Friday, December 25, 2009


Today, I can boast about me.
Even today. Of all days. In remembrance of what the Lord Jesus has done for me.
That this. All of this. Around me, surrounding me. The evil. The hurt. The pain. The death. The sin. The depravity. Christ saved me, from all of the above.
And that isn't even mentioning any description of hell...

Deine Gnade ist alles um mich herum.
Ohne Dich bin Ich nichts.
Du, Herr. Nur Du.
Du hast mir retten.

Subconscious Decompression:
I credit my salvation to me.
My faith is in me. My trust is in me. My hope is in me. My confidence is in my own hands. I bring goodness to God.
Christ died for me, and that was nice and all, but I was good enough without Him.
I worked hard enough. My labor was long and hard.
I earned my redemption.
God had better save me, if He is a just God.
I'm a pretty big deal.

And just like that. My entitlement, and my cancerous pride that keeps me so blind to reality, kept me from seeing me, begun to be destroyed.

Lord, humble me. Lord, break me.
Little did I know this would happen.
Little did I know, that when this random lady told me the Lord was going to break me even more to prepare me for Germany, would it happen.

Wow, God stands by what He says and answers prayers. I would've never known by the way I treated Him.

I forgot the height from which I fell. That we all, are the same. That I have the same nature as the murder, the rapist, the child molester, the corrupt politician, the anything. We are the same.
How dare I think myself better.
How dare I call my salvation an obligation.

I did not work and could not work hard enough to earn it.
My boasting was in vain.

I am no good.
I am disposable to the Lord.
He doesn't need me.
He could send someone else to Berlin.
He has 6 billion people to choose from.

In my self exaltation, I failed to see Jesus. The precious blood. God who died for me.
I still fail to see Him the way I should.

My walk is merely an outward proclamation for all of you too see how much holier I am than you. Aloneness with God is unheard of. I want you to see and talk about how devoted I am.

I am a pharisee.
If Jesus were to come to me, I would've been among those who eventually crucified Him.

In fact, I did. My sins. My trespasses. My faults. My flaws.

Jesus looked at me.
Saw me as I am.
God of everything.
Who formed me, who knows my every thought and the whispers of my heart.
Who loved me more than I will every grasp or imagine.
Who is worthy of all the adoration human kind has to offer, before He even sent Jesus.

God humbled Himself.
He could've came as a tree. He could've came as a goat. A mountain even.
He came as a human. And not even as a person of great splendor, in the way our eyes measure splendor. Born in the ghetto practically. With animals around.

Anything but glamorous.

God did that.

I'm never going to get the full weight of it all.

What credit do I have to claim before God.
LORD, forgive me for trying to be anything before You by my owns means.

EVERYTHING I have is a gift.
My life. My body. My family. My friends. My money. My job. My car. My ___.

All of it.
I wasn't only the servant who buried the talent given to him. I spent on the petty, and the material. I wasn't even the worst! I am worst than the worst! My stewardship is mockery of God.

I can't even believe how I must've grieved the heart of God.
Missing the point. To arrogant to care, because I figured God out, as if He has a limit.

When the Lord started to show me all this, I began to freak out. Fear, anxiety, helplessness.

Because all my foundation was on me. Sand.
Not on the Rock, with Christ as the chief corner stone.

I couldn't do anything, to fix, anything.
Time was out of my hands. Control. Also out of my hands.
Helpless. And I was so frustrated and felt so alone and desperate.
In a sense, drowning in my own blood.
Oh, my God's love for me and how it reveals itself in miraculous ways.

The Lord continues to destroy the self pretense I've created.
I can't be god in my life anymore. And He knows it.
HE loves me to much to let it go on.

For that, I love Him.
That good in His eyes, the true good, is not my idea of good.
Thank God. Because we prideful people. We all hope we aren't right deep down. Because we don't want to be end all. The top person. The smartest, strongest, or any kind of word that ends in -est.

The Lord is God.

Isaiah 43.

A year ago. I was so desperately alone and without God. I was abandoned, so I abandoned.

One day, as I was reading the Word, in doubt of His love I asked God to reveal to me where He says He loves me. God actually saying it. Not Paul. Not John. Not Luke. God.

God answers prayers doods.

"Because I love you...'

Recently. The Lord has brought me back to it.

Isaiah 43

Israel's Only Savior
1 But now, this is what the LORD says—
he who created you, O Jacob,
he who formed you, O Israel:
"Fear not, for I have redeemed you;
I have summoned you by name; you are mine.

2 When you pass through the waters,
I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers,
they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire,
you will not be burned;
the flames will not set you ablaze.

3 For I am the LORD, your God,
the Holy One of Israel, your Savior;
I give Egypt for your ransom,
Cush and Seba in your stead.

4 Since you are precious and honored in my sight,
and because I love you,
I will give men in exchange for you,
and people in exchange for your life.

5 Do not be afraid, for I am with you;
I will bring your children from the east
and gather you from the west.

6 I will say to the north, 'Give them up!'
and to the south, 'Do not hold them back.'
Bring my sons from afar
and my daughters from the ends of the earth-

7 everyone who is called by my name,
whom I created for my glory,
whom I formed and made."

8 Lead out those who have eyes but are blind,
who have ears but are deaf.

9 All the nations gather together
and the peoples assemble.
Which of them foretold this
and proclaimed to us the former things?
Let them bring in their witnesses to prove they were right,
so that others may hear and say, "It is true."

10 "You are my witnesses," declares the LORD,
"and my servant whom I have chosen,
so that you may know and believe me
and understand that I am he.
Before me no god was formed,
nor will there be one after me.

11 I, even I, am the LORD,
and apart from me there is no savior.

12 I have revealed and saved and proclaimed—
I, and not some foreign god among you.
You are my witnesses," declares the LORD, "that I am God.

13 Yes, and from ancient days I am he.
No one can deliver out of my hand.
When I act, who can reverse it?"

God's Mercy and Israel's Unfaithfulness
14 This is what the LORD says—
your Redeemer, the Holy One of Israel:
"For your sake I will send to Babylon
and bring down as fugitives all the Babylonians,
in the ships in which they took pride.

15 I am the LORD, your Holy One,
Israel's Creator, your King."

16 This is what the LORD says—
he who made a way through the sea,
a path through the mighty waters,

17 who drew out the chariots and horses,
the army and reinforcements together,
and they lay there, never to rise again,
extinguished, snuffed out like a wick:

18 "Forget the former things;
do not dwell on the past.

19 See, I am doing a new thing!
Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?
I am making a way in the desert
and streams in the wasteland.

20 The wild animals honor me,
the jackals and the owls,
because I provide water in the desert
and streams in the wasteland,
to give drink to my people, my chosen,

21 the people I formed for myself
that they may proclaim my praise.

22 "Yet you have not called upon me, O Jacob,
you have not wearied yourselves for me, O Israel.

23 You have not brought me sheep for burnt offerings,
nor honored me with your sacrifices.
I have not burdened you with grain offerings
nor wearied you with demands for incense.

24 You have not bought any fragrant calamus for me,
or lavished on me the fat of your sacrifices.
But you have burdened me with your sins
and wearied me with your offenses.

25 "I, even I, am he who blots out
your transgressions, for my own sake,
and remembers your sins no more.

26 Review the past for me,
let us argue the matter together;
state the case for your innocence.

27 Your first father sinned;
your spokesmen rebelled against me.

28 So I will disgrace the dignitaries of your temple,
and I will consign Jacob to destruction
and Israel to scorn.

I walk through water and fire.
I am safe. Not by my own protection. It is the hand of God.
God is my only savior. He loves me.
He is with me. Fear is defeated.
I am His witness.
I lead out the deaf. the blind. the mute.
All for the glory of JESUS.
I am a witness, a testimony, of how He saved, healed, proclaimed.

God is doing a new thing. Making me forget the past.

When I read that.
All I can say, is I can't save myself.
Thank you, Jesus, that I don't have to try.

"How could I expect to walk when every move that Jesus made was in surrender."

So. Jesus in me continues to fight this cancerous known as pride.
And He will remain victorious in me. I cannot wait to see the outcome of His power in me.
Not because it has even anything to do with me.
Because it begins, and ends, with the Lord, God of Israel who is mighty to save.

"How could I expect to walk when every move that Jesus made was in surrender."

Thursday, October 15, 2009


Have you ever noticed how half hearted we tend to be when we pray? 
Our conversations with God are more like vague portraits of something we don't even know how to express. "God, help me," "God, turn me upside down," "God, break me." 

Those are fantastic things to pray, but I barely know what they mean in some regard. 

I know that when I pray for things like understanding and wisdom, I ask in anticipated unbelief. I expect God not to answer me. 
James 1:6-8 is a wake up for these kind of prayers. 

6But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. 7That man should not think he will receive anything from the Lord; 8he is a double-minded man, unstable in all he does.

God wont answer me when I really do doubt His power. 
Why do we ask with such a half heart?

Because we don't understand the authority we've been given through Christ.

I am petrified by how many Christians let the enemy kick down their door. Again and again. And all they have to say is, "Satan is attacking me."
Given, yes he is. But do you realize the strength you've been given by being a coheir with Christ? We do not have to suffer the effects of satan's attacks. 

When Jesus was on trial before Pilate, He remained silent. Absolutely stunningly silent. 
I think that we all should be absolutely scared out of our minds when God is silent.
Pilate reminds Jesus that he has the authority to save Jesus' life, or crucify Him.
Jesus replies, "You would have no power over me if it were not given to you from above."

All power and authority comes from God. 
If you look at Matthew 28:18-20, the Great Commission, Jesus says that "All authority in Heaven and on earth has been given to me." But he also says "And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age."

We have that authority. He is always with us. 
Romans 8:37-39 declares that we are more than conquerors and nothing can separate us from His love. 

We need to walk into the authority we've been given. If we don't, we are in willful disobedience. We let ourselves be overcome by temptation, we suffer through physical sickness, we don't walk in it. 
We don't always pray for those who are sick, we don't rebuke satan that he will flee, we let these things slide so easily. 

We're way to timid in how we approach God. Not to say we shouldn't fear Him, because He is definitely worthy of that fear, and awe and reverence. Hebrews 4:16 says "Let us approach the throne of grace with confidence." 

We are allowed to ask God for stuff. 
And we're allowed to expect that He'll deliver.

Psalm 65:5 says "You answer us with awesome deeds of righteousness..."

the Lord has been showing me the effects of walking in the authority. Its who we are.
If we don't know who we are, and identify with Christ in this matter, we're worse off than any of us thought. Even worse, if we don't know ourselves, we definitely don't know God, and we shouldn't pretend too.

He is something we'll never grasp. I think that kills our minds knowing that we'll never fully know Him, at least till Heaven, but we barely even think about that. We try to know as much of God as we can. We seek, and seek, and seek, and seek this God and we don't know what we're seeking. 

I have a lot of thoughts that correlate to other ideas and other epiphanies, but I won't go into them now.

However, if this authority is a precious gift I've been given, how much more do I desire to walk in it. How much more do I desire to explore it. How much more will I stand in it. 

Saturday, October 10, 2009


I never realized what a wounded and broken human being I am. 
I second guess myself, I question the motives of others, I look for signs of annoyance in people, etc...

As the Lord has been putting me in this incredible wonder of healing, I'm having to go over all of these old wounds, that I thought I had dealt with. Moreover, they are a literal gushing stab wound, and my resolve was to put a band-aid over it. Meanwhile, blood and life continues to flow out of me. 

Something I was absolutely shocked by in myself was the amount of doubt I had let in.
Doubt in myself, doubt in people, doubt in God. 
Not doubt in God's existence, I know He exists. Psalm 53:1 says "The fool denies God in his heart." I'm past that foolishness; I still have many more foolishnesses to overcome. 

When I looked in my heart, and saw all of these wounds that made me doubt people, I started to analyze how I treated and reacted to individuals when they expressed their care for me. 
When parents expressed how much they loved me, my ears fell deaf.
When my friends told me how much I mean to them, I laughed and couldn't comprehend it.
When I read the Word and found passages like Isaiah 43:4, where God expresses how He would give other peoples up, just because  He loves me,  I skimmed over those words.

What made me so calloused to love? What made me so hard toward those I trust and love mutually? 


At some point, because of my previous situations with people and the verbally abuse I received from people (not my parents, they have only spoken loving, kind and encouraging words to me all my life), I doubted good intentions. 

Doubt seems to be more crafty than any of us really understand. It just doesn't come at us in full temptation mode like lust, or pride.
It's far more subtle, and easier to kindle. 
It's quiet. It doesn't voice itself very vocally, at first.
It is birthed with the slightest hint of unbelief. 

We all want to believe people mean well. 
Tipping good at restaurants, picking up trash, helping old ladies across the street. 
What ever kindness we see, we believe its done with good intentions. 
However. When those beliefs are betrayed, something bitter begins in a person.

Bitterness, like doubt, is a slow growing cancer, that takes over before one can even recognize any symptoms. This is why it is so crucial to kill the weeds before they grow into trees. You can still cut down the trees, but you still have that stump to deal with for the rest of your life.

God is a father. He provides like a father, He loves like a father, He honors like a father.
He wants to give good gifts like any dad wants to toward their child, especially when it is in accordance to His will. However, something about us wants to doubt the good nature of God; we put God in the person box, which yes, He is a being, but He is so much more faithful than any human I've ever come in contact with. He cannot deny Himself, so for me to think of God in human standards is folly anyways, but I'll humor myself in thinking of God this way. 

I'll ask God for wisdom, and part of me doubts I'll grow wiser.
I tossed back and forth by the waves. 
James 1:6-7 talks about doubting the goodness of God, in accordance to asking Him for things. What I find interesting is how when we doubt God, that doubt almost seems to overcome His desire to give. So simple-minded people like you and me will get mad at God and say, "Lord, if you would just give me this, even though I doubt, it would increase my faith."

That is 100% sin. Who are we to question God. He loves us too much to give us anything when we doubt. Instead of increasing of faith, it would poison our view of God, increase our own selfishness, and grow our ego far more than any of us would like.

We are legitimate children.

What troubles me more, is that I know my earthly father wants to help me, and provide for me. He wants to give me good things. When I ask for food, he's not going to give me rocks. 

Why don't I believe that about the One who created everything, OUT OF LOVE.
Why do I believe that when I ask God for something, He wont respond?

Because He wont. 

I've doubted His power. And He loves me too much and His name is too holy to let that doubt corrupt my view of Him. He is truth. There are no lies in Him.

So, yes. 
God wont give when I doubt, but what even started that doubt? 
I'm still trying to dig this up in  myself.
But, I know the characteristics of God, and the biggest one in all of the Word is love.
I know He loves me.
I know He has a purpose and a future for me.

Honestly, I'm sick of cutting short the promises of God in my life because of my unbelief. 
I want to live with absolute faith in the Almighty.
That power destroyed death, I will not hold onto what has already been destroyed for me.

Tuesday, October 6, 2009


The Lord has been showing me something that is contagious among all peoples. Something that will make people follow and will make people walk of verbal and literally cliffs if someone appears to possess it. 


Look at every leader. Obama, Hitler, Mother Teresa, Billy Graham, anyone.
Everyone follows them because of their confident nature and manner. Rarely will anyone follow someone who isn't  very assured of what they believe or wont believe in their cause if they do not stand on it firmly. Even if they're completely wrong in every sense of the word, People are sucked into confidence. 

How does this apply to our relationship to the Father?
Do we know who we are in Christ?
Do we know our purpose and mission?
If so, are we standing on it like a solid rock that the Word says Jesus is, or do we treat it more like quick sand?

The writer of Hebrews had something to say about confidence.
3:13-15-13But encourage one another daily, as long as it is called Today, so that none of you may be hardened by sin's deceitfulness. 14We have come to share in Christ if we hold firmly till the end the confidence we had at first. 15As has just been said: 
   "Today, if you hear his voice, 
      do not harden your hearts 
   as you did in the rebellion."a]" style="font-size: 0.75em; line-height: 0.5em; ">[ 

4:15-16-15For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet was without sin. 16Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.

10:18-20-18And where these have been forgiven, there is no longer any sacrifice for sin. 19Therefore, brothers, since we have confidence to enter the Most Holy Place by the blood of Jesus, 20by a new and living way opened for us through the curtain, that is, his body,

10:35-36- 35So do not throw away your confidence; it will be richly rewarded. 36You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised.

13:5-7-5Keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with what you have, because God has said, 
   "Never will I leave you; 
      never will I forsake you." 6So we say with confidence, 
   "The Lord is my helper; I will not be afraid. 
      What can man do to me?"

God has given me so much confidence as of late.
Not to say I'm one you should follow because my confidence is clearly overwhelming. 
But through trial after trial, revelation after revelation, prayer after prayer, God has come to me, defined me, and made me firm through it. I stand not on who I am, rather the Rock that Christ is. That is a promise of God for me: that I can live firmly and confidently through the Cross. Oh Lord, thank you for picking me out at an early age, so I didn't lose my identity further. 

Where is our confidence in the church...
I know for me, I am often terrified to bring up God in front of certain people, for I want my own image to be glorified rather than Christ. That is sin. 
My image means nothing, compared to the glory that Christ is going to receive on His day. 

I think we, as Christians, are afraid to branch out, to interact with someone who doesn't necessarily agree, and if they don't agree, they might know more about their "beliefs" than us, and the truth is, they probably do. I know if I was to get into an argument with an Atheist, they would probably beat me to a pulp; I wouldn't be able to "prove" the existence of God. But. I could love that person, and serve that person, more than anyone in their life ever has. And as cliche as that sounds, it would invoke a sense of worship, in me and in them. Even though they do not know Him, their souls cry out for Him. 
My point here is, do we have the confidence in our faith to be "proven" "wrong" and it not be defeat?  

I'm not out to argue whether or not my God exists. 
I know He does.
I am a product of His existence. 

I'm out there rather to love. To serve. To be with people. To fulfill my call be there for people and through this, the very character of Christ, who Himself confidently did this, won souls. 

They are not projects. They are people. With emotions and feelings just as you and I.

I have the confidence in who my God is, to know who I am.
If he doesn't exist, then who I know I am doesn't either. 

Friends, like the writer of Hebrews, I urge you not to through this precious gift of confidence away. It will be rewarded. Rather, cultivate it. Use it. Live it in. We have been given EVERYTHING we need for life and godliness. That includes confidence in God, and in ourselves.  

1 John 4:17 
In this way, love is made complete among us so that we will have confidence on the day of judgment, because in this world we are like him.

Sunday, October 4, 2009


We begin.