City.

God, really isn't difficult.

God, really isn't hard to understand in the concept of getting to know Him.

But we make it that way.

Things are getting settled here. We're having orientation week, having some basic courses on stuff like intimacy with God, intercession, and evangelism and the like. I've been reminded of a lot of things I've let slip from my mind. Thank you, Jesus, for reminding me off them.

I've missed home.

More than I should I think.

There have been times I've been dying just to speak with people back home.

I thought about pulling onto Briargate Pkwy from my house, and missed it. I wanted to do that.

I've missed singing in my car, driving with the windows down.

I've missed boba.

I've missed Starbucks, interacting with people and drinking coffee all the time (I still do that).

I've missed ice. How I long for really, REALLY cold mountain springs fresh water.

And do you know what keeps coming to mind?

Philippines 3:7-10.

I keep hearing God say, "count it loss."

"Count it loss compared to knowing me here. In this city. In Berlin, Germany. Count it loss. "

God, what about the people I love with all of my being? I miss them and I don't know if I can go on without them.

"Count it loss."

What else am I living for, I mean really.

Wife. Kids. Job? People?

This life is so, not worth it.

Count it loss.

This city. Where I'm at. Sooooo much has happened here.

More than just a wall being built to divide the city.

More than just hatred and angst towards people groups.

This city has known pain, far better than most other places all over the globe.

I heard it said today that, 7 out of 10 women in Berlin had been raped multiple times during WWII. Thats 70% of the population of females. In a city of probably around 2 million people.

Thats ridiculous.

Thats just one fact. I heard that 120,000 jews used to live in Berlin before WWII.

After. Maybe 5,000.

This city, is a mini-scale of Europe.

There are about 210 countries in the world.

Berlin has original peoples from around 160 of them.

160 nations represented, and so many haven't ever heard of Jesus.

Guys, this is going to be huge. The Lord wants to really pour out on this city, and as He does, these people will bring it back with them.

And.

Nation, by nation will see Jesus.

SO much potential to see so much change.

I've received vision for it, the staff here feels very very very very similar.

And I'm more concerned about missing people back home?

Staying on skype instead of staying in prayer?

Waring for internet connection instead of waring for souls?

Such sin.

And I kept running from my purposes here.

I once was praying for Berlin. And the words "Lord, let Berlin be a Nineveh that once her sin is shown her, she can't help but run too you and repent!" just came out of my mouth. I felt that was the Spirit talking.

I believe that, if Berlin is Nineveh, I must surely be Jonah.

I have many Tarshishs I've been running too.

Many areas where my time is taken from me.

And I'm not living up to my calling here.

And I tell you something.

Thats as scary as hell to me. That I would do that here.

Who am I to refuse God.

I think thats the thing about sin. Sin robs us of pleasure. God will still bless us, regardless of sin. But, instead of being able to really rejoice and thank God for what we've been given, we feel guilt and shame. Sin robs us of the pleasure of rejoicing with God.

I've been so worried about people around me, and impatient and hoping that I would be able to bond with them right away.

And in my impatient frustration, I've set my expectations too high.

I was praying last night, asking God for help and how can I do this.

I was reminded of 1 Chronicles 28:20-21

You should read the whole chapter.

Then David said to Solomon his son, "Be strong and courageous and do it. Do not be afraid and do not be dismayed, for the LORD God, even my God, is with you. He will not leave you or forsake you, until all the work for the service of the house of the Lord is finished. And behold the divisions of the priests and the Levites for all the service of the house of God; and with you in all the work will be every willing man who has skill for any kind of service; also the officers and all the people will be wholly at your command."

People skilled in any and everything will be with you.

God's provided just the right people for me.

I think there is a lot of pride in anxiety.

thinking that we could do it better and not trusting God to do it the right way.

But. I'm a prideful selfish man.

Thank God for His grace and mercy on me.

He is so beyond good to me.

We need your prayers over here folks.

Intercede for Berlin. For Germany.

For the people.

Pray Jesus revealed. Pray the pain would be met with comfort and gentleness.

I think we're all going to be part of this, in one form or another. Not just me.

God, really loves me.

And I want to wear Psalms 42.

Not searching for time to be on my computer.

Searching for time to fill up praying. Knowing God. Learning His heart.

Jesus is all we have, fellow children.

I will not pretend to have anything else that matters anymore.

Ich habe heute mich gefunden.

I remember.

I remember what I loved about this city.

I remember the burden the Lord laid on my heart.

I found myself today.

Ich vermisse jeder, aber muss ich weiter ohne sie.

Und ich weiß nicht warum bin ich hier, aber Gott weißt, und nur er.

Heute, erinnere ich mich.

Ich habe heute die Stadt besichtigen.

For your sake, that'll be the last of the German.

Some of the very famous touristy places. Places I had been before. Places normal people go.

Its funny, the closer and closer you get to these places, the more english you here. Well done, America.

I started the day off by buying a day ticket for all public trans, so I could get around easily enough. Trams, subways, and busses all awaited me.

It was cold today.

Not just cold, cold. Windy cold.

I took some Pictures. If my photographer friends were here, they'd probably freak out.

Before today, I'd been slightly discouraged. My German was terrible, I didn't get out to do anything, I got lost my first time out alone, I've been sick, etc...

Stupid things I let get to my head.

I decided to go to Alexanderplatz first. I heard it was awesome, and a lot of people go there, and it was easy to get too.

I get to a station called Ostkreuz, and am trying to figure out which train to take, because I can take 4 different ones that all lead me in the right direction.

After missing I'm sure, 3 trains, I find the exact one I want, and as I'm waiting, I hear the lady in the wheel chair behind me ask for me to help her onto the subway.

I say gladly.

And I proceed to talk to her in German. I tell her what I'm doing in Berlin, and ask her about her life.

Side note, most Germans would've helped her. But they wouldn't have talked to her. The people here don't talk to strangers without prompt. Not like us in America. Even if they're doing something for the other.

So as I apologize for my terrible German and such, she asks me,

"So you're really interested in us Germans?"

I say definitely.

And a tear rolls down her cheek.

I continue talking to her and we exit on the same station.

I find a Starbucks (creature of habit), and start to journal. Than I realize something.

I have exactly what I wanted. Ich habe genau was habe ich gewollt.

And I've been so blinded by sadness of leaving,

that I forgot the joy of coming.

I love this place.

I love the people (well, most).

I love the culture (well, most).

I wanted to move her six months ago.

I moved here six months later.

What love, has the Lord bestowed on me, that I receive my hearts desire.

And I don't eternally rejoice for it...

I'm guilty of great sin.

Forgive me, Father.

My loss is counted just to know you. What joy it is to know you.

I went to Potsdammer Platz which is a huge shopping place/theater and walked around.

Then to the Brandenburg Gate. To the Reichstag. To Tegel (and unfortunately the ice cream shop we often visited in June is closed to February). To back home.

I made friends with these two dudes who work at a 24 hour Döner Kebap shop in Tegel.

It'll be interesting to see how that goes.

Everybody here smokes. Everybody here drinks. Everybody here is silently in pain.

Everybody here looks cold, all the time. Regardless of seasons.

Joy is unusual.

Love is corrupt.

Peace is mistaken.

Patience is useless.

Kindness is rare.

Gentleness is impossible.

Faithfulness is unheard of.

Self-Control is unnecessary.

Hope is nonexistent.

And friends, thats not just Germany. Thats the nature we all carry with us.

But.

The Spirit, of the Sovereign Lord, is on me.

And I cannot keep silent anymore.

And I can't be all about my convenience anymore.

Germany needs healing.

So many hurt. So many wounded. So many dying.

They want the healing, they just do not know how to receive it.

And they wont believe in God, unless they see Him.

I believe, their desire to see Him, is not one of rebellion and disbelief.

Its one of wanting to know for certain what is what because they have been lied to, and deceived so many times.

And I believe the Father is going to honor that.

And reveal Himself.

Joel 2:28-32.

²⁸ "And afterward,
I will pour out my Spirit on all people.
Your sons and daughters will prophesy,
your old men will dream dreams,
your young men will see visions.

²⁹ Even on my servants, both men and women,
I will pour out my Spirit in those days.

³⁰ I will show wonders in the heavens
and on the earth,
blood and fire and billows of smoke.

³¹ The sun will be turned to darkness
and the moon to blood
before the coming of the great and dreadful day of the LORD.

³² And everyone who calls
on the name of the LORD will be saved;
for on Mount Zion and in Jerusalem
there will be deliverance,
as the LORD has said,
among the survivors
whom the LORD calls.

The Lord is calling Germany.

And they're beginning to call back.

Friends. I ask you to join with me in prayer for Berlin and overall Germany.

That their guilt and shame would ultimately make them seek the ultimate Healer.

And that they would be healed.

I found myself in all of this today. Not only me, but also the Lord.

And He is here, with me.

knowledgebuildings.

I'm here. In Berlin.

Am I excited?

Trying to be.

Am I scared?

Trying not to be.

This is hard, guys. A lot harder than I anticipated. My thoughts keep revolving around home. The people back there. How I miss them.

Cynicism sets in, and I think thoughts like, "Who am I?" "What am I doing here?" "What was I thinking?" and "I want to go home."

I'm in a completely different culture, and people speak a completely different language.

Its not like I moved to Texas, which would be frightening enough.

I moved to the capital of another COUNTRY. Berlin, Germany.

What.

And I still can't take credit for all of it. The way the Lord worked it out.

He has to have something in mind for all this, I keep reminded myself.

Rather, the Holy Spirit reminds me.

Talking with Helio and Michael and Fabi about the move of the Spirit here, and its already happening. I love that.

But not more than I love myself.

You see, I'm pretty selfish.

I would've been perfectly content in Colorado, working at 'Bucks, living in an apartment, hanging with people. And I would say I hate it, because many aspects of it, I hate.

But God wouldn't let me spend me on me.

He knew what would break me. He knew what would make me depend completely on Him.

I even had to give an early goodbye to my loved ones, because of plane switch arounds. Pissed me off. But I wonder if the Lord was in that, somehow.

Its funny, because as soon as I leave, my friends back home get convicted about friend-idolatry.

I read Audrey's blog, and get convicted myself. (Bee tee dub, read it. audreywilles.wordpress.com)

Its not a fun game.

I think I realize now, that life isn't about me.

And now that God is all I have to hold on to, especially this next week I have alone, I cry like David in the sense of, "Don't be far from me, my God! You alone can deliver me!"

Psalm 22. David feels completely forgotten by God. But He still yet chooses to praise Him.

His words in verse 3 are, "Yet you are holy, enthroned on the praises of Israel."

God is above all of this.

Above my fear.

Above my desire for my friends and family back home.

Above me.

On the praises of your people, O God, do you sit and look down upon me.

Outstretch your grace and mercy to me, for my eyes fail me.

Hearing "You Wont Relent" in German, just hit me.

...Mein Herz ist Dein.

I'm here. And God is here. Same God. Different people.

I got lost today. For a good 3 hours after Gemeinde Auf Dem Weg.

I didn't freak at first. And not until I just went the wrong direction on a train close to the end, did I start to freak out and worry.

I hate being human.

Especially one who can worry a lot.

Because God takes care of His people.

I'm fine, I made it back and all warm and stuff.

But I don't get it. Why do I do these things I hate?

God's words through Josh Thursday keep ringing in my ears.

Fear not, for I am with you.

Fear not, like the command. Not like a hey don't worry bout it.

No like, Taylor, DO NOT fear.

Isaiah 41:10

"...fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."

I keep looking at the buildings, the apartments and stores, for familiarity.

But mostly, they all look the same.

I keep looking at my emotions, sadness and joy, for God.

But my feelings for the moment, all feel the same.

Its the knowledge of the buildings that tell me where I am.

Its the knowledge of the Word and of God that tell me He is close.

And will never leave.

God, I need joy in this loss.

...I need strength to count this all as loss, just to know Christ.

Buildings are hollow, and so are my feelings.

But my God is strong and full.

Someone I barely know, sent me this on Facebook right after I left.

"I had no idea you were moving to Germany. None whatsoever.

But I had this dream about you last night.

You had cuts and bruises all over your body and it seemed as though your limbs were broken and everyone around you was telling you that you needed to get to a doctor and be taken care of but you kept refusing saying, "I need to be broken, I need to be broken all is well" over and over. And there was so much chaos around you. Everyone was running around and yelling and telling you that you could not remain in the state you were in but you were so calm and so at peace. It was all over your face... You knew...

And that's all you said over and over and over... "I need to be broken, I need to be broken all is well"

I woke up and sort of pushed the dream out of my head... But then I got a Twitter update from Josh Cuchiara about you leaving... And I was like... Huh?

So I uh, facebook stalked you and read your blog and was just amazed.

I really don't have anything else to say except... Godspeed to you.
God's blessings and provisions to you for your obedience...

Isaiah 66:14-16 (Message)
You'll see all this and burst with joy... you'll feel ten feet tall...
As it becomes apparent that God is on your side...

:)

All is well..."

No one said this would be easy.

Why the hell did I expect it to be.

Because.

My hope was in me.

And that wont even work this time around.

Lets face it folks, we all know I can't do anything.

Now, I'm forced to put all my hope in God.

And in that hope, there is the assurance that He WILL never let me go.

Faith sets in, and I think thoughts like, "God, who are you?" "God, what are you doing here?" "God, what are you thinking?"and "God, I want to go to you."

Now, to wait upon the Lord for these answers, and many others.

Warten.

Berlin

I have a story to tell.

A story of God's grace and faithfulness.

I thought it appropriate to write out what the Lord is doing, in me, and how me moving to Berlin actually came to be.

April.

In Revival Town one night, I was in the meeting with many others. It seemed like type a prayer meeting. Worsh, prayer, worsh, prayer. But. Towards the end. Fabian and Kathrin Heinze walked up on stage, preparing to pray for their nation, Deutschland. As Fabi gave background as to how to pray for Germany, for spiritual fathers, everyone's heart united and began to break for Germany. Launching into prayer in their native tongue, my heart exploded.

I cannot describe it.

It wasn't just cool to hear someone pray in another language.

It wasn't just powerful because the God they serve is the same one I serve (even though this is unquenchably powerful).

God was stirring my heart for the next step.

I heard tag was going to Germany at the end of June that night.

I felt strongly that I was supposed to go.

Since I felt like I wasn't made for "Missions" I didn't think a missions trip was in my alley.

The next day, Kayla, my best friend, signed up for the trip. I didn't even mention Germany to her. Now I didn't want to go because she was going and make it seem that was the reason I was going, but I felt the impression harder. GO. GO. GO.

I signed up. I went home that night telling my parents I was going.

Started learning German.

I signed up rather late, so a good chunk of the money was due in the next week. A good chunk being half of the $1500.

And I didn't even have my passport

I am terrible at saving money. Absolute wretched at it. But. Because I was planning a trip to Seattle that Summer, I was saving. I had a little bit over $900.

Just enough to get my passport, and pay half of the deposit.

I wrote support letters. I worked.

And the money kept flowing in.

The Lord used it for others.

It just kept coming in from random places.

The dollar sign means nothing to God.

Through the preparation of the team, and uniting together to pray for Berlin, and Gemeinde Auf Dem Weg, I just felt the Lord working on my character. Defining me.

One night, when we all had a spend the night deal at the prayer center, I felt like God told me He made me to be a reclaimer. Someone who calls back those who have wandered far.

By God's grace. Not my own ability.

God ordained so much. From scriptures being shared with others, to finance, to fellowship, all of it. By His hands.

Berlin finally came.

And.

My heart was broken right in front of me, for a people so desperate for hope.

Looking at every feasible corner for some antidote for their guilt that was not their own.

Alcoholism. Homosexuality. Pornography. Partying. Work. Study.

Vice. Bondage. Sin. Chains.

German people carry the great guilt of millions of lives.

And the current generation's grandparents paved the way for it.

They can do nothing to offer for retribution. They alone must sit in the guilt.

No grace. No mercy. Simple condemnation and shame.

But somehow in all of this.

I knew Berlin was home.

More than Colorado Springs had ever been to me.

I knew I would be moving there, from the moment my feet touched German concrete.

If I were to describe that trip by itself, it would be a whole other blog.

God moved and moves.

When I told people I was moving back, they told me I wasn't. They said it wouldn't happen. That it was just feeling of excitement of my first missions trip. It would go away eventually.

It never did. Still hasn't.

But through the tortuous longs for Germany, I made plans elsewhere. I had doubts, and followed them at first.

The Furnace looked appealing. And I felt like it had to offer what I wanted. Community.

"The counterfeit comes before the real."

One day before the Furnace application was due, New Life was showing the long term missionaries that they sponsor. Fabi and Kathrin came up.

And as soon as I saw them on the screen, the Spirit of God overwhelmed me.

And the clearest words I feel like God has said to me were spoken.

"You're going back."

Amazed, I didn't know what to think of it all. I figured fall of 2010 was when, after the Furnace and all.

Nope.

The next day, as I asked my parents for the check to pay the application fee for the Furn, they told me something that shocked me.

"We don't want you to do something with New Life. We want you out of your comfort zone..."

I didn't have the parental blessing. Huge deal.

People told me to apply anyways. My dad mentioned YWAM.

And when he did, my mind rushed to thoughts of others asking me if I was planning on doing YWAM in Berlin. In fact, I met someone in Berlin who was a Berliner, doing DTS in Berlin.

Confusion followed.

But the God ordainedness through it amazed me.

I didn't work the next few days, totally God.

I got to process with Kayla almost immediately. God.

Brent was sick the first time we tried to meet. So we rescheduled.

I wanted wisdom outside of my rents, and the other two men I would go to were living life with family and busy. But, God, knowing my needs and taking care of me, scheduled my meeting with Brent the day after all this. God.

God gave me new friends after Kayla and Lena left that were TRUE community. GOD.

Brent shared so much valuable wisdom with me. I am so grateful for what the Lord did in that conversation. It motivated me. I was challenged to step in faith.

Romans 4 in the message translation was a big passage of scripture through this for me.

Abraham walked, and trusted God to set him right. Not to be right on his own.

Abraham, the greatest example of faith, acted in faith.

And received promise because of it.

I'm not Abraham. But I have learned and am still learning a lot from him.

I emailed the YWAM base.

Got info. And just got excited.

I applied.

I got accepted, even though I worried beyond belief.

I started preparation.

I bought my one-way plane ticket for $500.

DIA to Charlotte to Frankfurt to Berlin.

Because my mindset is one of human nature, and not yet of God, money was my biggest concern.

$5000+ in less than 4 months. I couldn't do it.

There was no way.

On tag retreat, I felt the Lord specifically tell me not to send out support letters this time around.

I obeyed.

I freaked out constantly. Worrying about money and provision.

But through random people. God provided little by little.

$50 here, $20 there.

I was so thankful. But all of it still didn't measure to much.

Not nearly enough.

Through all of this. The Lord just began to break me.

Showing me all my dependance and hope and trust is in me, and those around me.

Not Him.

And for the last 3 months, God has been having His way with me.

Destroying all my realities of Him.

Wrecking my view of me. And more so of Him.

All Him. By His hands.

This finally bumps us up more to speed.

For DTS, I had to be insured inside of Germany.

The only way that could happen, was if my dad's work would cover me, and somehow consider YWAM higher education.

They consider it higher education. I'm insured.

HUGE deal. God is faithful.

I still around this point, only have $900 ish.

Not nearly the $2240 I need for the lecture phase, due Jan. 22.

Hey guys.

God is faithful.

God is faithful.

GOD is faithful.

God IS faithful.

God is FAITHFUL.

Since my dad's job is considering YWAM higher ed, they can dip into a fund for that education to help provide they way.

$2300.

We had no clue.

After Christmas, I had $3500.

Enough to cover the first section. Incredible.

God has provided for me in the small things.

From chap stick to coffee tumblers.

Clothes to $2300.

I still need more money.

But because I know He is faithful, I know it will come at just the right time.

So. In 13 days, the great return to Berlin will be made.

I am absolutely amazed by God.

Who He is.

How He is.

What He is.

Why He is.

He is.

Germany will be changed.

Not because of my going.

Because of God's jealousy for His people.

There is so much more to the story. Because its His.

There is so much more to be written. He already wrote it.

I am nothing without Jesus.

Mere dirt, without the Spirit.

And it is He who empowers.

I'm humbled and honored to make my way to such an incredible place.

That He, would choose me.

That He loves me.

That He intertwines the desires of my heart into His will for me.

Here I am, Lord.

A mere servant. Here for You. And the work of Your hands.

God is faithful.

Pride.

Today, I can boast about me.

Even today. Of all days. In remembrance of what the Lord Jesus has done for me.

That this. All of this. Around me, surrounding me. The evil. The hurt. The pain. The death. The sin. The depravity. Christ saved me, from all of the above.

And that isn't even mentioning any description of hell...

Deine Gnade ist alles um mich herum.

Ohne Dich bin Ich nichts.

Du, Herr. Nur Du.

Du hast mir retten.

Subconscious Decompression:

I credit my salvation to me.

My faith is in me. My trust is in me. My hope is in me. My confidence is in my own hands. I bring goodness to God.

Christ died for me, and that was nice and all, but I was good enough without Him.

I worked hard enough. My labor was long and hard.

I earned my redemption.

God had better save me, if He is a just God.

I'm a pretty big deal.

And just like that. My entitlement, and my cancerous pride that keeps me so blind to reality, kept me from seeing me, begun to be destroyed.

Lord, humble me. Lord, break me.

Little did I know this would happen.

Little did I know, that when this random lady told me the Lord was going to break me even more to prepare me for Germany, would it happen.

Wow, God stands by what He says and answers prayers. I would've never known by the way I treated Him.

I forgot the height from which I fell. That we all, are the same. That I have the same nature as the murder, the rapist, the child molester, the corrupt politician, the anything. We are the same.

How dare I think myself better.

How dare I call my salvation an obligation.

I did not work and could not work hard enough to earn it.

My boasting was in vain.

I am no good.

I am disposable to the Lord.

He doesn't need me.

He could send someone else to Berlin.

He has 6 billion people to choose from.

In my self exaltation, I failed to see Jesus. The precious blood. God who died for me.

I still fail to see Him the way I should.

My walk is merely an outward proclamation for all of you too see how much holier I am than you. Aloneness with God is unheard of. I want you to see and talk about how devoted I am.

I am a pharisee.

If Jesus were to come to me, I would've been among those who eventually crucified Him.

In fact, I did. My sins. My trespasses. My faults. My flaws.

Jesus looked at me.

Saw me as I am.

God of everything.

Who formed me, who knows my every thought and the whispers of my heart.

Who loved me more than I will every grasp or imagine.

Who is worthy of all the adoration human kind has to offer, before He even sent Jesus.

God humbled Himself.

He could've came as a tree. He could've came as a goat. A mountain even.

He came as a human. And not even as a person of great splendor, in the way our eyes measure splendor. Born in the ghetto practically. With animals around.

Anything but glamorous.

God did that.

...what?

I'm never going to get the full weight of it all.

What credit do I have to claim before God.

LORD, forgive me for trying to be anything before You by my owns means.

EVERYTHING I have is a gift.

My life. My body. My family. My friends. My money. My job. My car. My ___.

All of it.

I wasn't only the servant who buried the talent given to him. I spent on the petty, and the material. I wasn't even the worst! I am worst than the worst! My stewardship is mockery of God.

I can't even believe how I must've grieved the heart of God.

Missing the point. To arrogant to care, because I figured God out, as if He has a limit.

When the Lord started to show me all this, I began to freak out. Fear, anxiety, helplessness.

Why?

Because all my foundation was on me. Sand.

Not on the Rock, with Christ as the chief corner stone.

I couldn't do anything, to fix, anything.

Time was out of my hands. Control. Also out of my hands.

Helpless. And I was so frustrated and felt so alone and desperate.

In a sense, drowning in my own blood.

Oh, my God's love for me and how it reveals itself in miraculous ways.

The Lord continues to destroy the self pretense I've created.

I can't be god in my life anymore. And He knows it.

HE loves me to much to let it go on.

For that, I love Him.

That good in His eyes, the true good, is not my idea of good.

Thank God. Because we prideful people. We all hope we aren't right deep down. Because we don't want to be end all. The top person. The smartest, strongest, or any kind of word that ends in -est.

The Lord is God.

Isaiah 43.

A year ago. I was so desperately alone and without God. I was abandoned, so I abandoned.

One day, as I was reading the Word, in doubt of His love I asked God to reveal to me where He says He loves me. God actually saying it. Not Paul. Not John. Not Luke. God.

God answers prayers doods.

"Because I love you...'

Recently. The Lord has brought me back to it.

Isaiah 43

Israel's Only Savior

¹ But now, this is what the LORD says—
he who created you, O Jacob,
he who formed you, O Israel:
"Fear not, for I have redeemed you;
I have summoned you by name; you are mine.

² When you pass through the waters,
I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers,
they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire,
you will not be burned;
the flames will not set you ablaze.

³ For I am the LORD, your God,
the Holy One of Israel, your Savior;
I give Egypt for your ransom,
Cush and Seba in your stead.

⁴ Since you are precious and honored in my sight,
and because I love you,
I will give men in exchange for you,
and people in exchange for your life.

⁵ Do not be afraid, for I am with you;
I will bring your children from the east
and gather you from the west.

⁶ I will say to the north, 'Give them up!'
and to the south, 'Do not hold them back.'
Bring my sons from afar
and my daughters from the ends of the earth-

⁷ everyone who is called by my name,
whom I created for my glory,
whom I formed and made."

⁸ Lead out those who have eyes but are blind,
who have ears but are deaf.

⁹ All the nations gather together
and the peoples assemble.
Which of them foretold this
and proclaimed to us the former things?
Let them bring in their witnesses to prove they were right,
so that others may hear and say, "It is true."

¹⁰ "You are my witnesses," declares the LORD,
"and my servant whom I have chosen,
so that you may know and believe me
and understand that I am he.
Before me no god was formed,
nor will there be one after me.

¹¹ I, even I, am the LORD,
and apart from me there is no savior.

¹² I have revealed and saved and proclaimed—
I, and not some foreign god among you.
You are my witnesses," declares the LORD, "that I am God.

¹³ Yes, and from ancient days I am he.
No one can deliver out of my hand.
When I act, who can reverse it?"

God's Mercy and Israel's Unfaithfulness

¹⁴ This is what the LORD says—
your Redeemer, the Holy One of Israel:
"For your sake I will send to Babylon
and bring down as fugitives all the Babylonians,
in the ships in which they took pride.

¹⁵ I am the LORD, your Holy One,
Israel's Creator, your King."

¹⁶ This is what the LORD says—
he who made a way through the sea,
a path through the mighty waters,

¹⁷ who drew out the chariots and horses,
the army and reinforcements together,
and they lay there, never to rise again,
extinguished, snuffed out like a wick:

¹⁸ "Forget the former things;
do not dwell on the past.

¹⁹ See, I am doing a new thing!
Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?
I am making a way in the desert
and streams in the wasteland.

²⁰ The wild animals honor me,
the jackals and the owls,
because I provide water in the desert
and streams in the wasteland,
to give drink to my people, my chosen,

²¹ the people I formed for myself
that they may proclaim my praise.

²² "Yet you have not called upon me, O Jacob,
you have not wearied yourselves for me, O Israel.

²³ You have not brought me sheep for burnt offerings,
nor honored me with your sacrifices.
I have not burdened you with grain offerings
nor wearied you with demands for incense.

²⁴ You have not bought any fragrant calamus for me,
or lavished on me the fat of your sacrifices.
But you have burdened me with your sins
and wearied me with your offenses.

²⁵ "I, even I, am he who blots out
your transgressions, for my own sake,
and remembers your sins no more.

²⁶ Review the past for me,
let us argue the matter together;
state the case for your innocence.

²⁷ Your first father sinned;
your spokesmen rebelled against me.

²⁸ So I will disgrace the dignitaries of your temple,
and I will consign Jacob to destruction
and Israel to scorn.

I walk through water and fire.

I am safe. Not by my own protection. It is the hand of God.

God is my only savior. He loves me.

He is with me. Fear is defeated.

I am CREATED for HIS GLORY.

I am His witness.

I lead out the deaf. the blind. the mute.

All for the glory of JESUS.

I am a witness, a testimony, of how He saved, healed, proclaimed.

God is doing a new thing. Making me forget the past.

When I read that.

All I can say, is I can't save myself.

Thank you, Jesus, that I don't have to try.

"How could I expect to walk when every move that Jesus made was in surrender."

So. Jesus in me continues to fight this cancerous known as pride.

And He will remain victorious in me. I cannot wait to see the outcome of His power in me.

Not because it has even anything to do with me.

Because it begins, and ends, with the Lord, God of Israel who is mighty to save.

"How could I expect to walk when every move that Jesus made was in surrender."

Authority.

Have you ever noticed how half hearted we tend to be when we pray? 

Our conversations with God are more like vague portraits of something we don't even know how to express. "God, help me," "God, turn me upside down," "God, break me." 

Those are fantastic things to pray, but I barely know what they mean in some regard. 

I know that when I pray for things like understanding and wisdom, I ask in anticipated unbelief. I expect God not to answer me. 

James 1:6-8 is a wake up for these kind of prayers. 

⁶But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. ⁷That man should not think he will receive anything from the Lord; ⁸he is a double-minded man, unstable in all he does.

God wont answer me when I really do doubt His power. 

Why do we ask with such a half heart?

Because we don't understand the authority we've been given through Christ.

I am petrified by how many Christians let the enemy kick down their door. Again and again. And all they have to say is, "Satan is attacking me."

Given, yes he is. But do you realize the strength you've been given by being a coheir with Christ? We do not have to suffer the effects of satan's attacks. 

When Jesus was on trial before Pilate, He remained silent. Absolutely stunningly silent. 

I think that we all should be absolutely scared out of our minds when God is silent.

Pilate reminds Jesus that he has the authority to save Jesus' life, or crucify Him.

Jesus replies, "You would have no power over me if it were not given to you from above."

All power and authority comes from God. 

If you look at Matthew 28:18-20, the Great Commission, Jesus says that "All authority in Heaven and on earth has been given to me." But he also says "And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age."

We have that authority. He is always with us. 

Romans 8:37-39 declares that we are more than conquerors and nothing can separate us from His love. 

We need to walk into the authority we've been given. If we don't, we are in willful disobedience. We let ourselves be overcome by temptation, we suffer through physical sickness, we don't walk in it. 

We don't always pray for those who are sick, we don't rebuke satan that he will flee, we let these things slide so easily. 

We're way to timid in how we approach God. Not to say we shouldn't fear Him, because He is definitely worthy of that fear, and awe and reverence. Hebrews 4:16 says "Let us approach the throne of grace with confidence." 

We are allowed to ask God for stuff. 

And we're allowed to expect that He'll deliver.

Psalm 65:5 says "You answer us with awesome deeds of righteousness..."

the Lord has been showing me the effects of walking in the authority. Its who we are.

If we don't know who we are, and identify with Christ in this matter, we're worse off than any of us thought. Even worse, if we don't know ourselves, we definitely don't know God, and we shouldn't pretend too.

He is something we'll never grasp. I think that kills our minds knowing that we'll never fully know Him, at least till Heaven, but we barely even think about that. We try to know as much of God as we can. We seek, and seek, and seek, and seek this God and we don't know what we're seeking. 

I have a lot of thoughts that correlate to other ideas and other epiphanies, but I won't go into them now.

However, if this authority is a precious gift I've been given, how much more do I desire to walk in it. How much more do I desire to explore it. How much more will I stand in it. 

Doubt.

I never realized what a wounded and broken human being I am. 

I second guess myself, I question the motives of others, I look for signs of annoyance in people, etc...

As the Lord has been putting me in this incredible wonder of healing, I'm having to go over all of these old wounds, that I thought I had dealt with. Moreover, they are a literal gushing stab wound, and my resolve was to put a band-aid over it. Meanwhile, blood and life continues to flow out of me. 

Something I was absolutely shocked by in myself was the amount of doubt I had let in.

Doubt in myself, doubt in people, doubt in God. 

Not doubt in God's existence, I know He exists. Psalm 53:1 says "The fool denies God in his heart." I'm past that foolishness; I still have many more foolishnesses to overcome. 

When I looked in my heart, and saw all of these wounds that made me doubt people, I started to analyze how I treated and reacted to individuals when they expressed their care for me. 

When parents expressed how much they loved me, my ears fell deaf.

When my friends told me how much I mean to them, I laughed and couldn't comprehend it.

When I read the Word and found passages like Isaiah 43:4, where God expresses how He would give other peoples up, just because  He loves me,  I skimmed over those words.

What made me so calloused to love? What made me so hard toward those I trust and love mutually? 

Doubt.

At some point, because of my previous situations with people and the verbally abuse I received from people (not my parents, they have only spoken loving, kind and encouraging words to me all my life), I doubted good intentions. 

Doubt seems to be more crafty than any of us really understand. It just doesn't come at us in full temptation mode like lust, or pride.

It's far more subtle, and easier to kindle. 

It's quiet. It doesn't voice itself very vocally, at first.

It is birthed with the slightest hint of unbelief. 

We all want to believe people mean well. 

Tipping good at restaurants, picking up trash, helping old ladies across the street. 

What ever kindness we see, we believe its done with good intentions. 

However. When those beliefs are betrayed, something bitter begins in a person.

Bitterness, like doubt, is a slow growing cancer, that takes over before one can even recognize any symptoms. This is why it is so crucial to kill the weeds before they grow into trees. You can still cut down the trees, but you still have that stump to deal with for the rest of your life.

God is a father. He provides like a father, He loves like a father, He honors like a father.

He wants to give good gifts like any dad wants to toward their child, especially when it is in accordance to His will. However, something about us wants to doubt the good nature of God; we put God in the person box, which yes, He is a being, but He is so much more faithful than any human I've ever come in contact with. He cannot deny Himself, so for me to think of God in human standards is folly anyways, but I'll humor myself in thinking of God this way. 

I'll ask God for wisdom, and part of me doubts I'll grow wiser.

I tossed back and forth by the waves. 

James 1:6-7 talks about doubting the goodness of God, in accordance to asking Him for things. What I find interesting is how when we doubt God, that doubt almost seems to overcome His desire to give. So simple-minded people like you and me will get mad at God and say, "Lord, if you would just give me this, even though I doubt, it would increase my faith."

That is 100% sin. Who are we to question God. He loves us too much to give us anything when we doubt. Instead of increasing of faith, it would poison our view of God, increase our own selfishness, and grow our ego far more than any of us would like.

We are legitimate children.

What troubles me more, is that I know my earthly father wants to help me, and provide for me. He wants to give me good things. When I ask for food, he's not going to give me rocks. 

Why don't I believe that about the One who created everything, OUT OF LOVE.

Why do I believe that when I ask God for something, He wont respond?

Because He wont. 

I've doubted His power. And He loves me too much and His name is too holy to let that doubt corrupt my view of Him. He is truth. There are no lies in Him.

So, yes. 

God wont give when I doubt, but what even started that doubt? 

I'm still trying to dig this up in  myself.

But, I know the characteristics of God, and the biggest one in all of the Word is love.

I know He loves me.

I know He has a purpose and a future for me.

Honestly, I'm sick of cutting short the promises of God in my life because of my unbelief. 

I want to live with absolute faith in the Almighty.

That power destroyed death, I will not hold onto what has already been destroyed for me.