This week will go down as one of the most revolutionary in my life.
A week ago, I was not the same person I am today. Somewhere in the mix of life, my hope and my faith and my love were restored.
A handful of people told me the spark that left my eyes eight months ago had returned. Still another noticed that "what ever you were struggling with was so dark and heavy, but you are you again, and you seem so much lighter."
Was this all because of my decision to actively pursue Germany again?
I think it was a big part of it. Because I don't think anyone, including me, understands how deeply my soul is tied to Berlin. As a dear friend explain this last week, "Your burden for Germany is something very, very special. Its not normal."
Not normal in the sense of the God-installed passion, vision, and faith.
I went to see the movie Unknown today.
Most of the movie was filmed in Berlin, which is 100% the reason I saw it.
As it began, and seeing depictions of what I have seen with my own eyes, I said to myself, "I feel right at home right now."
Silly, I know.
But there was a day in June of 2009 that I began to tell people, "I'm going to move here."
It wasn't some fleeting feeling that dissipated because of some sort of spiritual high that comes and goes with a missions trip or church retreat. No, it was an assurance that my soul had. It was if God spoke to my soul, and explained the end, but not the means or the justification that would later take place. And, as He is faithful to His word, six months later I climbed on a plane headed back.
But during that time, I was sorrowful. Sure, there was gladness and joy in returning to what I very much so believe to be an incredibly huge part of my life. But I was torn two ways: One limb being pulled by my community back home, and one pulled by a future that awaited me in Berlin. I very much so believe I limited myself in Germany because of how badly I wanted to be around those that had carried me to where I was.
I believed that at the time.
Now, I'm not so sure.
You see, I can't understand God's plan in the slightest. Only He knows.
"Son of man, can these bones live?"
"You know, O Lord."
And only He knows.
Only He can restore what we might've missed out on, or lost. And in this season, I feel like I've lost a lot of things.
Vision, passion, friends, consistency, innocence, just to name a few.
But my GOD, is the restorer of all things that He has made. And He has made me, and I am being restored by Him.
Do you know why?
I don't. But if I were to take a stab on an answer, I would believe that He knows the plans He has. Not necessarily for me, or anyone else, but for Himself. I whole heartedly believe that I am still alive right now, because God wants me to bring Him glory here on earth.
I know not the shape, form, or application of this. But I know its precisely why I'm breathing. No other reason.
And I can get intimidated by that; that can frighten me and I could do my best on my own to give Him some kind of perception of glory. But. It wouldn't make any difference if it was by me, through me, and eventually it would be for me.
No, it is by HIM, through HIM, and for HIM.
He has made me His own, now I must respond to that and make Him my own.
And in His presence, and His love, I no longer want my vices. I throw them down at His feet in fact.
In His presence, I want Jesus, and I want Him to solely get every piece of me, and every piece of my ability to do anything!
Why don't we live in His presence? Why do we only acknowledge Him in church, or in the time we set aside for Him?
He created time! He doesn't NEED us to set a place for Him in our schedule.
My friends, we need the Lord.
We could all stop breathing and still have the Lord, and still be alive, because we need Him more than any substantial form of anything on this planet.
God is showing me how much I need Him. And friends, I am overwhelmed by it.
From the beginning of this week, the Lord has ordained meetings, and conversations, and opportunities that I could've never imagined. I am so, so blessed.
A theme for me this week, which I hope to make into a pattern for the rest of my existence: I have strength sufficient for NOTHING. There is no feet I can accomplish on my own. There is no wall I can scale on my own behalf.
It is all Christ.
This, is, all for You. Yes, this, is, all for You.
You're the King of the World.