more to the story. Because its His.
There is so much more to be written. He already wrote it.

I am nothing without Jesus.
Mere dirt, without the Spirit.
And it is He who empowers.
I'm humbled and honored to make my way to such an incredible place.
That He, would choose me.
That He loves me.
That He intertwines the desires of my heart into His will for me.

Here I am, Lord.
A mere servant. Here for You. And the work of Your hands.

God is faithful.