knowledgebuildings.

I'm here. In Berlin.

Am I excited?

Trying to be.

Am I scared?

Trying not to be.

This is hard, guys. A lot harder than I anticipated. My thoughts keep revolving around home. The people back there. How I miss them.

Cynicism sets in, and I think thoughts like, "Who am I?" "What am I doing here?" "What was I thinking?" and "I want to go home."

I'm in a completely different culture, and people speak a completely different language.

Its not like I moved to Texas, which would be frightening enough.

I moved to the capital of another COUNTRY. Berlin, Germany.

What.

And I still can't take credit for all of it. The way the Lord worked it out.

He has to have something in mind for all this, I keep reminded myself.

Rather, the Holy Spirit reminds me.

Talking with Helio and Michael and Fabi about the move of the Spirit here, and its already happening. I love that.

But not more than I love myself.

You see, I'm pretty selfish.

I would've been perfectly content in Colorado, working at 'Bucks, living in an apartment, hanging with people. And I would say I hate it, because many aspects of it, I hate.

But God wouldn't let me spend me on me.

He knew what would break me. He knew what would make me depend completely on Him.

I even had to give an early goodbye to my loved ones, because of plane switch arounds. Pissed me off. But I wonder if the Lord was in that, somehow.

Its funny, because as soon as I leave, my friends back home get convicted about friend-idolatry.

I read Audrey's blog, and get convicted myself. (Bee tee dub, read it. audreywilles.wordpress.com)

Its not a fun game.

I think I realize now, that life isn't about me.

And now that God is all I have to hold on to, especially this next week I have alone, I cry like David in the sense of, "Don't be far from me, my God! You alone can deliver me!"

Psalm 22. David feels completely forgotten by God. But He still yet chooses to praise Him.

His words in verse 3 are, "Yet you are holy, enthroned on the praises of Israel."

God is above all of this.

Above my fear.

Above my desire for my friends and family back home.

Above me.

On the praises of your people, O God, do you sit and look down upon me.

Outstretch your grace and mercy to me, for my eyes fail me.

Hearing "You Wont Relent" in German, just hit me.

...Mein Herz ist Dein.

I'm here. And God is here. Same God. Different people.

I got lost today. For a good 3 hours after Gemeinde Auf Dem Weg.

I didn't freak at first. And not until I just went the wrong direction on a train close to the end, did I start to freak out and worry.

I hate being human.

Especially one who can worry a lot.

Because God takes care of His people.

I'm fine, I made it back and all warm and stuff.

But I don't get it. Why do I do these things I hate?

God's words through Josh Thursday keep ringing in my ears.

Fear not, for I am with you.

Fear not, like the command. Not like a hey don't worry bout it.

No like, Taylor, DO NOT fear.

Isaiah 41:10

"...fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."

I keep looking at the buildings, the apartments and stores, for familiarity.

But mostly, they all look the same.

I keep looking at my emotions, sadness and joy, for God.

But my feelings for the moment, all feel the same.

Its the knowledge of the buildings that tell me where I am.

Its the knowledge of the Word and of God that tell me He is close.

And will never leave.

God, I need joy in this loss.

...I need strength to count this all as loss, just to know Christ.

Buildings are hollow, and so are my feelings.

But my God is strong and full.

Someone I barely know, sent me this on Facebook right after I left.

"I had no idea you were moving to Germany. None whatsoever.

But I had this dream about you last night.

You had cuts and bruises all over your body and it seemed as though your limbs were broken and everyone around you was telling you that you needed to get to a doctor and be taken care of but you kept refusing saying, "I need to be broken, I need to be broken all is well" over and over. And there was so much chaos around you. Everyone was running around and yelling and telling you that you could not remain in the state you were in but you were so calm and so at peace. It was all over your face... You knew...

And that's all you said over and over and over... "I need to be broken, I need to be broken all is well"

I woke up and sort of pushed the dream out of my head... But then I got a Twitter update from Josh Cuchiara about you leaving... And I was like... Huh?

So I uh, facebook stalked you and read your blog and was just amazed.

I really don't have anything else to say except... Godspeed to you.
God's blessings and provisions to you for your obedience...

Isaiah 66:14-16 (Message)
You'll see all this and burst with joy... you'll feel ten feet tall...
As it becomes apparent that God is on your side...

:)

All is well..."

No one said this would be easy.

Why the hell did I expect it to be.

Because.

My hope was in me.

And that wont even work this time around.

Lets face it folks, we all know I can't do anything.

Now, I'm forced to put all my hope in God.

And in that hope, there is the assurance that He WILL never let me go.

Faith sets in, and I think thoughts like, "God, who are you?" "God, what are you doing here?" "God, what are you thinking?"and "God, I want to go to you."

Now, to wait upon the Lord for these answers, and many others.

Warten.