Expectations

Here I am.
A week into a two year journey, in a place that I love, among a people my heart is broken for.

And I'm frustrated.

From the get go, things have not exactly gone according to plan.
And not necessarily in a bad way, but not in a good way.

There is tons of isolation in this place. Inside of YWAM and outside of it. So much transition, so many people leaving and coming. So much change. As I child, I feared change and wanted everything to always stay the same. Now, it's a part of my everyday life. Berlin is different than I remember, and what I mean by that, is it seems like just as life changes in seasons, so does the atmosphere. At least here. Summer brings in many tourists, and here I am sitting at Starbucks in Hakescher Markt, appearing to be one of them. But I come with higher calling than to simply sight-see.

We are waiting on more staff to come today. People I'll be spending a lot of time with, people that will become my closest friends.

Currently, we are all just waiting to go to Austria on Sunday for a week long YWAM conference. It'll be a time to learn and grow together. And it sounds like I'll get to drive on the autobahn. Should be fun. I really do hope that it brings us all closer together and gets rid of any division that Satan would like to implement into our team.

In fact, I know that's why the Lord has me here. To test me and try me; to get me out of my comfort zone. To build community here in a place where community is only a rumor that one hears of along the grapevine.
God is showing me how much I need Him, and how much we, as the body of Christ, need each other.

The illustration of the body has never been more real to me.

I see how so many times our churches are just piles of limbs with no ligaments or connection. And my friends, we all know that needs to change. A good friend once told me, as one who sees the need for change, I am now responsible to change it. I wholeheartedly agree with that now.

Listening to some of the staff and former staff that have been here longer than me, and staffed my school last year, I feel like the the Lord has imparted some discernment and wisdom into me. I, however, am foolish and tend to easily forget that wisdom.

I need God, like the trees need the rain. I need God, like a fire needs wood to burn.

He is the only thing that is going to sustain me in this time.
So, if you all don't mind praying for me, please pray for wisdom. For intimacy. For willingness to be the difference that needs to happen, as well as to speak it. Pray for unity among us at YWAM, and only speaking the best about each other. We need each other, and I'm talking about you and I. We are the body, even though we are spread through out nations. We are the body.

My expectations do not line up with what is here. But. I know I'm supposed to be here. And God has plans.

On a more logistical side of things, I made a video for the next dts which I mostly shot (a guy from the states named Erik shot some as well) and I completely edited.

here it is



So. Vienna awaits on Sunday. You'll more after then.

Bis bald.

Exit

When I talk to people about going places, I get really excited.
When I talk to people who have passion for places, I also get really excited.

When I talk to people who are passionate about going somewhere that is foreign to them completely, for the sake of knowing Jesus, my heart leaps.

By nature, I'm a passionate person.
I mean, come on. Those who know me will testify to that. Not just in the sense of talking about Germany or missions.
But by how my volume rises about ten fold when I start to get excited, which is code for saying I'm really loud.
Too loud, most of the time. That used to be something that bothered me, because I was concerned about being heard, so I increased my volume (or so I thought). But now, I just talk and realize it's part of me. It'll probably get me in trouble someday. It might have got me in trouble today. I digress.

Anyways. When I share a conversation with someone over coffee, and they talk about a place that they love or that the Lord has weighed on their hearts, I freak out. Part of me once believed that not many people in my generation, in my town, wanted to leave the place they grew up. Lets confess, we all like to feel comfortable. I like comfort. I like comfort foods. I used to not like change, or new things. We all are that way.

At some point though, comfort becomes mundane. And not many of us like mundane. No one likes eating pizza everyday. Even if it's your favorite food. If you ate pizza alone for a whole month, by day four you'd be craving a big piece of broccoli or a caesar salad, or something remotely good for you. And chance is you'd never want to look at pizza again.

Something I have passion for, is seeing people go out from where they're from, and experience God in a culturally new way.

I love this world. I want to go everywhere. When I meet people from abroad, I want to ask them a million questions a second like:

What is your biggest city? What is your food like there? How long have you lived there? Why in the world would you come here if you're from there?! How do you say "I need to poop" in your native tongue? (I can say it in ten languages, and counting...)

When one leaves what is familiar and what is normal, God moves. He transforms one's heart, opens it up and reveals Himself in an incredibly new way. And I LOVE that.

I loved meeting who God has showed Himself to be to the Germans, Mozambicans, and South Africans. And I have many, many more countries to go to, and to learn from, and see God spread His wonder and His love.

I've been rereading Blue Like Jazz by Donald Miller the last couple of days.
I sincerely enjoy the way the man writes. I identify with everything he writes about. Not just because it's about spirituality or is an alternative view on Christianity or anything of that sort. It's because he tells stories. Stories about real people, and real places, and real things. I identify with people. I think most of us do, unless you're from Tattooeine (nerd spell check please) or some other planet in a galaxy far, far away.

When a person shares a story with me about their experience in the slums of India, the remaining bits of the cities of Haiti, street ministry in the epicenter of London, or loving on kids in Columbia, I glean from every word.

We are all connected.
We are all part of one body.
We are all brothers and sisters.
We are all sons and daughters.

And to hear how the Lord has moved in your life in the area of missions brings me so much inner joy that I have to crazy things, like write really long blog posts about it, or pray for you for hours, that God will send you back to where you feel called. I feel that way a lot of the time.

Something I have on my heart, is how to make people feel like they are part of something bigger than themselves.
I'm in the process of translating that in my ahead adventure.

How do I show people that this is all bigger than me going to Germany, or them supporting me?
How do I make them feel apart of something that is not simple missions work, but rather as if they were with me on the streets of Berlin, meeting new friends, and discipling them?

I don't know if it is something I can do.
In fact, I'm pretty sure it isn't.
I'm pretty sure God has to make that happen.
He knows the desires of our heart, right? And this is for His Kingdom, right? So why worry about it, right?

Right. Right. And Right.

All I can do, is love God, love what He is calling me to do, and share it with whoever will listen.

The question is, would you like to listen?

Conversing

I had a conversation with one of my best friends the other night.

We chit chatted about normal life stuff, drank some water and coffee and ate cheap food.
And in the midst of this, something was brewing. Truths from both of our ends came spilling out like those cups of water we were drinking were just poured out, and kept flowing.

My friend talked about how she felt so stuck, and apathetic about it.
She explained how she had tried to change it, but nothing would move her out of it. Flat lined, and unable to get up and help herself. And, being where I've been spiritually the last couple of weeks, I know how she felt to well.

The goodness of God is an unexplainable miracle. I am amazed that the Lord picked me up out of the waterless pit that I was in.
And this conversation reminded me of His goodness. You see, this friend of mine isn't by any means your run of the mill Colorado Springian. No, she is one of passion, of vision, of purpose, and potential. And listening to her, and how she opened up to me and told me how she was, and how she felt like she couldn't be real or honest with anyone around her, broke me. Nearly brought me to tears in fact. Not just because she felt like she had to be insincere or guarded around the people she's around, but because I've seen this woman grow from nothing into a God-fearing woman who cannot be stopped. And hearing that she feels trapped or unable to move, resonated to deeply with me and I feel like in that moment, the Lord gave me a glimpse of what that felt like, right then and there. I know what it feels like in context to me, but in context to her, it was a very different pain.

Earlier that day, the Lord reminded me of Ezekiel 16.

Guys, I forget where I've come from too easily.
I forget that I was wallowing in my own blood that was bleeding out at rapid pace. That I was unable to save myself, and with no one else to call out to.

I have forgotten the Lord's call to me in that moment: "Live!"

"I said to you in your blood, 'Live!' I said to you in your blood, 'Live!'"

I forget that just as easily as I was saved, I played the whore.

All have wandered from the path at some point, my friends.
But His goodness, and unlimited mercy come to us, and restore us, and make us righteous again.
If we don't remember that Jesus took us out of our own blood, and put us in His just so we could be with God, then what's the point of the gospel? If we can't remember ourselves, how to we expect to explain it in a tangible and interpersonal way?

I've seen far to many people talk about Jesus with a stone wall for a face. He's not exciting to them anymore. He's not their source of life. He's not their joy, which in the end results in Him not being their strength.

My friend says she misses being passionate. Being a new believer, in what some would call the "honey-moon phase."
But I kind of want to challenge that idea, because I'm not sure if I believe in a honey-moon phase anymore. Especially with the Lord.

My early spiritual life was a roller coaster of emotional highs and lows. Every retreat/conference I would go to pumped me up to beat sin and tell everyone I knew about Jesus, and in that moment, oh, did I love God. I was passionate. I felt whole. I felt like this is what Christianity should be, and never wanted to leave.

And now, as I feel the Lord pushing me into a dream and a vision I've had for the last two years, I begin to realize something about those moments of tearful worship experiences and pack-a-punch sermons.
Even though they pushed me toward the Lord in that moment, they did little to disciple me.
And quite honestly, they made my walk with the Lord more about me, than they did about Jesus.

I'm realizing this whole thing, the whole world, the whole universe, all of time, and what ever else you could think of, IS NOT ABOUT ME.

When I say not about me, I don't think I'm talking about being the center of attention, or an antagonist in a story. When I say it's not about me, I mean it's about Jesus. Even though I'm in the story and I live this life, I have to take myself completely out of the story to see the whole picture, to let it be about Jesus.

At least, that's what Jesus portrayed. He constantly laid Himself down for those around Him.
Constantly giving, constant sacrifice, constant selflessness.

When we make it primarily about our Father, and secondly about others, some kind of supernaturally birthed passion comes alive in us. Honey-moon phases, emotional highs and lows, and everything else that would prevent us from doing the Lord's will passes.

We formally served ourselves. Let us throw that way of living out, and live to serve God and our brothers and sisters! Oh, how the world would see Christ if we only loved each other the way Christ loves us! They would see and know, and experience the Almighty.

Psalm 40:5
"You have multiplied, O Lord my God, your wondrous deeds and your thoughts toward us; none can compare to you! I will proclaim and tell of them, yet they are more than can be told."

I don't really know how to conclude this entry, cause I feel like it may be unfinished. But for now, I will leave it at that.

Can these bones live?

This week will go down as one of the most revolutionary in my life.
A week ago, I was not the same person I am today. Somewhere in the mix of life, my hope and my faith and my love were restored.

A handful of people told me the spark that left my eyes eight months ago had returned. Still another noticed that "what ever you were struggling with was so dark and heavy, but you are you again, and you seem so much lighter."

Was this all because of my decision to actively pursue Germany again?

I think it was a big part of it. Because I don't think anyone, including me, understands how deeply my soul is tied to Berlin. As a dear friend explain this last week, "Your burden for Germany is something very, very special. Its not normal."
Not normal in the sense of the God-installed passion, vision, and faith.

I went to see the movie Unknown today.
Most of the movie was filmed in Berlin, which is 100% the reason I saw it.
As it began, and seeing depictions of what I have seen with my own eyes, I said to myself, "I feel right at home right now."
Silly, I know.
But there was a day in June of 2009 that I began to tell people, "I'm going to move here."

It wasn't some fleeting feeling that dissipated because of some sort of spiritual high that comes and goes with a missions trip or church retreat. No, it was an assurance that my soul had. It was if God spoke to my soul, and explained the end, but not the means or the justification that would later take place. And, as He is faithful to His word, six months later I climbed on a plane headed back.

But during that time, I was sorrowful. Sure, there was gladness and joy in returning to what I very much so believe to be an incredibly huge part of my life. But I was torn two ways: One limb being pulled by my community back home, and one pulled by a future that awaited me in Berlin. I very much so believe I limited myself in Germany because of how badly I wanted to be around those that had carried me to where I was.

I believed that at the time.
Now, I'm not so sure.
You see, I can't understand God's plan in the slightest. Only He knows.

"Son of man, can these bones live?"
"You know, O Lord."

And only He knows.
Only He can restore what we might've missed out on, or lost. And in this season, I feel like I've lost a lot of things.
Vision, passion, friends, consistency, innocence, just to name a few.
But my GOD, is the restorer of all things that He has made. And He has made me, and I am being restored by Him.
Do you know why?
I don't. But if I were to take a stab on an answer, I would believe that He knows the plans He has. Not necessarily for me, or anyone else, but for Himself. I whole heartedly believe that I am still alive right now, because God wants me to bring Him glory here on earth.

I know not the shape, form, or application of this. But I know its precisely why I'm breathing. No other reason.
And I can get intimidated by that; that can frighten me and I could do my best on my own to give Him some kind of perception of glory. But. It wouldn't make any difference if it was by me, through me, and eventually it would be for me.

No, it is by HIM, through HIM, and for HIM.
He has made me His own, now I must respond to that and make Him my own.

And in His presence, and His love, I no longer want my vices. I throw them down at His feet in fact.
In His presence, I want Jesus, and I want Him to solely get every piece of me, and every piece of my ability to do anything!

Why don't we live in His presence? Why do we only acknowledge Him in church, or in the time we set aside for Him?
He created time! He doesn't NEED us to set a place for Him in our schedule.

My friends, we need the Lord.
We could all stop breathing and still have the Lord, and still be alive, because we need Him more than any substantial form of anything on this planet.

God is showing me how much I need Him. And friends, I am overwhelmed by it.
From the beginning of this week, the Lord has ordained meetings, and conversations, and opportunities that I could've never imagined. I am so, so blessed.

A theme for me this week, which I hope to make into a pattern for the rest of my existence: I have strength sufficient for NOTHING. There is no feet I can accomplish on my own. There is no wall I can scale on my own behalf.

It is all Christ.

This, is, all for You. Yes, this, is, all for You.
You're the King of the World.

Chapters

Turning pages. Again.

I was in church yesterday, consumed with thoughts of going back to Germany.
The "Whens, Hows, and Whys" flooded my mind. So many questions about support, about timing, about anything and everything.

I question myself about putting my hope in something that is not God, and if my intentions are of my flesh, or of a divine desire downloaded into me about something beyond me own mind's eye.

So this blog is announcement. This page turns, and I must communicate what I am choosing to walk in and move into.
Because I know for a fact that its something bigger than me. I know its more than a simple desire to travel across the pond to a distant land that makes my heart come alive. There is something bigger than me out there.

And the nations, Oh the Nations! They are groaning for a Bringer of Life, which is not me, but like John the Baptist, I am preparing the road in the desert. I am called to make paths straight and new again.

I could talk about Germany for hours. Days, even.
And being away from there, feels like I'm missing half of a vital organ, or a whole limb. My body and soul don't know how to operate when I'm not there, among the history that changed the world, among the trees and bridges, among the trains, among the heart break, among the culture, and among a people for which my heart wrought itself open.

And now, the time has come to revisit the things the Lord has spoken. To relearn His love for a country, not my own. To rediscover His affections for me. To remember and to relive.

With prayer and support from others, I am overjoyed to say that I am going to start the process to make a return to Berlin in July, to staff with YWAM and minister love to the people of Berlin.

I will keep updating this blog. And keep everyone posted through here, facebook, twitter and email.
You all stir my affections for Christ, and I am so thankful for the support I've gathered from everyone around me.
Without you, these desires would only be desires, instead of movements and actions.

To Christ, be all glory and honor, and praise. Forever, and ever.

More thoughtlife.

I had lunch today with a Clay Ross, pastor of Grassroots church that meets in the city auditorium downtown.
I honestly didn't know what to expect.

I've never had a pastor ask to have coffee with me, especially since I've only been to Grassroots once.
It's usually me, asking the pastor to coffee, over some life situation like trying to decide if I should've done YWAM or not. You know, something big.
But this was more casual than that. This was more like, "hey, I want to get to know you."
And even though there was little on my end, at least I felt like, I really enjoyed listening to him talk about life and people he knows, and learn about all the areas of influence grassroots has its hands on.

I really like that they're downtown.
I really like that their focus is downtown.
I really like they have a heart for trafficking, for the homeless, and in general, a heart for people.

And I see that in Clay.

Maybe that's why I enjoyed listening to him so much, cause from the sound of it, me and him might have more in common than I originally thought.

People are on the mind.

So we'll see what happens. I would love to get involved and just jump in, somewhere. Anywhere.

I'm ready to move on. I'm ready to walk through the next door. At least I think I'm ready.
I am, at best, increasingly hasty. I live that way.
I like to make quick decisions, and then change my mind.
And with big decisions, I make them. And doubt, and doubt, and doubt.

At this point, I'm ready to do something besides work, sleep, and play Call of Duty. Cause this life is dull.

I'm ready for adventure again. For something new. Something involving pioneering. Something with Germany.
I think people at this point want me to get over it.
I've had people tell me to get over it.

But I can't.
No matter how hard I try.
Maybe it's cause I know that I'm going back?

Well.
Then.

Silence

It's been awhile.

A long time since I've written anything publicly. I feel like I've been in hiding, trying to get away from my current state of being, and doing so through not communicating my thoughts to almost anyone.

Living recluse is not something I quite enjoy, but I may have been an unintentional vessel of it. Slowly drifting away from the people around me, including the Almighty. And it really is a drift, not a quickened running pace. It's not something I wanted to happen, it's something I allowed to happen. I didn't hold on to what the Almighty had given me. I held it as loosely in my hand as a child holds a balloon.

And when I let go of that string, I just watched.

I just watched.

I've been smoking for almost 6 months now.
I battle pornography everyday.

And on my most wretched of days, I feel the Lord's grace the most.
No matter how hard I run, He always, always grabs me and pulls me back.

And it's time for this soul to return home.
To throw down my vices that keep me from, and return to the embrace of the Almighty.

If you're reading this, I probably owe you an apology. I've let many down. I've become things I said I would never become.
But know, I'm on the road back to where I started.

Hear me, when I say that no vices is worth the price of pleasure that you have to pay.
I can say that now. I didn't know, and it was something I had to experience.
But now, I can say that I am wretched. I was born in the muck and mire.
And now, I can say that above all, this is all for Christ. There is no fulfillment elsewhere.

He is the reason we exist.
For His name.

I am battling on, and there is no over-night fix.
I haven't quit smoking yet.
But He is greater than my struggle.

Pray for me brothers and sisters.
I need the grace of Christ, and your grace all the same right now.