Friday, December 25, 2009


Today, I can boast about me.
Even today. Of all days. In remembrance of what the Lord Jesus has done for me.
That this. All of this. Around me, surrounding me. The evil. The hurt. The pain. The death. The sin. The depravity. Christ saved me, from all of the above.
And that isn't even mentioning any description of hell...

Deine Gnade ist alles um mich herum.
Ohne Dich bin Ich nichts.
Du, Herr. Nur Du.
Du hast mir retten.

Subconscious Decompression:
I credit my salvation to me.
My faith is in me. My trust is in me. My hope is in me. My confidence is in my own hands. I bring goodness to God.
Christ died for me, and that was nice and all, but I was good enough without Him.
I worked hard enough. My labor was long and hard.
I earned my redemption.
God had better save me, if He is a just God.
I'm a pretty big deal.

And just like that. My entitlement, and my cancerous pride that keeps me so blind to reality, kept me from seeing me, begun to be destroyed.

Lord, humble me. Lord, break me.
Little did I know this would happen.
Little did I know, that when this random lady told me the Lord was going to break me even more to prepare me for Germany, would it happen.

Wow, God stands by what He says and answers prayers. I would've never known by the way I treated Him.

I forgot the height from which I fell. That we all, are the same. That I have the same nature as the murder, the rapist, the child molester, the corrupt politician, the anything. We are the same.
How dare I think myself better.
How dare I call my salvation an obligation.

I did not work and could not work hard enough to earn it.
My boasting was in vain.

I am no good.
I am disposable to the Lord.
He doesn't need me.
He could send someone else to Berlin.
He has 6 billion people to choose from.

In my self exaltation, I failed to see Jesus. The precious blood. God who died for me.
I still fail to see Him the way I should.

My walk is merely an outward proclamation for all of you too see how much holier I am than you. Aloneness with God is unheard of. I want you to see and talk about how devoted I am.

I am a pharisee.
If Jesus were to come to me, I would've been among those who eventually crucified Him.

In fact, I did. My sins. My trespasses. My faults. My flaws.

Jesus looked at me.
Saw me as I am.
God of everything.
Who formed me, who knows my every thought and the whispers of my heart.
Who loved me more than I will every grasp or imagine.
Who is worthy of all the adoration human kind has to offer, before He even sent Jesus.

God humbled Himself.
He could've came as a tree. He could've came as a goat. A mountain even.
He came as a human. And not even as a person of great splendor, in the way our eyes measure splendor. Born in the ghetto practically. With animals around.

Anything but glamorous.

God did that.

I'm never going to get the full weight of it all.

What credit do I have to claim before God.
LORD, forgive me for trying to be anything before You by my owns means.

EVERYTHING I have is a gift.
My life. My body. My family. My friends. My money. My job. My car. My ___.

All of it.
I wasn't only the servant who buried the talent given to him. I spent on the petty, and the material. I wasn't even the worst! I am worst than the worst! My stewardship is mockery of God.

I can't even believe how I must've grieved the heart of God.
Missing the point. To arrogant to care, because I figured God out, as if He has a limit.

When the Lord started to show me all this, I began to freak out. Fear, anxiety, helplessness.

Because all my foundation was on me. Sand.
Not on the Rock, with Christ as the chief corner stone.

I couldn't do anything, to fix, anything.
Time was out of my hands. Control. Also out of my hands.
Helpless. And I was so frustrated and felt so alone and desperate.
In a sense, drowning in my own blood.
Oh, my God's love for me and how it reveals itself in miraculous ways.

The Lord continues to destroy the self pretense I've created.
I can't be god in my life anymore. And He knows it.
HE loves me to much to let it go on.

For that, I love Him.
That good in His eyes, the true good, is not my idea of good.
Thank God. Because we prideful people. We all hope we aren't right deep down. Because we don't want to be end all. The top person. The smartest, strongest, or any kind of word that ends in -est.

The Lord is God.

Isaiah 43.

A year ago. I was so desperately alone and without God. I was abandoned, so I abandoned.

One day, as I was reading the Word, in doubt of His love I asked God to reveal to me where He says He loves me. God actually saying it. Not Paul. Not John. Not Luke. God.

God answers prayers doods.

"Because I love you...'

Recently. The Lord has brought me back to it.

Isaiah 43

Israel's Only Savior
1 But now, this is what the LORD says—
he who created you, O Jacob,
he who formed you, O Israel:
"Fear not, for I have redeemed you;
I have summoned you by name; you are mine.

2 When you pass through the waters,
I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers,
they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire,
you will not be burned;
the flames will not set you ablaze.

3 For I am the LORD, your God,
the Holy One of Israel, your Savior;
I give Egypt for your ransom,
Cush and Seba in your stead.

4 Since you are precious and honored in my sight,
and because I love you,
I will give men in exchange for you,
and people in exchange for your life.

5 Do not be afraid, for I am with you;
I will bring your children from the east
and gather you from the west.

6 I will say to the north, 'Give them up!'
and to the south, 'Do not hold them back.'
Bring my sons from afar
and my daughters from the ends of the earth-

7 everyone who is called by my name,
whom I created for my glory,
whom I formed and made."

8 Lead out those who have eyes but are blind,
who have ears but are deaf.

9 All the nations gather together
and the peoples assemble.
Which of them foretold this
and proclaimed to us the former things?
Let them bring in their witnesses to prove they were right,
so that others may hear and say, "It is true."

10 "You are my witnesses," declares the LORD,
"and my servant whom I have chosen,
so that you may know and believe me
and understand that I am he.
Before me no god was formed,
nor will there be one after me.

11 I, even I, am the LORD,
and apart from me there is no savior.

12 I have revealed and saved and proclaimed—
I, and not some foreign god among you.
You are my witnesses," declares the LORD, "that I am God.

13 Yes, and from ancient days I am he.
No one can deliver out of my hand.
When I act, who can reverse it?"

God's Mercy and Israel's Unfaithfulness
14 This is what the LORD says—
your Redeemer, the Holy One of Israel:
"For your sake I will send to Babylon
and bring down as fugitives all the Babylonians,
in the ships in which they took pride.

15 I am the LORD, your Holy One,
Israel's Creator, your King."

16 This is what the LORD says—
he who made a way through the sea,
a path through the mighty waters,

17 who drew out the chariots and horses,
the army and reinforcements together,
and they lay there, never to rise again,
extinguished, snuffed out like a wick:

18 "Forget the former things;
do not dwell on the past.

19 See, I am doing a new thing!
Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?
I am making a way in the desert
and streams in the wasteland.

20 The wild animals honor me,
the jackals and the owls,
because I provide water in the desert
and streams in the wasteland,
to give drink to my people, my chosen,

21 the people I formed for myself
that they may proclaim my praise.

22 "Yet you have not called upon me, O Jacob,
you have not wearied yourselves for me, O Israel.

23 You have not brought me sheep for burnt offerings,
nor honored me with your sacrifices.
I have not burdened you with grain offerings
nor wearied you with demands for incense.

24 You have not bought any fragrant calamus for me,
or lavished on me the fat of your sacrifices.
But you have burdened me with your sins
and wearied me with your offenses.

25 "I, even I, am he who blots out
your transgressions, for my own sake,
and remembers your sins no more.

26 Review the past for me,
let us argue the matter together;
state the case for your innocence.

27 Your first father sinned;
your spokesmen rebelled against me.

28 So I will disgrace the dignitaries of your temple,
and I will consign Jacob to destruction
and Israel to scorn.

I walk through water and fire.
I am safe. Not by my own protection. It is the hand of God.
God is my only savior. He loves me.
He is with me. Fear is defeated.
I am His witness.
I lead out the deaf. the blind. the mute.
All for the glory of JESUS.
I am a witness, a testimony, of how He saved, healed, proclaimed.

God is doing a new thing. Making me forget the past.

When I read that.
All I can say, is I can't save myself.
Thank you, Jesus, that I don't have to try.

"How could I expect to walk when every move that Jesus made was in surrender."

So. Jesus in me continues to fight this cancerous known as pride.
And He will remain victorious in me. I cannot wait to see the outcome of His power in me.
Not because it has even anything to do with me.
Because it begins, and ends, with the Lord, God of Israel who is mighty to save.

"How could I expect to walk when every move that Jesus made was in surrender."