I second guess myself, I question the motives of others, I look for signs of annoyance in people, etc...
As the Lord has been putting me in this incredible wonder of healing, I'm having to go over all of these old wounds, that I thought I had dealt with. Moreover, they are a literal gushing stab wound, and my resolve was to put a band-aid over it. Meanwhile, blood and life continues to flow out of me.
Something I was absolutely shocked by in myself was the amount of doubt I had let in.
Doubt in myself, doubt in people, doubt in God.
Not doubt in God's existence, I know He exists. Psalm 53:1 says "The fool denies God in his heart." I'm past that foolishness; I still have many more foolishnesses to overcome.
When I looked in my heart, and saw all of these wounds that made me doubt people, I started to analyze how I treated and reacted to individuals when they expressed their care for me.
When parents expressed how much they loved me, my ears fell deaf.
When my friends told me how much I mean to them, I laughed and couldn't comprehend it.
When I read the Word and found passages like Isaiah 43:4, where God expresses how He would give other peoples up, just because He loves me, I skimmed over those words.
What made me so calloused to love? What made me so hard toward those I trust and love mutually?
At some point, because of my previous situations with people and the verbally abuse I received from people (not my parents, they have only spoken loving, kind and encouraging words to me all my life), I doubted good intentions.
Doubt seems to be more crafty than any of us really understand. It just doesn't come at us in full temptation mode like lust, or pride.
It's far more subtle, and easier to kindle.
It's quiet. It doesn't voice itself very vocally, at first.
It is birthed with the slightest hint of unbelief.
We all want to believe people mean well.
Tipping good at restaurants, picking up trash, helping old ladies across the street.
What ever kindness we see, we believe its done with good intentions.
However. When those beliefs are betrayed, something bitter begins in a person.
Bitterness, like doubt, is a slow growing cancer, that takes over before one can even recognize any symptoms. This is why it is so crucial to kill the weeds before they grow into trees. You can still cut down the trees, but you still have that stump to deal with for the rest of your life.
God is a father. He provides like a father, He loves like a father, He honors like a father.
He wants to give good gifts like any dad wants to toward their child, especially when it is in accordance to His will. However, something about us wants to doubt the good nature of God; we put God in the person box, which yes, He is a being, but He is so much more faithful than any human I've ever come in contact with. He cannot deny Himself, so for me to think of God in human standards is folly anyways, but I'll humor myself in thinking of God this way.
I'll ask God for wisdom, and part of me doubts I'll grow wiser.
I tossed back and forth by the waves.
James 1:6-7 talks about doubting the goodness of God, in accordance to asking Him for things. What I find interesting is how when we doubt God, that doubt almost seems to overcome His desire to give. So simple-minded people like you and me will get mad at God and say, "Lord, if you would just give me this, even though I doubt, it would increase my faith."
That is 100% sin. Who are we to question God. He loves us too much to give us anything when we doubt. Instead of increasing of faith, it would poison our view of God, increase our own selfishness, and grow our ego far more than any of us would like.
We are legitimate children.
What troubles me more, is that I know my earthly father wants to help me, and provide for me. He wants to give me good things. When I ask for food, he's not going to give me rocks.
Why don't I believe that about the One who created everything, OUT OF LOVE.
Why do I believe that when I ask God for something, He wont respond?
Because He wont.
I've doubted His power. And He loves me too much and His name is too holy to let that doubt corrupt my view of Him. He is truth. There are no lies in Him.
God wont give when I doubt, but what even started that doubt?
I'm still trying to dig this up in myself.
But, I know the characteristics of God, and the biggest one in all of the Word is love.
I know He loves me.
I know He has a purpose and a future for me.
Honestly, I'm sick of cutting short the promises of God in my life because of my unbelief.
I want to live with absolute faith in the Almighty.
That power destroyed death, I will not hold onto what has already been destroyed for me.